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female
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*eartbrokenxx
writes: Hey Everyone, Just wanted to write to you and probably get it off my chest and ask for a little advice from a wide range of people! It's probably gonna be a long one, so mind me! first off, my family hasn't been so good lately, just lots of Ii used to... I think it's just worn me out over the years! Sad to say, but my relationship tooo... has worn me to the bone. I love him so so much, but I think about all the bad things in our past and it's like, when I'm with him it doesn't matter, but when I'm sad and I think about it... I question why I'm even with him? Also, I need a little reassurance... do you think, first love is always gonna be there or there can be love that overcomes or defeats the first? See, I think my boyfriend and his ex ex ex are meant to be together ... negative? I know! I just think he valued and cared about her more, even if we've been together longer.... just because he introduced her to his parents, whereas it took a little while for me to get properly introduced. He said she was marriage type but also says he wants to marry me (probably because he thinks I'll get upset if he doesn't, who knows?)He's cheated on all his girlfriends, except her.... funny thing is, he was more of a player back then, then he was with me ... So do you think, he still somewhere deep inside his heart loves her, and if so, do you think I should be with him? Do you think he'll get over it? He claims he's never felt this way with anyone but meee... but I get so so insecure =( I have so many doubts and worries... I just wish things were easier for us! please write back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): Do we feel you should be with him? Frankly, I agree with the anon Aunt below...if he's been telling you stuff about his feelings for this ex, then he has been uncaring and insensitive, hun. A mature, loving man simply does not do this. All of these things are serious red flags. Because all of his behaviors have damaged you, causing self-doubts, mistrust and fears within you. And...over riding fears, doubts and worries is a number one problem that will upend and devastate a relationship. So I understand your feelings. You are asking yourself. How can this be love if you think that he doubts you and you doubt him? For you to even think, that he's better off with his ex, he obviously communicated way too much information to you, about his feelings for her.
I will say, in my opinion..his behaviors have been unhealthy and very toxic to the solidarity of this relationship with you. This relationship should be happy and invigorating for you. By telling you about her, he set you up to believe that he will always be perpetually disappointed in you, in your essence, your goodness, your spirit. Like you have nothing to offer him..but I know you do have a lot to offer, and of course you know you have a lot to offer...but just not to this ass. So why give that to a guy who makes you feel inadequate and like a failure?
If you remain in this relationship, and he continues this, you will feel worse. He could change and tell you he does love and value you...but will you believe him after all he has said and done? I highly doubt it...but it's worth a shot to tell him that what he's done and said, have been very painful mistakes he's made, and has left you to cope alone, with the aftermath. Your bf should have the heart and thoughfulness to be able to help, comfort or solve whatever is bothering you. I hope he steps up to the plate to help you through this, hun. If not, you may have no choice but to leave this relationshipo, in order to heal and be truely happy with yourself and find your worthiness, once again. Take care, dear.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): On the question about whether there can be love that defeats first loves, absolutely! And it is more than likely! It's almost guaranteed! Life is full of variety, there is ALWAYS something better. Don't ever forget that. On the subject of your insecurities about his ex, I can see why you feel that way. He has confided in you things about his past relationship that would make anybody feel insecure and is totally inappropriate for him to talk about. The fact that he's told you that she is the ONLY girl he has never cheated on. Telling you how quickly he introduced her to his parents. Telling you that she was marriage material. Whether it is true or not, that is just stuff you DON'T say to your girlfriend, unless you are completely heartless and insensitive. That's just common sense. The fact that he does tell you all this and at the same time tells you he loves you makes me beleive that he is purposely trying to make you feel insecure. Often people with low self esteems do this as a tactic to control you. They say or do things that make you feel insecure about yourself so that you won't leave him or simply cause he feels bad about himself and wants to make you feel bad too. Your not creating these insecurities out of thin air. HE is the one purposely creating them to try to make you feel inadequate and insecure. That's just bad and he is not going to change. And if he has cheated on you, why the heck are you still with him? It sounds to me like you just want to attain the same "love" that he has made you believe that he felt for his ex (which is exactly what he is trying to do). And I GUARANTEE you, if you ask her, she will tell you their relationship wasn't nearly half as good as he is making it sound. He is just saying that to CONTROL YOU. I guarantee you he is lying!!!!
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reader, hlskitten  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 Hi
Its unlikely, especially if it was a long time ago.
But i would chat with him. If you are close you can do that?
My most recent ex used to put his ex, that he split with about the time he met me, on a pedestal all the time. He always denied it, but little things gave it away, like paying her speeding fines (he sent me to town once & i thought i got flashed, but he didnt offer to pay mine) he did loads round her house, while she was at work, anything he suggested doing at mine he made it clear he wouldnt be doing it without me doing half. Gave her a car. (i think he bought her next one after that blew up not long after he started seeing me but he denied this) He ALWAYS paid for her when they went out. I wouldnt of had that, but it was never an option. We went halves on everything.
He didnt have kids with her but bought her daughter the world. Gave her money etc. Once in a year he bought my kids clothes because we went to town & he was buying his daughter some. He even defended her when he told me she used to hit him, if they argued, when she was drunk.
I spent the whole of that year thinking why did he even split with her???? Told him i didnt know why, but my instincts were telling me there was more contact than he let on (he told me he deleted her number)
After we split, i found out he was in touch with her all along. I dont know if they slept together, and i dont want to know. But all i can say to you, is listen to your instincts & talk to him loads! Hes your bloke, and should be able to reassure you. Its when he tries to & you're still not reassured that you need to worry. But only you know if thats down to irrational insecurity, or genuine mistrust. Theres a saying...just because im paranoid it doesnt mean people arent out to get me!
Let us know how you go.
C xxxxxx
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