A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. I posted on here a couple of weeks ago and I need some additional advice. The background: My girlfriend and I split up a little over two weeks ago (both women). It wasn't a lack of love that caused the split. She's just been suffering from a lot of emotional issues and needed time to piece herself back together and heal. She suffers from trauma she experienced as a child and teen. Now that she's older, she feels completely lost and has struggled to piece her life back together. She's a wonderful person, but just has a lot of demons and subsequent emotional issues from the things she experienced. Our relationship suffered a lot because of it. Things that wouldn't have been a big deal in a typical relationship became a big deal in ours because she didn't have the cooing skills to handle it. There were many things that made it very difficult for us to have a stable relationship. As a whole, she wasn't stable. So we weren't. As her partner, I tried everything I could to support her in her struggle, but in the end, it was too much, and she just needed to be alone to heal and learn to stand on her own two feet before she could think about a healthy relationship. We tried everything to make it work, and exhausted every remedy. We just couldn't find a way.We split over a very teary and emotional phone conversation. She said she loved me with her whole heart but wasn't ready for a relationship just yet since she wasn't stable. We both agreed that no contact was for the best, since we both still love each other. Cold turkey was the only option. We didn't speak for over two weeks, and every day felt like misery. She's my best friend. I felt hollow inside. But I respected her wishes.I woke up yesterday to a text message from her, breaking no contact, asking how I was doing. I replied and said I'd been doing well and asked how she was. We exchanged friendly conversation for a while, then she made a comment how she wanted to go to the beach before school started and that there's no one else she would want to go with besides me. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I wasn't sure if that was an invitation or how to read that. Next thing I know, she's calling me and we talk for three hours. She says she misses me really badly and how hard this is for her. She says she's making great strides in her healing process, and truthfully, I could tell just from speaking to her. She sounded like she was doing well. Emotionally, she sounded great. She said she can't see herself getting healthy and being with anyone but me. But she's obviously not there yet. She told me she doesn't know what to do because she doesn't want to not speak to me, as it's too hard. But talking to me is just as hard because we aren't together. She said she wants to go on a beach trip with me, knowing it wouldn't be innocent. Knowing we would act like a couple. She said she just wants that and is willing to deal with the heartache later as a consequence. I know it's a bad idea. I know she's setting herself up for torture and sadness when we inevitably get back home. And myself, as well. I know she's just hurting and having a hard time.It's just that I know we love each other and I know this split isn't because we don't want to be together. I know she's just trying to heal. But the problem is that neither of us seems to have the will power to not go running back to each other. It's hard when two people split who still love each other. She told me she wants to marry me one day. She just has to be healthy first. What do I do? Sorry so long. I'm just baffled. I love her so much. Do I go on this trip with her? Do I go no contact, and inevitably move on and never know what could have been? Do I try to learn to be her friend? I'm lost. I've never been in this predicament before and it really sucks. Thanks in advsjce if anyone replies.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (16 August 2014):
Nothing has essentially changed. If you want her to heal you have to go no contact ( I doubt 2 weeks is enough to cure a lifetime of trauma ). Sometimes you have to show tough love to the other person including yourself. I will just out right say that if you go on the beach trip, it will be an emotional wreck and all you are gonna do is blame her or yourself if anything bad happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2014): The hardest thing to get across to people, is no contact means NO CONTACT. You keep writing for advice and you just ignore it. You explain how absolutely in-salvageable and toxic your relationship is. You describe her symptom for symptom, like you're reading a medical journal for mental disorders.
You are dealing with a person suffering severe mental illness, and you persistently go back and forth.
You do not really want advice do you? If you need a place to vent, we understand. That's what we are here for.
She is not any better. She is exactly the same as she was, she just doesn't have anyone to attack. She has no narcissistic-supply. She pulls you in, then she destroys you.
YOU now need to seek professional help. You require therapy in order to remove yourself from an abusive and mentally unsound relationship that you have now become a willing participant. It is a cycle you cannot break. You thrive on reading a lot of reassuring words; but do not put the advice into practice.
Why would you travel with someone who will completely lose it the minute you have one of your inevitable fights???
You will be far from home and at her mercy. She knows how to manipulate you. People with a presumed borderline personality disorder can be very charming and alluring. Like a spider, they spin a web. They then completely change once they have you caught in their web. You meet the poisonous spider waiting to pounce.
I don't know if you'll actually take any advice. You honestly think you can nurse this woman. If she isn't responding to professional treatment, you are just someone
she can own like a toy. She doesn't know how to be a friend or have the capacity for empathy. She loathes the feeling of loneliness. So suddenly she's sweet and feels better. You're her favorite chew toy.
GO NO CONTACT and leave her alone. She does not want nor need a friend. She just doesn't want you to move on. She ruminates and obsesses that you may be with someone else
in her absence, and that compels her to draw you back.
What you have is only an extension of your terrible dysfunctional relationship. Not the makings of a new friendship. How can you be "friends" with someone who treats you terribly? You can't get along with for 15 minutes, before you're fighting!!!
I think now maybe you like the sympathy you draw by telling everyone how much of a victim you are. You must seek help for this. You can write a lot of posts about it, but now you must take this to someone professional and go through counseling and therapy yourself. It's for your own mental-health and well-being. You may be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
Please seek professional-counseling; so you can get out of an abusive relationship with a toxic mentally-ill woman who knows how to draw you back in and abuse you. I know it isn't easy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 August 2014):
 What do you WANT to do ?...
She, she, she... What about you ?
Why has it all to be about her ? Her healing, what's best for her, what benefits her, what would make her suffer less ?...
Because she is the one who had traumas ?.. Tough luck. Life is not fair, some people have it rougher than others. Which is sad and lamentable, but it's no reason to make the " luckier " person's life revolve entirely around the wants and needs of the less fortunate one.
She said no contact. Then she found it hard, and broke no contact. Now she wants to go to the beach and get a little nookie... only- you can bet on that !- to feel " unstable " and overwhelmed right after, and retreat and back off... till the next time when she wants some cuddles ( or more ) again.
Ask yourself : is this good enough for ME ? Is this healthy for ME ? For MY emotional balance, for MY future... ? Answer honestly to this question and you'll know what to do.
You need to start putting yourself at the center of YOUR life, that's not being selfish, that's common sense. Yes, it's not her fault if she is as she is- neither is yours though, why should you take the brunt of it and make yourself miserable.
Look, there's a blind guy among my social circle. We all invite him of course if there's a dinner, or an afternoon of tea and music ... but we haven't given up going to the movies because our blind friend can't/ won't come. He accepts, and we accept, that since life is not fair, there are some things he can't do but we can,- nobody's fault; just how the dice rolled.
So it's for your ex. She is not fit or ready for a healthy ,commmitted relationship. Too bad. But now she wants to deprive YOU of this chance. She is leading you down an FWB ( at best ) path that probably is not in your best interest. I am not saying she is doing it callously, or sleazily, she may not mean any harm and think that it's a good idea . It is for HER. Not necessarily for you. So, until the blessed day she will feel healed, does she get to always have things her way, and to change her mind every two weeks, etc... because she lived childhood traumas ? Does childhood trauma entitles her to offer the crumbs only , rather than a nutritious meal, to the people she comes across ?!
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