A
female
age
30-35,
*upermum
writes:Hiya!!I know you get a lot of these, but I would appreciate advice on my boyfriend. He is 26, lives and works in London and is the nicest bloke I have ever dated. He is caring, loving, would never raise a hand to me and has acccepted me with all my bagage. Perfect right? Nope.I am 20, and I live in Rochester. We see eachother once a month (twice if I am really lucky) and sometimes less than that. He hardly ever makes the effort to contact me, it is always the other way around. Recently, I was admited to hospital due to some severe complications to egg donation. I was in the High Dependancy unit for a couple of days and I genuinely thought at one point my time was up. He didn't come to see me. His excuse? He had problems with a recent move, and was working so unable to get away. My thoughts? He should ask his boss (also a close friend) for an afternoon off to come and see me.This is after not seeing me at Christmas, not being here for Valentines day and not getting me a present for my birthday. I feel like such a spare part, but every time I go to split with him, he makes a sob story that I can't help but fall for. I love the guy, but I hate him too.We have been together for around 18 months now, so it is still a fairly new relationship. But I know people that have gotten married in less, so why do I feel like this is not going anywhere?He always has a good excuse..... and I do understand the circumstances... but I am fed up of being so far down his list of priorities.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (30 June 2011):
he may be a nice guy in general but, like you said, you're just not that high on his list of priorities. that's just how he feels about you.
I would question why HE is in this relationship. why does he want to technically maintain a relationship that he places such a low priority on?
IMO, people who want to be technically in a committed relationship yet their actions show that they place very low priority on the relationship, are usually selfish. They see the relationship as something to take from when it's convenient for them, but not something that they are willing to put effort into giving back to. Or, they really aren't interested in being in a relationship except that they get some perks from the status of being in one.
Another reason could be that he actually doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but feels too guilty or afraid to break up with you and make it official. so his behavior may be just an honest reflection of his lack of enthusiasm for you as he drifts along waiting to see when you'll eventually get tired of this and leave him, or he may actually be deliberately being hurtful to you so that you will be the one to instigate a break up and spare him the effort or guilt.
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (29 June 2011):
supermum is verified as being by the original poster of the question @frogs84, I cannot move to London due to being settled here with my daughter, family and support network, and he wont move closer because he works in central london and does not want the commute.
I appreciate all of your responses. I just hope I can be strong enough to actually leave this time :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): You are young. Please don't waste yoyr life on a selfish man. He will be selfish with who ever he meets. Take time to work on yoyr self confidence.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 June 2011):
A man who doesn't visit you when you are in hospital with a serious condition, really isn't the one for you at all.
And if he's the nicest guy you've dated, you really need to spend some time alone working on your confidence so you don't let guys like this treat you this way in future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): At best he sounds selfish. The question which you have probably already answered is 'Do you want to be with a selfish man?'. If I loved someone and they were in a high dependency unit I would be there immediately. No excuses. The way he behaves is only going to let you down time and time again. What next? He is certainly not you 'rock' to rely on! My advice is to find someone who you know is there for you. Life is hard we all need and deserve that special person.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Sounds like you are wasting your time on this relationship. I would definitely move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Maybe you both need to sit down and face facts that the relationship has run its course. Tell him that you don't feel that the relationship isn't living up to its full potential and you want to be able to live your life as bf and gf properly or not at all.Also is there anyway that you can move to London or him to Rochester?
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