A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So a couple of days ago was my 2nd anniversary with my boyfriend. It's been an odd two years - mostly happy moments but with a couple of major unhappy ones. I'll give the full history and this might be long:We had a happy relationship for about 4 months - then one weekend he said he wanted to think. The following Monday, he told gave me the whole "I love you, but I don't think I'm IN love with you" crap. Loving him dearly, I played it off that it's fine if we're friends. I just wanted him happy. He came crying (literally) at my door at 1 in the morning about his mistake and how much he loved me and was just confused but was certain now.Three more happy months followed. Then, one day, he made an attempt at sex (we hadn't had sex up to this point) and couldn't seem to stay up. He vowed how deeply he loved me and that it had nothing to do with me. One week later, he pulls the same crap - telling me that he's 100% certain that he didn't love me in a romantic sense, that we could be friends and that he was just afraid of being alone before. Comes to my house in the middle of the night...again. This time, he asks me to marry him. Emotionally distraught, I reluctantly accepted..out of sheer confusion. Things were wonderful at this point on. We moved in together 9 months later. Then, a couple of weeks ago, he does this yet again...sort of. We're trying to move out of state to get higher degrees. He brings up that relationships aren't that big of a deal to him and tells me "It's either my career or our relationship..." and that he wasn't sure if he would just be better off going on his own. I asked him up front "do you love me enough to want to keep me around?" he sat thinking..too hard, so I got up and started packing. Enough was enough. When he asked where I was going, I merely mentioned that "You'll be happier without me" When I attempted to walk from the bedroom, he blocked me and held me saying that he wanted/needed me there - that it'd be easier to make the move with me and how I gave him tons of support..yadda yadda. After discussion, he said he loved me, he just wasn't sure how much. Of course, this ticked me a little and he finally admitted to taking me for granted, that he just got too comfortable and it made him do such from time to time. So, I stuck around again.Finally, I'm having a problem. At 22, for some reason (going to a doctor tomorrow) my hair is falling out. You can see the scalp and it's horrid. As if this wasn't depressing enough, I mentioned that if it gets to a point of pure patchiness, that I would just shave my head. It'd look better than having bald spots and scraggly hair. He bluntly admitted "I would not be attracted to you" and when I said "I know how important my looks are to you.." he responded with "They're important to you too" and I finally asked if he'd stay with me if I had to resort to doing such. This question made him EXTREMELY flustered and confused. He didn't seem angry, but very...awkward. He said he'd probably not be able to have sex with me. Basically, after all of his confused rantings, I was able to conclude that our relationship would suffer and probably end because of his inability to find me attractive with a shaved head. This lead me to believe that part of my value to him are my looks. This is making me rethinking leaving. I'm not sure if it's worth being with someone who loves my looks more than my person, but I'm not sure if that's how it'd work either. He could have just been brutally honest where most guys would have lied. He could also just have been thrown off by the question? I guess I'm just concerned because what if something worse happens? If I become disfigured or need chemo, he wouldn't love me as much because I wouldn't be as pretty. He's normally a wonderful guy, if not a bit more honest than most women prefer. I guess I was hoping I'd get a "you'll always be beautiful to me" kind of corny response. Sadly, he's the kind of guy who has to screw up before realizing his mistakes. I feel horribly alone now, and invaluable and cannot discuss it much with him because he gets highly irritated when I "complain" too much or make issues "bigger than they are". I feel like he's always judging me. He's unpredictable and I'm not sure how he'd react...or if it's even important. What the heck am I supposed to do? Do I just let it go and move on and be alone? (I literally have no friends or anything aside from him) Or do I fight for deeper meaning and push onward, accepting his honesty?So, do I stay or walk away for good this time? Should I let him attempt to redeem his words again?I know this is long, but I appreciate anyone who read it all the way through and can offer some decent advice!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 August 2009):
 Don't go there, Q.
I personally would have left this guy. I would have given him one, maybe two, chances to decide if he really loved me. The second time he told me he wasn't certain.... I'm outta there. Why? Because I'm wasting my time with a guy who may never figure it out. Why settle for crumbs from a guy who may be very polite and nice and helpful and gentlemanly and all when I could be out there and available to meet the guy who was going to love me utterly and completely? Hair or no hair?
You're settling for second best and you're letting him decide whether you stay or go. You've let him do it a couple of times now, so he knows you're okay with it. You may say you hate it, but you stick around for it. He pushes you to the limit, then reels you back in.
And if you literally have no friends and nothing aside from him, you are leading a very unbalanced life. You are expecting him to be your everything, and I hate to tell you this, but that only happens in fairy tales. Why do you have nobody aside from him? How did you let yourself get to this place? And how are you going to get out?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I would elect to dump him quick and move on. You're still young, can meet lots of guys, and shouldn't be with who is wishy-washy and hurtful. You deserve to be with someone who values the whole you, hair or no hair. Geez, I like guys with long hair, but hey, if my guy decided to cut it off, I'd still find him sexy. It's just hair, for goodness sakes! :)I don't doubt, as you say, that he's a really nice man and a good friend. Just not the right guy for you, not at this time. He sounds like he's lacking in self-esteem too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): The only half way helpful and comforting answer I've gotten has been from allovertheboardgirl. Stop making such assumptions.Yes, he is indecisive. I will not defend that. But being indecisive doesn't mean you're a horrible human being. He DOES treat me well aside from the situations which lasted for a week at most. I came here for help, not to be treated poorly by you, q1605 and Lazy Guy. And seriously, the comment about complaining and women was just outright sexist. I may complain, but I know plenty of guys who do the same and plenty of girls who do not. I also don't get where he's making me sacrifice MY career...I'm the one who talked HIM into going back to school together in another state. One of his reasons in that instance was not only because of his career, but because of mine as well. You seem to be worse of a person than he is. My friends had no problems with him. Actually, my friends deserted me at the beginning of our relationship because they didn't "condone my suicide attempt" and were pushing me away even BEFORE I met him. I really just want to know if I should stick out his indecisiveness or move on. I don't need a lecture telling me he's a bad person because I know first hand that he isn't. He never raises his voice. He cooks, cleans, helps me greatly with finances, makes a ton of effort to make me happy and even in the mentioned situations, he struggled greatly to reach the conclusions he reached, only to regret them. THAT, again, is why it's so difficult. If he didn't treat me well in between, I wouldn't be having this dilemma as to whether or not his indecisiveness was worth dealing with and if it'd pass or not. I mean seriously, can you guys BE anymore insensitive?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I am the original poster. Let me point out a few more things;he does not ignore me. In fact, aside from the already mentioned issues, he treats me EXTREMELY well. Aside from the current situation and previous ones, the times in between were VERY happy, which is what makes this so damn difficult. I am not with him for social reasons - he's the only one who stuck with me during my depression where my "friends" deserted me. And I DO make issues bigger than they are sometimes, and complain a lot, which is why it gets irritating for him and I don't know for sure if this will sound like that to him or not. He is NOT a bad person or a "cesspool" so please stop assuming he is. He's not the socially brightest person, but far from a bad person.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 August 2009):
 This is a wonderful guy?
This girls is why reading skills are so important. Learn the difference between a cesspool and the datingpool.
Really, read your own post, you describe a guy who is either completely socially inept or in the closet.
"I feel horribly alone now, and invaluable and cannot discuss it much with him because he gets highly irritated when I "complain" too much"
So, what is the difference with being alone for real?
It has been two years, and there has been no improvement. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?
What do you think gives the greatest chance for improvement? Being alone and miserable or being with him and miserable?
You might be afraid of being alone and you say you have no friends.
Ask yourself, why is this? Is your relationship with him an issue with your lack of a social circle?
He ignores you except for when you are about to escape. That ain't love, that is control.
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A
female
reader, allovertheboardgirl +, writes (27 August 2009):
hmmm i personally don't like his indecisveness about you... BUT i don't think you should end it on the basis of what he said about your shaved head. if you were to end it, it should be because he is indecisive about you and your relationship, not because of a random comment he made.
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