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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm a 20 yr old girl. I wrote an anonymous question about an affair I had on my partner of 5 yrs. I'd like to thank the people who answered my question; it gave me a wake up call. The advice was fantastic but now I have another issue!I have ended this affair but my boyfriend has proposed to me! I REALLY want to say yes but what do I do? I want to put my affair behind me and move on. If i tell him about the affair, he will leave me! I know this sounds selfish but I just can't lose him over this. It would break his heart. Do I tell him or not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): Well if you have put it behind you, then I say never ever EVER tell him. Just move on and get hitched, have some babies, go through life, become grandparents one day, and possibly become great grandparents...
It's ideal to tell everything to your bf, or at least all the important things, but somethings like this, well, that's really up to you. For me, I would appreciate it if my gf/fiancee tells me. If I leave her, then that's the risk right? If I don't, all the better for her, but that's just me. For you, yeah, don't tell him and just say yes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): DO NOT tell him, my wife told me of her past affair with a so called friend of mine during a heated arguement and it devistated me...... our marrage is in tatters and i find it impossible to trust anyone any more. Do not break his heart and possibly yours to off load your own guilty mind,if you can't keep this to yourself then you should end the relationship, but without destroying this innocent man in the process.Living with the guilt is YOUR punishment for what YOU did!
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A
female
reader, ShouldImove +, writes (31 August 2005):
Tell him! How can you marry this man when you have such a big lie hanging over your head. Two weeks ago my partner confessed to cheating on me in the earlier days. He confessed because the more he loved me the more he felt guilty. He knew that I didn't deserve to be lied to and to be betrayed. It took guts for him to confess. Of course I was mad, hurt etc... But with confessing to me, it showed how much he loves me and how he wants to get it out in the open so we can move on with a completely honest loving relationship. He knew I deserved better. And if it meant that he didn't deserve me for what he had done then he was willing to take the consequences for his actions. Even though he didn't want to lose me. I forgave him and it has made our relationship stronger. Of course, he may not forgive you but you cheated on him. If your love is that strong he will forgive you. If he doesn't forgive you, then you two weren't meant to be.
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female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (31 August 2005):
Don't tell him. Take it from me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): The affair is over, so no, there is no need to tell him. What the heck will that accomplish? I think you learned a hard lesson over all this. There's not much recourse for getting rid of the guilt though, I think. Just try to be the best partner possible. You will probably always feel guilty, even down the road many years, but it will ease up. Think of the guilt as a seat-belt for your soul. It's your brain's way of telling you to never, ever cheat again. It's reminding you that the fun of being unfaithful is not worth the heartache & hassle of deceiving someone you dearly love. Cheating does destroy lives and it is by far, the most selfish act in any relationship.
The past is best left where it is, so concentrate on making the quality of life for you and your partner as great as you can.
Take Care
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (31 August 2005):
What is past, leave past. Do not tell your bf about it. If the two of you ever talk about sexual experiences( I hope you do before becoming lovers) he should know that you are not a virgin. But he does not need to know who, how many, how many times, etc. If at some time you are comfortable enough with him to talk about a past love, then do so. But, don't burden him at this time with a confession. He doesn't need it, and there is no reason for you to do so.
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A
female
reader, miss.handy +, writes (31 August 2005):
A quiet conscience will make a relationship stronger. The worst way to start off as marrige is by lying. Think how guilty you will feel on the day. Your wedding should be a happy day, not a guilty one. Tell him now. If he is understanding then he'll forgive you, if not then he'll cancel the proposal, but atleast then you have your whole life ahead of you. You are young, get out there!
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reader, dr.question +, writes (31 August 2005):
Do NOT tell him.
Just live with the secret forever, knowing
that in the end, you discontinued the affair and
no one got hurt. You made it out alive, take a life
lesson and move on. Just don't tell him!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): Hi, Peronsally, if you have ended the affair and you are going to put it behind u and it is compltely forgotton about - i dont think ur bf needs to know. Do you want to marry him - have a seriuos think about this, are u really ready to marry a guy if u'v been having an affair. let me tell u a little story. my best friend was engaged and had her wedding date planned and everything, about 2 months before she started having an affiar and she went thorugh the same as you, do i tell him dont i. in the end she decided not to as she completely ended it with this other guy - she went through with the wedding and she has been happily married now for 6 years and they are trying for a baby. She has never told him about the affair. and said she's glad she didnt - she was very confused back then. its up to you, but remember you are only 20 and should be rushing inot things like marriage. be cardful
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (31 August 2005):
 This is a complicated one but the real question is; can you live with what you did? If you can and you can promise it's all behind you, you love him and this will never happen again, then there is no point in hurting both of you by telling him. If you know it's all over and you can be a good wife to him then say yes. Hurting everyone will solve nothing and you'll both end up unhappy.
Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes, honesty is the best policy. However, sometimes, it's just better to keep your mouth shut and make it up to them. What they don't know can't hurt them and you do seem to really love him. Just don't do it again, learn from this. Good luck :)
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