A
female
age
51-59,
*inda88
writes:I was in a marriage that my ex was having affairs.I think im still trying to deal with that. my ex wants to go get help and work on things.i have been dating a guy for about 9months now and my ex is upset that im seeing this man.He wants our family back.there are things i do miss about my ex i was with him for along time. the guy im dating is different from him. he is a great guy but dosen't seem to want sex that much and i feel i need to start it all the time.i know that is not everything but at the same time it is a big part.i guess maybe this is making me confused about the whole thing. do i talk to this man about this or just leave it alone.it hard to bring up. maybe if i cut off ties with him i will think clearly about what to do.everyone tells me that im crazy to go back after all that has been done by my ex.now you have someone that treats you with respect.
View related questions:
affair, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (10 October 2007):
Dump the new guy. You two do not mesh well. Consider either a new bf or you ex. Either way it's a risk.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 October 2007):
 It is hard to get past it. Every second of our lives are files in different sections of our brain. What's hard is our brain looks at pleasure as pleasure. I'll use sex as an example, since most can relate to that. Sex, to me, feels good, it's enjoyable. If I have it with a girl I'm really emotionally attached to, or pick up a one night stand (which I don't do), I'm sure sex will feel good.
We do the same with pain. All the arguing you had, the pain and aggravation from that gets logged also. When looking at your ex and having a relationship with him, your brain automatically picks up on that and then pain is associated with that.
The point is, getting over the past before. You have to separate that pain. You have to refile it or eliminate it or your setting yourself up for not trusting from day one. Then history will repeat its self.
Another thing is he hasn't begun changing yet. He said he will change. If he really had this desire to begin again with you, those changes would have all ready taken place. It's not you come back to me first. One more thing, when people do that and say you do this then I will, the change wouldn't be permanent. Only temp. Change has to be for him, not to obtain something. Change to obtain something only lasts until they get it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (10 October 2007):
 I've known many people where they have been in your shoe's. I've known it where it works out and where it doesn't work out.
My thoughts on this is...that he left you. It didn't work with the other woman so he finds out your seeing someone and of course he wants back with you...he's not seeing anyone else. He brings up that he wants the family back...well, why didn't he think of THAT before he left out of the house? Were the girls (and you) not important then, but they are now? AND he knew, that cheating was wrong. It's sounds as if he slept with several women. Sounds like he wants to be a good boy for the time being, then eventually, he will probably go back to his old ways. Before he left, he then should have said...You know what Baby, we need to try to work this out...BUT, he didn't. He left. Sounds like you have a wonderful man now, I wouldn't want to lose him. Sex can be worked out...it's called communication. There's not that many good men OR women out in this world, and I would hate for you to lose a good thing for someone you already know his history. However, the choice is your's..because you will be the one to live with which ever you choose.
Good Luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, linda88 +, writes (10 October 2007):
linda88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy ex left me over a year ago and moved in with a women he meet at work.i was married to him for 18 years. WE meet in high school so a long time.During the time he left it was hard on myself and our girls.we fought all the time. i told him he has made a big mistake and was still willing to forgive him.he lived with her for a year but always tried to act like he was going to leave her because he wasn't that happy. i started to date and meet this man that i do like and we have alot of fun together.My ex is not with this women anymore because i guess he was confused and she couldn't handle it. he lives with some guys now. maybe he can't be alone or is upset that i still have this man and he dosen't have anyone. he claims he wants to get the help to change and will make all this up to me. when so much has been done and it is hard to get pass that.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 ditto what RCN said.
Another thing, did your ex want you back after he found out you were seeing someone else.
The pattern with men who are serial cheaters is their egos are so fragile ( despite appearances ) they cannot handle their ex's picking up with someone else.
There's one thing for sure, if you split up with your current beau I'd bet my house on it that your ex's interest starts to wane rather quickly and he will fall into old habits.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 October 2007):
You need to tell your boyfriend what's going on. He's the innocent one, if you chose to go back, he's still be the innocent one, or the victim of your choices.
You said your still dealing with his cheating? No going back until that's settled. You need counseling to help you effectively deal with it, or it's going to remain. You said something about having his family back? So you have children with you? If so, you'd better find a place you fit and stay that best benefits the growth of your kids. If not, you leave you husband, date this other guy (bond is developed), go back to your husband (bond torn apart), husband cheats (back to being without their dad). By that time there going to have much more emotional difficulties than a band aid will help.
Either way you need to get some emotional help. You need to deal with the issues from your ex. Going back to him right now while still dealing with the issues he caused last time would be like trying to pick a car up from the repair shop and they haven't put the important parts on that are required for it to run.
Weigh it out, sex isn't everything (nope it's a small part), but what's better, negotiating more sex from a person who treats you well, or not having to negotiate with someone who may give it to you but is also sharing that pleasure with others as well.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (9 October 2007):
 If you have any intention, even the slightest thought about returning to the ex, (which it sounds like you do) tell the new bf, so he can make choices too. Otherwise you are just using him, and he will find out anyways, but then, you will have worse consequences to deal with if it happens that way.
-Frank B Kermit
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I totally understand where you are coming from on this, my husband cheated and i met someone else that was completely different, but at the end of the day i still and always will love my husband i and have forgiven and forgotten, if you can say all those things then you get back together and get some help with your relationship, we identified what the problem with us was and at the end of the day the problem is as a couple, and we have it sorted, ok there are no guarantees but if it's what you want then you go for it, you can listen to what other people say but until they are in that situation themselves it is only their opinion, you do whats right for you.
Take care.xx.
...............................
|
