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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over a year now. Things were great. We even talked about and planned wedding stuff. I had no doubts the she was the one. It was truly amazing.Here's the first thing. I've cheated on her multiple times with six different girls in the past five months. The thing is I didn't really feel bad about any of it. I'm not proud of that by any means.Next, there's this girl I work with. I only started talking to her a few months ago, but we instantly clicked. Since then we had gotten really close. I've since developed feeling for her (yes, we had sex). I feel really happy and excited when I talk to her and sad when I haven't heard from her. And I'm really happy when I'm around her. I feel like I really like her. The thing is that she's not stable emotionally. There will be times where she ignores the world, me included, because of whatever reason. She's done this a few times since we've been friends. I try to help her out but mostly it's useless. And it doesn't deter me from liking her at all. Which seems strange to me. This is all in sharp contrast to my gf who is extremely stable. I guess that's probably all beside the point.So here's the big issue. Now I'm having doubts about my gf. I don't know if it's because of the other girl but I'm pretty sure it is. I don't want all that to distort my thinking. But I'm sure it is.I feel like I should know that my gf is the one because she is the best gf I've had. For many reasons. But obviously if I did truly love her I would have never cheated on her in the first place. And certainly would have never gotten emotionally involved with another woman.I'm not completely heartless. I do feel horrible about how it all turned out and my gf hasn't deserved any of this. She should be the one deciding.I guess the question is: What do I do? She doesn't know about me cheating on her. She did read some text messages and was not happy as you can imagine. But shes oblivious to the sex. Do i tell her everything? Do I leave it unsaid and try to work on it?I honestly feel like I want both of them. It all feels like a fantasy. I feel really bad about everything.What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): first off ,she deserves to know.
you're being extremely selfish here and wasting her time and emotions."I feel like I should know that my gf is the one because she is the best gf I've had. For many reasons."???...however you are certainly one of the worst she has had
i don't blame you if you don't really love her..but then you ought to have told her the very 1st time you cheated on her..it was horrible of you to continue cheating while holding on to her!
you are no one to want both and keep both.you have to be honest or there isn't any point in having the relationship with either.let go of the girl for heaven's sake.you don't love her .maybe you did ,in the beginning but now,you don't.you don't even care if you're faithful to her.you yourself say that you didn't feel bad about it which shows!you are even emotionally involved with this other girl.its quite clear that it's a matter of time before you break off with your current gf.please do not marry her and make things worse for you ,her,the other girl and everyone else.
yes she will be hurt when you tell her,she will cry and then thankfully forget you.but its even worse if you continue to sleep around and act like you love her ,act like you're loyal and give her a fake love life.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Don't tell her. It'll serve no purpose other than breaking her heart, being cheated on is much much worse than breaking up. It's backstabbing and deceitful, cheating is betrayal. So do not tell her unless you want to inflict pain on her on purpose (although you already have through your cheating).
What will happen if she finds out? She'll leave you. What will happen if she doesn't find out? You'll continue the cheating, or actually it doesn't matter if you continue or not, you've already dirtied this relationship and taken it down to the trash, so whether you continue to cheat or not doesn't make much of a difference. Just being honest here. This relationship is ruined.
You need to let her go. You are right, you don't truly love her, you certainly aren't committed enough to her to talk about marriage. Instead of leading her on you need to tell her like it is: you don't think she is the one for you as you don't have the right feelings towards her. Right feelings meaning: commitment, loyalty, honesty, love, admiration and respect. You don't have to tell her these details, but you know the truth in your heart. You can not make this woman happy, not without the right feelings towards her. You need to let her go.
Next time, if you ever feel the need to cheat, think about what you'd rather have, the fling, or the relationship. Because you choose between them when you cheat. Even if you are never found out, you make that choice, and you are the one who needs to live with that. If you choose the fling then end the relationship before you go have sex with someone else.
No, she isn't the one for you, not if you can betray her like this and still not feel bad about it. No woman will be the right one for you until you understand what it means to love someone, respect them, honor them and be loyalty to them.
If you want a good relationship you need to not bring trash and dirt into it. Keep your relationships at a higher level than that.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Do you tell her? Yes and that would be your reason to ask for a break-up. Tell her everything? This one is tricky, but I do agree with other aunts, telling her everything would only result to her distrusting men, hating them and will scar her for life. Regardless if you cheat with one or with 6, it is still cheating.
Most of the time, there are only 2 reasons why a person would cheat. 1. He is an insecure person and needs enough assurance of his value that cheating makes him feel wanted by other people. It's just...you can't say no to this temptation because it feeds your ego, it reaffirms your power and attractiveness to other people. And this makes you feel good inside and you become addicted to cheating.
2. You have not enough respect for your partner and your relationship. Her need and value is trampled by your selfish need. Even if you don't love your partner, if you respect her, you will break up with her before you go scouting for a new partner.
If you are secure as a person and you respect your partner, no amount of temptation will work on you. Why do you think some men and women never cheat? It's not because they don't have the same chance as you to cheat. It's because they have these 2 things.
I don't know if you could still save your relationship with your gf..I also believe that people can change. You may also need to take a break from anyone and spend some time alone. Some people do not realize their value as a person and the importance of a commitment until they are alone. Maybe you are too preoccupied by your activities with women that you start losing yourself?
Tell your gf the truth, she deserves it, but I'd say do not elaborate on every detail. This will kill her and she may bring this to her grave. This is the last respect you can give her and that is to be honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I will be blunt. You DONT love your girlfriend. If you do, you dont respect her.
It sounds like you dont know what you want. You have this girlfriend where everything was perfect (and you started talking about marriage etc) but by sleeping with others girls it shows you definitely arent ready to settle down.
I think you need to spare your girlfriend some heartache by leaving her now. Be honest with her and tell her you have an interest in another girl. You can tell her about sleeping with others but its not necessary. I dare say you may have to though as your girfriend will probably need to know to understand why you are suddenly breaking up.
Ive been cheated on before and I eventually found out. I knew just breaking up with me with no reasoning wasn't valid enough.
Then you need to either continue sleeping with other girls, or stop altogether and get to know this other girl. But be honest with yourself, once the relationship becomes comfortable, will you sleep with other girls again?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): Hi, it seems the majority of the responses are about morality. Doing the right thing means nothing unless you can be objective which you are not and, hence, have reached out to total strangers.Here is my attempt at not judging any of you and since I am middle aged I have many life experiences and are a health professional.Firstly, being able to reflect upon one's behavior and re-evaluating it shows significant maturity. Secondly, assuming you are being 100% honest and not trying to look good, you have not really known what makes you happy over the LONG run. May I suggest that marriage is a LONG run question and since you may "want" to be able to endure the LONG run, you may not be ready based the facts you presented.In terms of your attraction to a highly volitile person, that is often stimulating. To know or think you may have such impact on another and to witness it makes anyone feel powerful, important and or valued beyond the norm. It can very intoxication like a great latte or a hard drink or a smoke to chill out. remember again, you are searching for a LONG term relationship leading to marriage and beyond "we" hope, hence, may I submit to you that the girls volatility will after years, be the thing that turns into something you despise. It eventually wears most all people out and then once you possibly have kids, how they handle them too in a "volatile" way all of sudden becomes a huge liability and obstacle you will not be able to overcome since it is her issue. Unless she is open or actively seeking assistance in this unproductive behavior ON HER OWN, it seems she is not the best long-term best choice.Remember, her volatility is addictive...ADDICTIVE to you and has nothing to do with constructive, mature love.Regarding the fact that you cheated several times is somewhat the norm in this decade...hate to say this. Casual sex is as they say, 'It is what it is", hopefully, unless you are engaged then it seems these days it is not morale "these days". the part that is the problem is the fact that you have developed a relationship with this "ADDICTION" to this personality type. Most exciting, but in the LONG TERM destructive...if that is truly what you want...if you are ready.Assuming you not only logically understand what I have said but can take these words into your heart and turn them into action...this means that you have control of you addiction. this also means that you are ready to let the unhealthy one go....but you must be willing not to feel that power over having such an affect on someone. Honestly, it is about self worth...the unhealthy one elevates it, but there is a way to create a trajectory in the right direction....only if you are 100% ready.That is for you to ask the healthy one...to ask her if she is willing to give you much more feedback and sweet praise about who you are and what makes you special. It will make her more vulnerable but if she is willing to be exposed in that way, there is nothing more in the form of TRUE LONGLASTING LOVE when a partner commits to you in this way. I suspect she will and you will feel the same RUSH of worth and self-fulfillment that you did with the other, yet with this there is HONESTY, KINDNESS, MATURITY and most of all a true investment in eachother 10 times more important than any paper saying you are married! Yes? the trick is to sustain that intimacy even through arguments...speak from the heart and you will always grow with eachother OVER THE LONG TERM!As far as telling her about your indiscretions, she knows to some extent but she is wise it seems and would rather win the race with you in love rather than pick out your flaws...so do not push her face into them...understand those choices were made out of a immaturity very normal and the key is to learn from them and now...with this knowledge do the right thing first for yourself, then only if you want a long-term relationship for both of you...then lastly for her...which is really for you by the way...so it is all GODD!Good Luck my friend,J
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A
female
reader, GetUp +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I've got to go with Rescuer on this one. I can't even fathom the idea of a boyfriend cheating on his girl with six different women, then later saying that she's the best girlfriend you've ever had. If I were her and I found out, I'd just be.... completely ripped apart. My mind would be wrecked. I'd hate your guts.You are obviously not satisfied with the pathetic excuse for a "relationship" you have. You say that you want both girls, but my suggestion is that you leave your current girlfriend and stick with that second girl. After all, if you really loved your gf, you would never have fallen for someone else.So to answer your question, I think you should tell your gf about the cheating. She has every right to know that her "boyfriend" is a faithless and disloyal bastard, and why he's leaving.Seriously, leave her. You don't deserve her. Don't get into a relationship if you're going to stab her in the back and cheat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): Well, we all have our problems, and as anyone who can read what you've written you are no exception.You need to talk with your gf and let her know that you have serious and deep rooted issues with intimacy, and you are by no means capable at this time of having a responsible and loving relationship, with anyone.You need to let her know that is isn't her, but that you've been cheating constantly in the last few months, which is what you have been doing, and for whatever reason you can't seem to stop.Then, you need to break it off if she doesn't, and you need to get professional help unless you want to continue this way of life."Now I'm having doubts about my gf. I don't know if it's because of the other girl but I'm pretty sure it is."It isn't the other girl, it isn't your gf, it is YOU."I feel like I should know that my gf is the one because she is the best gf I've had."Wrong, she may be the best, but you are so mucked up that you really can't see relationships for what they are and should be."But obviously if I did truly love her I would have never cheated on her in the first place."Wrong again, people cheat on and abuse those they love frequently. It happens in every culture, by men and women. But, not everyone does it. There are ALWAYS reasons underlying this behavior and it is best truly described as a form of "abuse"."And certainly would have never gotten emotionally involved with another woman."Again, this happens all the time."I'm not completely heartless. I do feel horrible about how it all turned out and my gf hasn't deserved any of this."Correct, you are not heartless, you recognize that what you are doing isn't right, isn't fair, but you still do it. There are reasons for this. In order to work this out you will need professional help, and I'm no talking about your family doctor. You need a professional counselor."She should be the one deciding."No, no her job to figure this out, it's your job. Man up and take your dick, balls, brain and the all the rest of you (all of it is involved in what you are doing) and talk to her and end it responsibly before you hurt her far worse than you will by ending it. Be honest, don't lie under any circumstances, be open, and tell her that you need to try to figure this out, not for her, but for yourself, because you don't want to ever again do this to someone. You can't figure this out while in a relationship."Do i tell her everything?"No, not everything, but do tell her that you've been cheating, have been out of control, and it wasn't just one person but multiple people and you realize that something is seriously wrong with you yourself, and you need to get out of the relationship before harm her (AIDS still kills people, Magic Johnson not withstanding). She needs to go see her physician and be tested for STD's and you should as well.http://www.avert.org/usa-statistics.htmDo I leave it unsaid and try to work on it?No, this would be a big mistake.OK, by doing all this she will get a clear picture that it isn't her fault, or a "lack" that she has, she won't have as much self esteem destruction as if you just break it off and don't talk, or tell her it was only one woman, or if you continue to work on the relationship and continue to cheat till you get caught. She needs to know it isn't her. You need to get out.Good luck with counseling, expensive, but with the right counselor it is worth it and you can move on and have a happy well adjusted and productive life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): You use women and sex like you would alcohol, drugs, or anything stimulant to distract you from something only counselling will figure out. If you can even be truthful.You are not a Monogamous Man, you are a Serial Cheater. You are an addict. You will only bring continuous pain to women, especially if they themselves are monogamous and capable of being faithful.Tell your Current GF and any other woman in the future all you are capable of is FWB and not long term material. That you are a serial Cheater.But serial cheaters are weak and don't want to be seen as they REALLY are so they lie and hide and pretend while they abuse womens trust and break their hearts and disrespect them.http://mfgmarriage.com/extra-marital-affairs-serial-cheater/You have narcisstic tendancies and doubt you feel remorse rather you feel conflicted because you WANT BOTH Women and know the secrecy won't last long.YOU NEED THERAPY. And you need to start living honestly.Thats the truth of it but because you are a Narcissitc individual, you will just shrug off my suggestion of SELF HELP and getting healthy.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo  +, writes (23 November 2011):
 This is really bad and you are shocking. You must think you are gods gift. I wonder if your girlfriend does know your cheating and that you have had sex. Maybe she is getting hers while you are oblivious. Seriously think about it,becuase you obviously don,t care about her,MAYBE SHE DOESN,T CARE FOR YOU MUCH EITHER anymore.
Perhaps the girl you say you care about will show you a few moves on your physc that you never knew existed. You need to be taught a lesson!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): Your relationship with your gf is based on lies and isn't real and so are these other relationships if the women were unaware of your gf. You are too immature to be in a committed relationship and you're lying to yourself about the whole thing. You need to tell her the whole truth and let her decide if she wants to end it with you. She must have some inkling if she read texts to these other women.
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