A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now and it has been going great. I work in a different state but travel often to see her and will be seeing her in a month. In one of our recent conversations a topic i am not comfortable with came up. She asked about my past sexual experiences. That iconic question asked half jokingly "So how many women have YOU slept with?" i do not want to lie to her but i do not want to scare her away with the truth. I was not always a nice guy and until recently i was in the Navy where sex is as common as having lunch. From Thailand to Korea i had random hook ups all the time, it was even a game in my barracks in Korea to see how many army girls we could sleep with or Korean girls we could bring back from the clubs. I never kept count and only remember the name's of the girls i have actually dated. But i know that most women would not want to hear that, since to be quite honest, a lot of them also included whores in many countries, like i mentioned, I'm not looking for sympathy i knew what i was doing, i was old enough to know better but young enough not to care.Do you think she will accept an answer like "My past does not matter it's only our future that does" or something along those lines? ever since i dodged that question, i have noticed the topic coming up with more frequency.Thank you for your advice,- Mr. New Leaf
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Of course now that you avoid the question she's more intrigued. Curiosity did kill the cat though, something she doesn't seem to remember.
I think, instead of telling her some line such as "the past doesn't matter, only the future does", you try to be honest with her instead. You don't feel like telling her how many past sexual partners you've had. You don't feel it is something that belongs in your current relationship. You've gotten tested regularly for STD's and you're clean (or at least I hope you've gotten tested regularly. If not then you need to hurry up and get tested). Also you've always been careful about using condoms (at least I do hope you've been careful here too, but if you haven't then don't mention it to her... but the worst fear to many women is that their man has a baby with someone else that she isn't aware of...).
Then if she really wants to know you can tell her you're not a virgin, but that you feel that your number of past sexual partners is private. Perhaps if you two get married and have a deeper and closer relationship you can be honest with her about such things too, but as for now you'd rather keep some things to yourself. Not everything is meant to be shared.
Although, she's probably caught the drift by now and understands you have a high number/have more than 10 and have lost track. I honestly do not know how many I've had sex with, so if I'm asked that question I wouldn't know what to answer. It's like counting how many times you've kissed someone.. it's something you keep track of the first 3-5 times, and after that you stop counting.
Like when I was younger I kept track on how many times I'd had sex. Then later it became how many people I'd had sex with. And then now I only count how many serious relationships I've had. We can't count everything else when it's not the most important thing to us.
Maybe you can avoid her questions and ease her mind by telling her how many girls you've dated/been in a relationship with instead. And then as you get closer you can try to explain how life in the Navy was.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
 OH I really like this:
"The rules are: You have the right to refuse to talk about any/all of your past. But you don't have the right to tell lies or say misleading things. "
so true... you do not have the right to lie or mislead...
good luck OP and let us know what happens...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I don't think the prostitution issue should affect how this gets handled. Just treat it like any other sexual history issue.
The rules are: You have the right to refuse to talk about any/all of your past. But you don't have the right to tell lies or say misleading things.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 March 2013):
 "Do you think she will accept an answer like "My past does not matter it's only our future that does" or something along those lines? ever since i dodged that question, i have noticed the topic coming up with more frequency."
Firstly, that answer is crap. Anyone that accepts that cheesy line and is happy with it is either very naive or a complete imbecile. So how did you you dodge the question? What exactly did you say to her?
The fact that you're dodging bullets over your RECENT past, shows me that you yourself are not comfortable with the truth, OR you know she is more conservative and would not accept it. You're either embarrassed and you don't want to be judged, OR you know she would bounce because she doesn't want to be with a man that slept with a bunch of whores.
If you're withholding this information because you know she would not accept your past, it is not only lying but it's deliberate deception and selfishness. And that is way worse than hooking up with whores on a regular basis.
If my partner had been with prostitutes regularly, I'd want to know. Wouldn't you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2013):
 I would be honest with her and tell her you were somewhat of a man-whore while stationed in Korea.
Is there shame in it? Maybe a little but that is who you WERE not who you are.
My husband (26 years in the Army) was quite the man whore after his divorce to his first wife and before he met me. Some of those years were spend in Korea as well, so I have no doubt he played the "how-many-can-you-sleep-with-game" as well. I don't know, because I don't think the number of sexual partners he had (or mine either) are relevant to our relationship and marriage. He knows my number, it's rather low and has no problem with it, so why should I have a problem with his? He's obviously been faithful the 17 years we have known/dated/been married to each other, so his past doesn't bug me.
But I do believe in being honest in a relationship.
You felt it was an uncomfortable question, because you don't approve of your own past behavior. I would tell her that too. There is no shame in having made a mistake or two or done some rather dumb things in your past. Sometimes those things are the reason we are the way we are today, because we LEARNED from the mistakes.
YOS gave good advice on what/how to tell her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): tell her the truth she has the right to know, just as you have the right to know her past.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Dont tell her anything. As long as you are not putting her at a risk for any sexually transmitted disease and you are not cheating on her, your past is not her concern, the same way as her past should not be your concern.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): All,
Thanks for your answers, i really appreciate it and it has given me a lot to think about. As for the STD's and such. We were regularly tested on our way back from a Westpac deployment when we stopped in guam. At least those of us that were worried about it and i had clean bloodwork as recent as jan 2013 so im good on that account. But i appreciate the concern.
I will think on how to word it and just tell her the truth, in a manner, like it was mentioned before by "Yos" no specifics just the gist of it.
Thanks All,
-Mr. New Leaf
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (15 March 2013):
Tell her you never kept count because your profession meant you could have been sent into action and killed at any time, so you tried to put this out of your mind by seeking comfort and companionship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): I don't think it's necessary to tell her all who you have been with, but I would make sure that you don't have any STD's...I mean, that would really be ten times worse passing something along to this women who you are dating regularly. Anyway, you could tell her something like, when you were younger, you played around, had a few relationships, not that big of a deal and move on...that should be enough for her. If she presses for more details, well, she's fishing for no reason other than feeling insecure...put the focus on her and tell her how much you enjoy spending time with her, etc.It is a fair question when you are getting to know someone better...I mean, the average women doesn't have any interest in who you were with in your past. It's more about how you were in your past that brings you into the future...are you capable to be in a relationship, can you be faithful, do you have values or morals to break off a relationship if you find you are interested in someone else instead of the easy way and cheat, do you know how to treat a lady, etc.. etc., etc. A guy who blames past break ups all on a women and paints themselves a pretty picture of themselves is often a huge red flag...anyway, you get the idea.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
yes you must tell her but you also should have handy your most recent blood work showing you are STD free.
I also think you need to tell her exactly how you told us
that your past was from a different time and you wish you could take it back because you are aware it's not pleasant to talk about.
the truth is your answer is "I don't know how many somewhere between xx and xxx" I agree DETAILS are not critical and if she pushes do not lie or whitewash it
ask her "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KNOW?" because then it's on her....
she may or may not accept it. and at first it may be shocking for her.
I've never asked my husband for a number from his past but I'm sure it's high. He knows mine is outrageous.
we are of the belief that the past is the past. IF your gf is going to suffer from retroactive jealousy it's better to find out now.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (15 March 2013):
 i think you need to be honest with her. a relationship built on mistrust, or hiding things from each other is no way to build your relationship.
i think you need to be honest and tell her the truth it is the place to build a future on. you don't have to go into deep details. tell her while you was in the Navy you made lots of mistakes and have been with a lot of women,that you have changed, and you have regrets of your past.
if you plan on having a future with her you don't want to be hiding the past many years from now with the subject coming up from her wondering.
you love her and you know she deserves to not hear a coverup.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 In a sense you can't tell her the truth because you don't know how many.
So it's about how you describe your past.
She's asking so she wants to know. You shouldn't lie, so you need to either say 'i don't believe in sharing that information' or tell her your story.
I would suggest telling her what you have done. But do so carefully. No need to describe specific details or events. Don't make light of it. Don't be defensive. Don't put yourself down.
Something like 'In the navy you move around a lot and are exposed to many different situations and many different people. It's hard to have a serious relationship and normal for people to have flings and casual sex. I had a lot of sexual partners in that time that weren't emotionally important. I don't know how many, I didn't count, and I don't want to make up a number. I don't regret doing it but it was part of being in the navy, but it's not who I am now, nor is it something I would want to go back to".
Then show her how much you love her.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 March 2013):
 Ahhhh the dreaded question.
I understand exactly where your coming from. I date women, myself, and particularly HATE this question. I've been with more women than I can recall but it wasn't due to military. It was just due to one bad thing happening in my life and suddenly a downward spiral of shit happened for years and years. Like you, I am no longer the same shit head I once was (ha! We both know it's true). So when girls I'm dating ask me my number, I try to dodge it like the plague, too. It's kind of like the old 'friends' episode where they're talking about ball parking their number and it's either Monica or Rachel who says "well its definitely less than a ball park!" Lol. That's how I feel sometimes.
I think you should tell her. I honestly think it's worse on women trying to tell their boyfriends they have a high number because men seem a bit more judgemental on that for some reason. They don't want to date "the whore." While men are for some reason expected to be whores lol. Your past is your past. You are a different guy now. I'm sure she will understand. And if she doesn't .. then it just wasn't meant to be. An over-simplified reality, but still, true nonetheless. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): Quite a similar thing happened to me this week.
I have (or "had" I am not sure) a boyfriend who is in the army and he was shocked (after 3months of dating) that I was not a virgin and that my number was 4 (which is too many for him).
To me it is not a big number and not a big issue. I know that if it was the other way around, I would not have judged him based on that, after all, people do change.
My point is, whether she will accept you or not depends on what she thinks about, pretty much sleeping around. The way your girlfriend will react, will say a lot about how far you relationship can go. If it hurts her but she decides to stay with you then she really is someone who loves you for who you are and she will accept your baggage (at the condition that your past really belongs to the past and that you get tested for STDs). If she does not accept your past, well, it will really hurt, but you are better off alone than being with someone who does not accept your past.
But no matter what, be honest with her and tell her the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): Yes, you should tell her.
She thinks you're hiding something and if you don't talk about it, it's just going to be worse and her imagination will make it more awful than it is.
She might react badly, she might be turned off of sex with you for a while, and she will likely compare what you two have to what you had with these women in the past.
To head all that off, I would suggest you bring it up first. Don't wait for her to bring it. If you want to keep what you have going, be honest and upfront, and most of all be patient if and when she freaks out.
Do you know why you slept with these women?
Do you know why you stopped?
These are essential things to explain to her.
Good luck.
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