A
female
age
41-50,
*essedupfemale
writes:I have found this site really useful and have read it recently to help with my situation, however, I have joined today to be able to get some real advice for my exact situation. I cant talk to my family as they just change the subject (although we are a close family, "feelings" are not spoken about, whenever I try to speak to my mum, she changes the subject and says "what would you like for tea?").I am 28 years old and have had my fair share of bad relationships, however, in June 2006 I joined an internet dating site and met up with a lovely guy who I thought was the one. We hit it off from the start, he was perfect. It sounds cliche, but I realised that I had previously thought I was in love, but knew once I met him, that this was real love. I would have done anything for him. About 6 months into the relationship my boyfriend started to become more withdrawn and we stopped doing things together like picnics and going for dinner, etc. I felt that no effort was being made from his side, he would expect me to go to his house, he would not make the effort to come to my place, he admitted he was lazy. When I did go to his place, it got to the point that when I turned up he was playing on the computer or PC and I felt like a spare part! He would ask that I amuse myself while I was at his place, while he gets on and downloads music, films, does his housework and gardening etc. I started to read books to keep myself amused, but the more weeks that this went on, the more we argued. It got to the point that I confronted him and asked why we dont do anything like we used to, and he told me that it was becasue we are not in the honeymoon period anymore and he doesnt like going out, he doesnt like people, he likes saving money, and having a nice meal in with me and a bottle of wine; he suggested that maybe he had got old before his time. I told him that it would make me happy if we did things together as a couple like bowling, cineama, etc, but he refused and said that he would only do it if planned and only 1 time per month. If we were ever invited anywhere that he didnt want to go, he would tell me to go alone or stay in with him. Despite this, he assured me he loved me, but he always seem to have a barrier up around him. I got the impression that he didnt need me like I needed him and I confronted him, basically saying that if we were to continue, I needed compromise. After much discussion he said that he has been happy with how things have been i.e me making all the effort, and he ended things convincing himself that I was after the single life and a clubbing lifestyle (taking what I was saying to the extreme).I was devastated at this point, I begged for him to agree to work things out with me, but he said we needed to not speak for a month. I couldnt understand how someone that loved me could do this to me, I thought that he would have done anything to make me happy!After a few weeks, I met someone else (very quickly and unplanned), we went on a date, and ended up getting together as an official couple within 1 month, he spent a lot of time at my flat, and I had actually started to forget about my ex. This new man is more up for socialising, being happy and outgoing and spontaneous. However, after about 3 months of being happy, I was contacted by my ex, he was apologising for the way he had treated me and saying that in hindsight, maybe we could have worked things out, but that he had been stubborn at the time. He also informed me he was going travelling for 6 months. This is where I am at now. I am with my current boyfriend who thinks the world of me, but since my ex contacted me, I have thought about nothing but getting back with him (although he has not actually asked me to!), all he has hinted at is that when he gets back from traveling in May 09, he would lke to come whip me off my feet. I feel sorry for my current boyfriend as it is not his fault that he got mixed up with me and my mixed feelings. I dont want to continue with the way things are with these doubts in my mind about my ex. If I could do anything right now, I would get a flight out to see my ex and go travelling with him! I gave my ex 100% and more, tried to save our relationship, it failed at that time, but now I feel there could be a chance. I do believe in giving people 2nd chances.I dont know what to do, I dont know how to approach things with my current boyfriend to minimise the hurt, but want to be honest with him. I hate this situation, I hate the fact that my ex now says he never stopped loving me, but let me go because he thought it would make me happy to go out and do things socially. If I had my ex and my current boyfriend at either sides of the room, I would not know where to go:My current boyfriend:Social, caring, loving, sensitive, funny, life and soul of party, really into me, however, he smokes pot and cigarettes and I dont, and drinks way too much! When I asked him to give up the pot, he told me that I couldnt tell him what to do and told me he was leaving me (then changed his mind), no house, no car, cant drive, not much money, gambles, wants to settle down with me for marriage and kidsMy ExAnti social, said he loved me and did nice things like send flowers, but rarely looked me in the eye to tell me he loved me, funny, healthy, non smoker, no drugs, his own house, car, good job, ambition, wants to settle down with me for marriage and kids. I have spoken to ex recently on e-mail and feel like I still love him, it is not fair to bring my curernt boyfriend into this and lead him on! I am worried that if in May 09 my ex comes back, I will want him and would have lead on my current boyfriend!I was to do what is right, to minimise hurt, minimise my own hurt and be a good person.Can anyone help or advise?
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ambition, clubbing, drugs, flowers, money, my ex, period, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): There are so many people in the world, that I honestly think you can find someone more in tune with your needs and lifestyle than either one of these men. No one is perfect but neither of these sounds like the right man for you. If you're looking for a husband, the current boyfriend is too much into partying and having fun to be a good husband right now. And the previous one sounds anti-social, cheap, and admitted he's lazy! Does this seem like the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Love will only get you so far, then you should have mutual respect, similar values and desires out of life in order to really make a relationship work. Do you want to spend the rest of your life holed up with one guy, no social life, entertaining yourself while he does his own thing, and afraid to spend any money on extras? Doesn't sound so hot to me.
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (29 November 2008):
 I think years into the future, peoples addictions will not only be, drugs and drink, but computers will be a serious addiction problem. Sounds like your ex can't drag himself into the real world he doesnt know anything else thats why he doesnt have the confidence to do 'real things' with 'real people. Like he's lost his sense of reality by living in an unreal world. He's not on his own. You met him via the pc and everything was fine until you came into his real world and he found it difficult to give you what you said you needed. You went and found an exciting man. Exciting men, do live, they smoke, they drink, they party like theres no tommorow. You sound very confused and torn between them both. You could do with having some time out for yourself. You may find a man who has the qualities that both these men have combined then you would get the best of both worlds. If you go back to your ex I can't imagine how he could 'change into what y ou want from him, and maybe he wouldnt have the staying power and revert back inside himself and his virtual reality world. Only you can decide at the end of the day. It is flattering for two men to want you but at the end of the day someone will get hurt, I hope it isnt y ou. good luck and hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): Both guys are poor choices. The first took you for granted and the current one won't even give up drugs. Both these guys aren't ever going to make you happy because they don't view you as someone they want to be the best for. Your better off finding another guy that actually values you and thinks the world of you. These two don't.
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A
male
reader, RonMexico  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Oh this is messy, I was in a similar situation. I feel I have some useful advice so I am going to put some of my time into this while I eat breakfast :).You are at a crossroads and you don't know which way to go. Well, let's have a thought experiment: where do you want to be when you settle down? I'm not going to lie, I sound a lot like the crazy boyfriend (pot, drinking, gambling, partying) minus the no job, no car deal. Anyways, regardless, he won't have much to offer you down the road...On the other hand, the other guy seems too content and introverted to give you what you demand in a relationship even though you share a deep love with him. My suggestion is this, you are concerned already about leaving your current boyfriend. He is an underachiever but is a lot of fun. But, you're ex has spent some time traveling now, maybe it has rejuvenated his life? Maybe he will want to see more of the city he lives in with you in the future because now he has seen more of the world. Your ex is a safe bet: good job, house, car, stable. You have only things to gain at least by giving him a chance. I am a fan of second chances because I was NOT given one when I needed one...Anyways, hope my logic was of help.Cheers,Ron Mexico
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