A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am 46 year old who's remained married for 14 years with a wife who I still love and a lovely 7 yo daughter. I and my wife have communication difficulties and have grown less close emotionally or physically over time although we still connect OK in most respects and we 're devoted parents (I supsect we are like a normal marriage actually!1). I adore my daughter and never want to harm her. i have always been faithful and I'm a cautious and reserved person who doesn't take risks. now I'm working with a younger single woman (at the same professional level) who I am quite simply deeply attracted to. I also know she leaves the job and the city in 2 months time-I could remain in contact after that but it would not be simple. I feel she is a lonely person-I suspect I am attuned towards detecting this as I am abit that way too-and find myself drawn like a magnet towards her . Now I'm fully aware that this is just infatuation-not love. I have no idea if shes interestd in me though we are defintely on the same wavelength-we can chat and have coffee etc. I suspect she's aware I'm inetrested in her but she would never make the first move i am sure. She is also a very quiet shy person who is not all that expressive. First and foremost I want to be friends-I ahve no real friends outside my marriage. I also think it could develop more than that- I'm dissatisfied with my marriage because I'm moderately sociable and my wife is just not outgoing at all -I cant imagine the upheaval and isloation if I were to leave my wife. But a fling I suspect would be ok-she would tolerate it. Indeed I think my wife would be understanding (she doesnt mind me going out with other people and never asks questions-I would say she has become a little bit indifferent to me ). What do I say to this person to resolve the matter one way or another-should I jst tell her honestly i find her attractive and se what develops. I cant say this to her face -should I email her?? I could just block my feelings out, exchange pleasantries with her and never get to know her -or i could start going out with her perhaps. As she is going I know the risks of ongoing repercussions are slim and we mighgt just find we are soulmates. At my age I feel its the chance to try something different that may never arise again. And yet I am scared of rejection , I',m also aware that in a busy office my image needs to be professional-I would feel damaged by word of an involvement getting out, so discretion is very important. How deeply pathetic this might sound - I really have no idea - a part of me wants to keep my head down and ignore my feelings-but I also want to experiment and see what develops -and not just ignore my feelings as I have done in the past. Should I talk about my feelings with my wife first? Yours a little confusedly...
View related questions:
shy, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): Don't bother with your friend from the office. I have made a total mess of my marriage of 17 yrs and its not been worth it at all! I got sucked in to believeing that someone else would be able to love me better and its been a disaster. My life is now full of worries about the future, the harm I've done to my children and their future and instead of working on my marriage i've wrecked it. Work hard on your marriage, definately don't stay in touch with that woman...your feelings will subside. I can say from experience it won't be worth it and you have everything to lose if you go ahead.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): I understand the dilemma you are in and how strong the feelings can be to get to know another person in a more intimate way and let your feelings be known to her. I understand from experience and now find myself feeling very guilty, even more confused, wanting to make my life better with my husband, but now having strong feelings for another. I don't think it will make you feel any better about yourself, your marriage, etc, and will probably leave you feeling bad. I can't tell you what you should do or offer advice - only offer you my experience of doing it and my feelings having done it. All the best x
...............................
A
female
reader, epifanatical  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 A marriage that has turned dull is a two way street. You need to make more effort there if like you say you love your wife and you wouldnt do anything to harm your daughter. Leaving your marriage will harm both!!
There is nothing wrong with staying friends with this person, however, based on how you feel towards her i dont think it would be a good idea as you would feel tempted every day. The situation would be different if you werent attracted to her.
There are plenty things you could do to revive your marriage. Perhaps a good start is going to see a good marriage counsellor. They can usually give you direction and start you on your journey to re-aquire happiness. Show the love sweetee, do little things for her. Pay her attention, give her small gifts, surprize her. She will love to see that im sure. Women gauge their feelings thru actions instead of words. So even your lil cheesy gestures mean alot. Court her again. Look at her the way you did when you were lovers. Rediscover yourselves again. Take her for dinner, make love passionately, experiement. I guarantee the love will return. I wish you all the very best !! cheers :)
...............................
A
female
reader, laidbackladybird  +, writes (30 September 2008):
Maybe you should channel all this energy you are using pondering this over, into your marriage. If your wife is indifferent to you, then you need to work on your marriage. If you feel lonely, I would presume your wife feels the same, maybe try taking up a hobbie or join a group with your wife? or try writting down how you feel and that you would like to try to improve your marriage - I always find I am able to be more honest when writting things down. You need to make a choice to work on your marriage and be a good husband or if you do not want this- leave, but as I feel you are well aware - the grass isn't always greener. No matter how indifferent your wife may seem surely a 'fling' as you call it will only make problems worse between you. I am in a very simular situation and having problems with my husband, however I know that cheating and looking else where is definately not the answer, I have friends whos problems have been made ten times worse by acting on such ideas. You should see lady leaving as a chance to put her out of your mind. Try to make your wife feel loved and special, try to remeber why you fell in love with her and married her. I sympathise with you greatly, but a fling will only make things worse.
Good Luck x
...............................
|
