A
female
age
41-50,
*heryl-ann
writes:Help! I need advice, my soon to be ex husband seems to be getting such an easy life of it, while i sit here stewing. we split up a couple of years ago after near ten years of physical, mental and sexual abuse and i feel so lonely while he seems to have a different girl every other week, I've got two kids to him and although he's good to them he always treated me like dirt, so why am I so hurt when i know he is out with a new girl. He says im jealous and still in love with him. The whole time we've been apart ive been single concentrating on the kids and ive started a uni entrance course, but I'm so lonely and I cry myself to sleep most nights, it still hurts so much. Do I still have feelings for him or am i just sad.
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female
reader, cheryl-ann +, writes (4 December 2009):
cheryl-ann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to every-one that has took the time and effort to reply, it was very heartwarming to read all your replys. ive started to grasp myself and you;ve all helped me see things clearer thank you xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): Hello. If he was a mean and selfish man he will move on easily because he doesnt have the hurts and regrets you have! But he will probably still be flitting from one to another long after youve found someone lovely and settled down to a better life. You just envy him because he seems so happy and has a girl on his arm but it is just envy. Once you are over the pain he caused, things will look brighter. Its easy to fall into the Victim Trap and recycle what they did to you day in day out, but its a destructive mind set. Once you realise how lucky you were to get out of that relationship and you start recovering from his abuse, you will be alot happier. Try counselling it will help.
I found after my break up that the evenings were the worst time for feeling very lonely. But having the pc helped. I found a chat site and made cyber friends and it might sound daft, but having someone to say goodnight to just before i went to bed was a comfort. I clicked with one guy in particular and we trades stories about our ex`s and how we had come to be alone. There was a 15 year age gap but hey, we were only chatting. He only lived 20 minutes away and after a few months he asked that we meet for a drink so he could put a face to me! Im a bit shy and hadnt used a webcam or anything, just typed messages. I was nervous and tried to get out of meeting him at the last moment, but he was already waiting outside the pub we had agreed on. With a huge bunch of flowers for me! I felt so bad i went and met him. That was 3 years ago and we plan to marry next year.
My ex? He got burnt out with flitting between girls. Hes asked to join us for christmas lunch because he has no where else to go. We said he was very welcome. Life has a way of turning around so take heart from that and dont worry too much about what the ex is doing. You are a winner you just dont realise it yet. But you will x
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A
male
reader, duce00  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 It is strange how you can miss something so dysfunctional but it does happen. I know that from experience.
My feeling is that there is a certain security in having a relationship that many people crave. This says nothing of the quality, just the simple existence of it.
It is also a factor of being scared of trying again and seeing your ex have absolutely no problems doing it only makes it worse. Been there too.
The best thing I can say is keep on living your life. Keep on and widening your circle of friends. Read some books that will inspire you and give you some understanding of who you really are. Be the best parent you know how to be. Do things that you can take your own quiet pride in.
I am sure that one day you will be cruising along and minding your own business when some man will notice how wonderful you are and how you carry yourself with that subtle feminine pride. After he stumbles on his shoelaces and utters some string of senseless syllables you can think back and laugh about the old days when you thought this couldn't ever happen to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): All you are doing is grieving the loss of the relationship (however bad) and also the loss of years gone and what should or could have been. Please don't be hard on yourself. At the moment your thoughts are still centred around his life - I bet that was how you lived before when you were with him. You are free now don't waste your energy like this - you are still rooted to the same spot of unhappiness. Nobody knows this guy like you do - so hey, let him be with other women they can have him. Surely they can work it out for themselves - if not that is their problem. You are starting to make a transition with your uni course which sounds great. Use this as a seed for other things. Him claiming you are still in love with him would please him greatly - another form of control over you. Trust me the more you start doing things just for you the better - bit by bit you will realise you have 'flipped' your thinking around. Its not easy but isn't it time you set yourself free? The gate is open after all.....its time to play again.
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A
male
reader, major 1 +, writes (3 December 2009):
I am sorry that You feel so lonley! Trust me, You will find some one that will treat you and love you the way you should be loved. Not to mention the fact, that this man that you were with and have to kids from him. If he Physicaly and mentaly abused you. Your better off with out him. Do you want you children to Grow up and be just like their father was? No doubt he is probably good to the children that you share, but Is he a Good Father? If Dad is attacking mommy, trust me; It has taken a toll on your children. Good Fathers Don't Abuse their wifes in any way
I have taken alot of me to county Jail for the physical abuse they have done to their wifes. To be honest with you,
Most of these men, are cowards! I am in no way saying anything bad about your soon to be Ex Husband. All I am saying, Every husband that has harmed his wife by Physically attacking her, Or abuse wifes by forcing them selfs on the wifes. Cry like baby's when they get locked up. Trust me! There are certain codes by the prisoners. They don't like Men that push woman around like dogs, big no no. Good luck, You and your children will be in my prayers! I will also Pray for your husband; as I hope you can get the help he needs, before he ends up in prison himself for killing a woman.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
No, you don't have feelings for him at all. You're resenting the fact he has so easily been able to move on while you've been left hurt. The best thing you can do, since you have suffered, is to speak to a counsellor, who will be able to help you make sense of your feelings, and help you understand them. Remember he abused you and hurt you, and you need to move on for your own sake. You need counselling to get over this. I am sorry you went through this, but if you work hard to understand yourself and build your confidence up again, you'll be able to meet a far better guy. Focus on your own life, and your children.
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