A
female
age
41-50,
*rightblue
writes:I met a guy 2 years ago whom I began dating secretly, I say secretly because I had just moved in with my boyfriend. He knew I had a boyfriend but there was an undeniable connection that we couldn't let go of. We saw each other randomly and infrequently but feelings grew. My BF asked me to marry him and because he's stable and in love with me, I said yes. I didn't really know this other guy and what his real intentions were. I still never broke off the relationship. Well, I married the guy I DON'T love and even though he knows there was someone else, he wanted to marry me and stay married. My new husband took a job in another state and moved away, we see each other only once a month, freeing up all my time to be with the man I REALLY love. Now, I know I need to divorce my husband but I never told the man I love that I ever married that guy and he thinks I'm living back with my parents. Although now, I spend 6 nights a week at his place. We're in love, he wants to marry me and we want to have children together. How do I handle this??? He thinks this whole time that I was engaged but broke it off and moved out and now live with my parents.
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divorce, engaged, live with my parents, moved in, moved out Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): It is remarkable that you can lie straight in bed, if you can. Your so tied up in the lying you have created that your now in a real jam. That is what seems to happen when we are so self centred that we can't see past the 5 minutes of fun we are enjoying.You really a funny soul. You married your husband fully not being in love with him, he was a good provider I suppose. You have also deceived the man you say your so in love with and I do not beleive that at all. If so how or why would you have needed to lie to him about being married.You are married and your not in a position to continue the fantasy which now this man is wanting with you.To be someone who is to be loved and cared for, surely the person who is supposed to love you, should know who you are. You guilt about both partners is perhaps going to bite you in the bum. This is what happens and your good provider will be gone, and perhaps your current love may see you in a different light.Which ever happens, you need to make plans at this stage to support yourself and be alone until you find out what love is really all about and what you have to be in order to claim or deserve another love, care and attention. At the moment I think you are on your own little rollercoaster which is about to come off the rails. This is completely your fault and your choices. For goodness sake at least be honest to the man who thinks he has a happy marriage!
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Tell him if he loves you like you love him then he wont care but if he doesnt love you like you love him then you wil probably end up hurt and alone, but to be honest its better then you deserve marrying someone who loves you but you dont love but want the comfort and stability damn thats sooooo selfish, you wasted his time and yours with this marriage you should have declined his proposal and gone off with the guy you love. What a waste of money thet wedding was
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (8 February 2008):
 I agree with Asexy. WOW!!!
You've got to be looking over your shoulder 24/7. How do you live like that? Not that I really want to know. I hope your "Lover" finds out about your deception and makes a clean getaway. God forbid he marries you and you hit it off with the pizza delivery boy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Oh my goodness. I am in a similar but not quite so daunting situation. I separated from my husband 2 years ago, met my boyfriend straight away and I'm now back living very very unhappily with my husband just temporarily but my boyfriend does not know this. My husband wants to try and make things work but I know it will never and I am going insane not being with my boyfriend who I love - he has moved miles and miles away with his job. My boyfriend is waiting for me and I feel like I have lied - he thinks I'm on my own. I mention all this about myself to say to you that I think it is easy once you start covering something up for it to escalate out of control and we have taken the 'weak' option for some reason (ease, stability - certainly not love and emotion) and now we risk ruining the very one thing our heart desires. As my boyfriend knew I was still technically married when we met I perhaps have less trauma but I can see that because all of this happened during your relationship you are feeling very trapped in the truth. I think you have two options.. Get divorced very quickly and burn the evidence (problem being that someone will probably let the truth out) or get divorced asap and come clean and tell him that you felt a terrible pressure and you have done a terrible thing and these are the arrangements now. He will either learn to trust you again or it will be over. Either way I don't think you can carry on this double life as it will make you ill - its certainly making me ill. Best of luck I hope you make it with the man you love.
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Wow. That's a lot of lying. It's hard to feel sorry for you, when I'm feeling so sorry for the two men you're with.
Your first step is to level with your lover and see what his reaction is. If he can get over it and still wants you, then you need to contact a divorce lawyer and break your husband's heart.
If your lover decides he can't handle the truth (which you really need to give him if you want to spend your life with him) he might bail on you. You have to take this chance; he deserves the truth.
In this case, if you stop seeing the second guy, I wouldn't tell your husband. You would only be telling him to "clear your conscious" and it would hurt him (don't hurt him just so you can feel better). You should get a job in your husband's town and work to fall for him. Marriage is work, regardless, and you're putting your effort into someone other than your husband. As long as you do this, your marriage is doomed anyway.
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