A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiPlease could somebody help??!!I have been married for 12 years and have 2 lovely children.I have been unhappy in my marriage for many years and reached breaking point a few months ago and told my husband I don't love him anymore and want to separate.He refuses to leave, even on a temporary basis as he says that he really loves me and can't live without me - I know the real reason is that he is more worried about what his friends and family will say.I can't bear to even speak to him as it feels like he doesn't love or respect me enough to even have a trial separation so I can work out in my head what I want.He has always favoured his family over me and I have always felt second in his life throughout our whole married life, he says that he will do everything to make me happy but I know in order to do this - he will not be himself and get fed up and things will go back to normal after I have given him another chance.Lately he has accused me of being with someone else and has gone through my stuff and I caught him going through my mobile phone and voicemails - when I confronted him, he didn't have an answer.I have spoken to my children (aged 7 and 9), they do get upset about it, but what do I do, do I stay with him for the sake of the children, or is it selfish to leave for my own happiness?I feel so angry, frustrated and trapped - Please Help!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 I wouldn't like to be on your shoes. This is a tough situation. I'm happy to see that you are a thoughtful person by feeling concerned about the children first.
Divorce always affects children. Even grown-up children need to adjust to a new situation. Mom and Dad aren't together anymore, and that bring changes. The big question is how it will affect children, and whether the good will offset the bad, or vice versa. I believe that it depends on the circumstances at home.
You make no special reference to what your married life is like. Maybe you mention his putting his family first because you feel he doesn't love you, really, and he wants to keep you only because he wants a facade. It might well be so. I could tell you that working things out is always best, but I'm sure you already know that. You want to know what to do on the basis that you won't be able to reconcile with him.
If the atmosphere at home becomes noxious, I would suggest you divorce. No child wants to live with parents who scream at each other, obviously don't love each other, have lovers on the side, sometimes won't come home at night, et cetera.
Sometimes parents try to hide what is going on, and children detect it. The home becomes a pressure-cooker, and children would rather have their parents divorce than staying with them at home. I saw this happen with a friend of mine.
If you are going to stay with him, you need to keep your composure. You need to live as if you were a happy family. In a self-denying manner.
Staying at home for the children has some downsides.
For example, your children might never perceive what was going on, and might never appreciate your staying at home for them. This will be a sacrifice that no one will commend you for, or even acknowledge. You need to make sure you don't blame your children for staying, or expect them to do things in return for you. You won't have the right to complain that you wasted your life and your children left anyways, to live their own lives.
Your husband will surely complain, and perhaps he will find someone on the side. He might demand that you "release" him. Unless you can work as a happy family, there's no assurance that he won't seek affection anywhere else; or that he won't decide to divorce you; or that you won't find someone else, either.
When your children leave, you'll be 46-47, at least. I'm supposing you won't have any other children, and the last one will leave when s/he's 18; that is, 11 years from now. Unless you have been able to work things out with your husband, you'll be desperate for having a life of your own. Can you wait until then?
That said, you just have to look at the children raised in stable families, and the children raised by a single mother, or a divorced father, to see who is better adjusted to society. So many children of divorced families claim they grew up "just fine", but, many of them really can't judge; they don't really know what their life would have been if their parents had stayed together.
If you divorce, maybe the kids will not see his father much. This will surely affect them, particularly if they are boys. There are some things a woman can't really teach a boy. Are you sure your husband would be there for your children if you two divorced?
In short, my opinion is, if you can't offer your children a home, a place where they will grow free and happy, it's best that you divorce. If you divorce, it's best to work something out with your husband. But, either way will be difficult for all of you.
I hope I've helped you. I wish I could tell you exactly what to do.
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 There are many things to think about here. It sounds as if the main reason you want to leave is because he places his family first above you. When people marry, they always say you marry the family to...he just took it to the extreme is what it sounds like.
My ex was always around his family. It was like every weekend we had to be there for something and if you weren't, you were "looked" at. I used to call them the Partridge Family because all of them sang. ALL of them! It used to get on my nerves BAD! It was ok for awhile, BUT! I felt like WE had no life...it was always about "them". My family was always forgotten because WE had to be at all their functions...there was no such thing as "sharing".
Our breakup was not because of this, he was an alcoholic and of course many, many other reasons. But, a part of me says that I can relate. You want your own life with him and to share with your kids and yes, the "occasional" whatever with his family, your family and your own life with just you, him and the kids. Some people are VERY family oriented, and some are not. This is something that you will need to talk to him about...and literally straighten out and let him know how you feel about it. You either can compromise and stick to it or not. I do feel for the kids, yes. And the only thing I can say is...you should do what is best for you. I'm not for divorce, but I'm not against it either. I feel you should do all what you can, however, if the "all" cannot happen, I would not want to be in an unhappy home nor show that to my children. The fighting starts happening in front of them because you are not happy and they see that. Do you not think they would not want you happy? They will be not only upset, they will be hurt, they will think it's their fault you two divorced...so much goes in their little heads. What's most important, is if you do divorce, make sure you BOTH sit down and talk to them and let them know NOTHING was their fault and that both of you love them more then anything and that you both will always be there for them. THAT is what is important. People can be married and live a wonderful "so called life", but when they show no love or support to their children or are not involved in their life...that is what screws them up!!!! THAT is what kids remember.
If all fails, remember you can take some time away from him. No one said HE had to leave, maybe you could with the kids? Just a thought.
I hope all works out for you no matter what you decide to do. But do try to think positive each morning and not negative with a dreading day...that might help you in starting your day and being around him.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Hi,
It really does sound like you are in a terrible position.
I believe the children should always come first , but having said that if the mental wellbeing of their mother is affected this doesnt mean that staying in the marriage is the best option.
Have you exhausted all options regarding rebuilding your relationship with your husband? Or is it simply a case of you have grown apart.You say he always puts his family first. In what way? Does he have domineering interferring parents who always stick their noses into your affairs?
Your husband sounds rather weak, he lets his family rule his life, he cant live without you etc...His neglect of you is damaging your ability to trust him to change. Is it really a hopeless case and not worthy of another chance?
In any event, if you leave he will not put up quietly by the sounds of it. You will probably have a custody battle on your hands ( perhaps he has been rummaging around in your personals for proof? )and the children will be devastated by the conflict between their parents.
All I can say is if it gets to this remember the kids you grew up with who got so upset when their divorced parents said mean things about each other. Please dont be one of these, your kids should not be dragged into this, no matter what happens you should refer to each other at worst in neutral terms.
Good luck, and I really hope it works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): god your post took me back to around 8 yrs ago. i always wanted my kids now 13 and 12 to grow up in a happy home i wanted the best for them and even when the best didnt seem suitable i tried with all my heart to make the marriage work. you seem just like me you have to do the best for your kids i know it seems like spliting with thier dad is the best now. i hope that you have prepared them for what might happen . even if mommy and daddy dont get along there are things he may have done for your kids like make breakfast make thier packed lunches for school given them a bed time bath or read them a story. you need to prepare your kids that daddy might not be around and ask them if there is anything that they will miss by him not being there,then you need to talk in depth to your partner is there anything you can put right is there anything councelling can help you with is there anywhere else you can turn too. if your involved with a church is there anything they can do its no good giving up if it can be salvaged. if it cant you have to go your own ways for the sake of the kids but please please remember the kids and if all else fails dont fight you have the kids
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): If you are having problems with this person you shouldn't have to stay with them. Talking to your children about how you feel is a good thing. Make them understand that is not there fault. Children of that age will think you are breaking up because of them and will make them more unhappy. Get them to choose where they want to be. Will you or there father but dont be offended work out a way they can spend time with both sides.
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