A
male
age
41-50,
*an-Alive
writes:Just over a year ago I married my girlfriend of over 7 years. However I was away with work the 3 months prior to the wedding. It was a difficult time as there had just been a close death in the family.I met a girl during that period who I did something with. Maybe I was needing affection, maybe my mind was needing some sort of outlet - I don't know, but it turned pretty serious. My fiance came and stayed with me for a weekend and picked up the chemistry between us - she read my cellphone and confronted me. I admitted there was something but that it wasn't going to affect the wedding. On my honeymoon I received an email...... she was pregnant. I kept in touch, 3 months later she had a miscarriage. My wife then found emails from me to this girl and confronted me again. I agreed to cut off all contact with her.However my wife doesn't know this girl got pregnant, nor does she know we slept together. My question is thus..... do I tell my wife and thereby consign the marriage to the scrapheap? Or do I bite my tongue and keep up the deception.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): [Mod Note] This doesn't really address the question, but I hadn't the heart to bin it. Maybe the advice will be useful to someone. However, Mr Anonymous - perhaps you'd like to submit this as an article? It might get published, you never know!CHEATING FOR DUMMIES1) Delete ANYTHING, calls, texts, emails, you get from fwb's. ftf's...etc. May I also suggest, CC Cleaner or Tracks Eraser to clear your entire browsing history...2) Create an email that only YOU KNOW, one that she doesnt know you have. DON'T EVER, EVER CHECK IT WHILE SHE IS AROUND! 3) When out with the girl-and you get the text or call...(asking where you are) answer it immediately. Give short quick answers. I stopped here, or saw so and so....etc.4) If gone sleeping with the enemy and were gone much longer than anticipated, this would be very similar to #3. She's more apt to believe short answers. 5) If you still wanna see the girl on a regular basis, go pick her up, and take away from people that would recognize you, her or your car. Tell your significant other that you...got an appt. (make something up, never dr, she can check on that, if she's your wife)6) Make routine trips seem to last a little longer and longer each time. Make your errand as fast as possible, then you may have enough time left with the girl. 7) Be careful who you pick, this could be very dangerous. Make sure the girl won't kiss and tell. 8) That is a successful guide to cheating. Since 2003, I have slept with 6 different women, including my wife, and have also been sleeping with one of them on a regular basis since 2004-Present. (best friends ex, also his kids mother) Also one of which, is same best friends MARRIED sister. He has no clue, nor does the wife. Although wife has questioned in the past, and because I already have a history, well, its usually blown off on my end. TRUST ME, it WORKS!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): I believe that this is your problem. By telling her you will make it hers as well.
Think about that.
Practically speaking, there is no child in the picture. She is in another city and not really likely to come back and create problems. Your wife had anyway found out... Did you actually lie about not having sex or was it just assumed? If it was assumed and you did not swear to it, let it be. Let it be your problem. And God knows it is haunting you.
Apart from the mistake you have been pretty decent - keeping in touch with the girl when she was pregnant and all...
I would say that if you have not lied outright, don't get into specifics like pregnancy and a miscarriage and all. If it does come up you only need to fess up to the sex, not the pregnancy.
I'm in a long distance relationship. We have not met in six months now. I worry about it sometimes. He has told me about his sexual frustration... He has also made it clear that he is not even considering sleeping with anyone because of the way he is. But I still don't feel okay probing. I don't know where I stand on human folly :) I would rather leave it alone so maybe your wife is the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): Man-alive, i believe you have a major situation on your hands, since you have not been man enough to come clean in the first place. this is not about the fact that you had sex, (cheated) and impregnated someone else, it is about you disrespecting your wife to such an extent that you lied, covered up the truth and deliberately hoodwinked your wife. you pulled a fast one over your wife and this girl. your betrayal speaks volumes. i trust you know what the only solution to this mess (you have created) is.
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A
male
reader, Man-Alive +, writes (4 October 2009):
Man-Alive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh yes celiaaletta, hindsight is a wonderful thing. By your response it would appear that you believe that no-one is worthy of forgiveness or change. Not really a healthy way to live your life.
We can't change the past but we can learn from it and move on.
That's what I'm trying to do here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Do you know for sure this girl got pregnant? If so was it definitely yours? Please tell your wife the whole story and why you have not told her and how you feel. Ultimately she then has the respect she deserves and whatever happens next you can at least live an honest life going forward. You made a big mistake but it is not immpossible to work things through with your wife. However it is important that you give HER the decision on whether to try. Keeping it from her gives you all the control. I know its hard but I don't think you have a choice as the lie is eating at you and will destroy your marriage anway at this rate.
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A
male
reader, Man-Alive +, writes (3 October 2009):
Man-Alive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat is it to me?
I owe the respect to tell her the truth. She is such a good person that it pains me to think of causing her more pain.
But as Herearemy2cents says, a marriage should be based on truth, warts and all. It's important that this is done now or not at all.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (2 October 2009):
 If you want a marriage that is based on a lie, then keep up the deception. If you value honesty in a lifelong union, I would suck it up, and tell her what happened, and risk losing the marriage. Personally, and this is just my own personal conviction, but a marriage which would not survive if all truth was told, is a marriage that should not exist in the first place. My own concept of a marriage is one in which my soul can connect with my spouse. How could I ever demand or deserve to be my spouse's first, only and everything, if my actions toward them say that I value them like they are less than nothing? If you were my husband, and you told me that you cheated on me, I would break up with you, but in the end my opinion of you would be higher if you confessed it voluntarily then if I had to find out some other way. If your wife would leave you should she know the truth, is this really the kind of union you want your life, soul and well-being to be cradled in?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 October 2009):
The problem is what if this girl ever says anything to your wife. The other problem is, are you 100% sure that the woman was pregnant with your baby? I'm not sure what telling her would achieve. Some here will say tell her the truth, because it's morally right. Some will say lie. I'm saying look at what you have and think carefully. It really depends how you feel.
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