A
female
age
36-40,
*auzibiza
writes:Hi im 22 and im so confused....I dont know if i should leave my partner or stay...im a single mom off a gorgeous little boy...my partner used to be such a nice guy...now his dad has terminal cancer hes changed so much...a few hours ago i refused to let him in my house after a row and he kicked at my back door until the wood came off right in frount of my son.and i had to call his mother !! Hes 22 ..!Hes pushed me before shouted in my face and gone to throw a glass bottle at me during arguements...Hes never laid a finger on me or cheated and is normally very good with my son..im an attractive girl but have a few stretch marks from my son..i think the only reason i stay is because im insecure about these imperfections and think i wont find someone else..because i think if someone else showed an interest in me or i knew i wouldnt be alone forever if i left..id go..He always says try and find a better guy than me or noone else would put up with your son ( hes quite naughty and attention seeking but hes just a child!! where i live is pretty small and full of chavs..i dont want to leave an okay relationship to be all alone for years ..or meet another guy who will beat me up or cheat..do i stay and be happy when its good but so miserable when its not or leave and face the possibilty of being alone forever !! Im so upset and confused i know i should leave but im just terrified of never finding anyone who matches up..:( please help me ...
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Good on you. It is hard I know. My children whitnessed things they shouldn't have a couple of years ago. I was always one of those people that said people shouldn't expose their children to things like that. But when you are in the thick of it, you really dont see the wood for the trees!! Its not til you are out of it that it hits home what you have put them through really.
Its a case of seeing the light and wising up again, getting things in perspective and waking up from that nightmare you were in. As you say, it shouldn't be like that, and wont be like that with someone else in the future xxx
A
female
reader, lauzibiza +, writes (1 October 2009):
lauzibiza is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to everyone...well his dad passed away two weeks ago and a few days later we had a fight and he lost it and pushed me into my wardrobe and grabbed me...my son was in the house hear the bangs and screams and came storming up the stairs shouting im comeing mommy. he left the house and ive not spoken to him since...! Its like my eyes have opened and i see him for what he really is now..i feel like a hug weight has been lifted of my shoulders!!! I know i will get someone better who deserves me and my child..im not an insecure person but he made me feel so worthless...now im strong and confident again and its taken a week without him..my son is sooo much happier and also better behaved ..my ex is stalking me driving past the house everyday ..calling and calling ..i changed my mobile number but the land line is still being processed.im not looking for another relationship..im going to get back to me and be the best mom i can to make up for the things my poor baby has seen and heard..anyone out there going thought what i did..sometimes you just arnt ready to leave..dont feel bad..dont let anyone guilt trip you or tell you to leave..that makes you want to stay!! You will leave when your ready and strong enough ..keep strong ladies and thanks so much for the help xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): Hi there
You sound a nice, kind person and very caring - too caring to the point that you are only considering leaving rather than 200 miles up the road already. His behaviour is inexcusable and you don't deserve it. However, relationships arent abusive from day one, they slowly erode your confidence and self belief to the point that a few stretch marks and a normal toddler leave you thinking you are unloveable and unattractive (and if u are like me, you feel guilty for staying as well). I'm hopefully going to give you a few options which may help even if you aren't ready to leave.
Next time you go shopping, look out for all these imperfect, 'unattractive people', with a really critical eye, and ask yourself, do they deserve to be beaten or put down, and are they all alone and miserable because of their imperfections? I bet you will find something likeable in everyone you see, and I bet in your heart you wouldn't think any one of them worthy of misery, because you have already shown yourself to be a kind and loving person. So, if you think so little of yourself, its no wonder you dont have the strength to leave, and thats ok, its not a race, for now just change your thoughts and beliefs - then the partner will either change or leave naturally when you are ready.
As a small starting point, write down every compliment someone pays you, no matter how small, better still if they dont come from him, even if your toddler says something like 'I love you Mummy'. That way, whenever you think something bad (ie my stretch marks are bad, Im unloveable), or he says something which damages your confidence, counter it immediately by remembering the nice things others have said. Look in the mirror at yourself in the morning and smile, saying 'I am loveable and I am loved' - I bet your little one loves you and doesnt notice the stretch marks, so you know thats true, try viewing yourself through those little eyes!
Also, if you have the strength, ring Womens Aid and ask for some support, they wont judge you for not leaving and may be able to get you onto a Freedom Programme which will help you build up your own self esteem.
Of course after all that, u are still left with the option to leave if you want to...... and whether you choose to take that is for you, and you alone to decide. Personally I think its expecting a lot!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Hi I am in a pretty similar situation. My partner rings other women, hits me, treats me like crap and then makes it all my fault. I want to leave but I'm just so scared of being alone. Plus I will never be free ad we have a daughter. I don't want her to be brought up in the misery I feel but I'm too insecure and weak and put up with it :-( trust me though the violence never gets better, you just become better at hiding it from others and justifying it to yourself xx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 August 2009):
Its very stressful for his mum right now, but of course you should call the police if he is threatening you in any way! You are so young, it just seems crazy putting up with all this rubbish. There are plenty of guys that will take on someone elses child, I admire that in some guys. Usually its the sign of a good one!
You need to learn from this though, otherwise you will keep meeting dead beats. Figure out what attracts you to someone. And maybe try and change that. Otherwise you will go from one bad egg to another (frying pan and fire scenario)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I agree with Honeypie. There's absolutely NO excuse for him hurting you. It may *explain* his behaviour to you, but it doesn't *excuse* it. You need to get yourself and your son to a safe place, far away from this man, because now that it's begun it'll only get worse. And no, you sure as heck won't be alone forever (and even if it meant being alone, I would rather be alone than waste my life with a guy who beat me).Can you get some counselling from a women's center in your area? It really helps to talk with somebody who has been in a similar situation. You need to build up your self-esteem enough to see that you're a valuable person who doesn't deserve this treatment. Also google "signs of abuser" to get more information about how some people become abusive and how victims of abuse get to that place where they feel helpless.Lastly, don't ever apologize for your stretchmarks. Wear them like the badge of honour that they are. Any guy who freaks out about them is a jerk, plain and simple. Good luck, protect yourself and your little boy!
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A
female
reader, helpful person  +, writes (27 August 2009):
don't ever think you won't find anyone else and don't be brain washed into thinking that by him all kids are bad at some time and family being sick is hard on anyone the truth is this man loves you but at the same time thats no reason to be an asshole to you wait till the father gets better before walking out but if he don't change and you have done everything to make it work leave because your son don't need to see anyone treating you ugly and as a mom i know you don't want him growing up thinking it's ok to act they way
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A
female
reader, lauzibiza +, writes (27 August 2009):
lauzibiza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and ive called the police before and his mom pulled me aside and asked me not to in future because of his dad being ill and to call her first and she will sort him out ..but if he does try and kick his way into my house i WILL call the police again and not his mom because it didnt work ..
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A
female
reader, lauzibiza +, writes (27 August 2009):
lauzibiza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys ..i know im being weak and stupid and selfish and by me staying in this relationship in the long run its hurting my son and i know that its wrong and i do want out...Im so tired of being hurt by men ...i do have friends and family but most of the time my friends try and jusitfy his actions because of his dad being ill and they talk me round..they think because hes not hit me or cheated that hes a good guy because of theyre own personal experience with men..Being beaten up and cheated on ect..its hard when your support system is pushing you one way when you just want someone to tell you NO hes a bad guy and to give me the strength i need to leave for good...If im alone and turn my phone off i do okay for a few days then i meet up with or talk to a so called friend and they like oh just get back with him ...you know u want to hes not hit you hes a good guy ...ect ect and i weaken..im not excuseing myself there is no excuse im just explaining why ive not left in the past and how it makes things a little harder..also my son doesnt show any signs of it affecting him and he still adores my partner although i know it will affect his future relationships and that terrifies me..i saw things like this in my childhood maybe i think its ok because i turned out alright...Then theres my insecurities ive gained some weight since being with him and im so scared noone else will want me with a child and stretch marks when they can meet a girl my ages with a gorgeous body and no baggage..There are so many horrendous guys out there i just dont want to leave one that hasnt gone to the server abuse levels such as hitting me or my son or cheating and then i meet one that does..I know i sound trully pathetic and i hate people who stick around for this kind of unhappieness But this is how i feel and i cant change it ...I just wish i had the confidence and strength to just leave him!! I dont want to be in this relationship but my fear of being alone or never finding a man that gave me what i had with him in the start is keeping me in this ridiculous relationship...i need to leave!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I have to say that... he has cancer. He is becoming more violent and angry at you. He is doing this because you are going to live, he is not. Im not saying this is right by no means and if the situation is dangerous then you should leave. Without a doubt your son should never witness this. I also have to say that you should seek help for him and your self. coming to grips with death is never easy and the help of someone to talk to in person would benefit you greatly. if you would like to talk more pm me.
good luck and be safe.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2009):
 First off you are 22! You will NOT be alone forever if you dump this guy. He might be feeling powerless over his Dad's disease, but that is NO excuse to abuse you. And even more so NOT in front of your child.
You need to cut him out of your life. Cut contact. He will do WAY more harm to you and your child's mental state then you can imagine if you keep making excuses and accept this behavior.
Next time he tries to kick his way in the house, call the police, NOT his mom.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 August 2009):
An ok relationship? Doesn't sound like it to me. The last time I had a relationship that volitile was in my teens. And I soon met someone else that didn't throw his weight about and ended up with him until I was near on 30.
At your age you can leave this immature relationship and still look forward to dating a shed load of people yet.
And you should be thinking about your child seeing all this, not yourself. If your child grows up seeing a volitile relationship they will think thats normal, and the cycle continues! Do you want that?
Wise up x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I know what you mean about being alone. Do you have any friend s or family that can offer you support? It sounds to me like you already know your answer. You want to leave. His parent having cancer is NO excuse for violence. At the first sign of violence, you need to leave, but it demonstrates how he reacts to situations. Do you really want your son to grow up in that kind of environment? Do you really want to be so emotionally drained that you can't offer your child happiness? Leave. It'll be extremely difficult at first, but I think you and your child will be better off in the long run without someone who resorts to physical violence.
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