A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue a few weeks ago and my mind is reeling. We are both teachers, and he signed on to do a lot of extra activities this year (and got suckered into a few more). He got in way over his head without intending to and was completely burning himself out, and I know there is no way for him to get out of the situation he is in. Before school started everything was fine. He loved me, and told me he wanted to move in. I figured maybe over Christmas break when we had free time. Things were pretty perfect. Then school started and everything went out of control. He tried to make time for me, but I felt him growing distant and got upset. After three weeks he came over here and told me that he loves me, but doesn't have time for a relationship right now, that this is the first job he ever had that made him really happy and he needs to make it his priority (he is new to this career. I am not). I know he is really busy and has very little free time (he teaches, takes 2 classes, and got suckered into coaching football) and I know there isn't another woman. He e-mailed me a few times just to see how I was, but made no indication that anything has changed. Do you think he will come back? What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I'm the one who posted the question, and I am very interested in the first response. I appreciate your ideas, but that's not quite the case. We were together 9 months and I've always been the more independent one. I always had my own interests and activities. Depending on someone else for your happiness isn't healthy. I would actually push him from time to time to spend more time with his friends. I'm not really the clingy type, and he is definately not emotionally distant. He was always the more loving optimistic one, planning for the future. I was always the cautious one, what's the rush? It took him 6 months just to bring me around to his point of view. Not that I was distant. I would talk about the future, but I always figured we could take our time. He has been engaged twice, and got his heart broken both times. He tends to rush things a little, I tend to go slower. We sort of met in the middle, which was good for both of us. That's why its so hard for me to understand this situation. I admit that I did get upset when school started, and I wanted to know what was wrong. When something bothers me, I'm not good at sitting on it. I don't play games, I am honest, I say how I feel, and try to work things out. I tried to explain what I needed (once in tears, admittedly), that he needed to let me know he loved me and missed me. He told me he did, but couldn't create more time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): You don't say how long have you two been together... I know I'm the kind of person who totally gets sucked in the goals that I'm trying to pursue and nobody on Earth is more important than my goals because if I don't achieve them How am I supposed to be a good partner to anybody if I'm not fulfilled? So I understand the guy in that part.
But on the other hand if you two haven't been together for a long time he might be getting into a lot of stuff so he would unconsciously avoid intimacy because he feels uncomfortable with it.
You have to understand that these kind of men are naturally workaholics and they will always have an excuse to avoid getting closer to you as a defense mechanism.
I don't know evaluate yourself. Are you too clingy? Dear I just can't help but noticing something that you wrote that is very interesting: "Then school started and everything went out of control" Your control? That's the way my mother speaks and I've learned through a lot of reading that that's something only co-dependents say. Also my bachelor's and master's in psychology help too. Although I'm not making any diagnostics. She (my mother) wants to have control of everybody in the family and she doesn't notice it. Maybe that's the way you are but don't know it yet.
I suggest reading a little about controling relationships, codependent behavior and emotionally unavailable men. And if you find something interesting there well you know what to do, work to fix it and to prevent commiting the same mistakes with or other guys (or this guy if he ever comes back)
Anyway, I know you might feel devastated by your ex's sudden change but you should release him and let him pursue his dreams. You should write down on paper your feelings and thoughts about the relationship and maybe contact him to talk a little about the way you feel so you can get some clousure. You can't live the best years of your life waiting for someone to come back and just hoping. You should move on also. You can't beg him or talk him out of his decision. He already got engaged with his aspirations and you are not included in them. He seems fulfilled by them. And the truth is he doesn't need you. It's the harsh truth.
Try to forget him and try to focus on your own interests. I know it won't be easy. You can't change your feelings for him as he did with his feelings towards you. But that's the only thing you can do.
P.S. "If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was yours already, but if it doesn't, it never was".
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 I'm sorry to say but he sounds like a real bastard.
I used to be a high school teacher, but the busiest time was during my teacher training. I would get up at 5am , do lesson plans for 2 hours then go to school, teach all day , come home, do essays and assignments for the college , more lessons plans and then fall asleep around 12am. On the weekends I worked 10 hour days. But I was in a relationship the whole time.
I'm sorry, but your ex boyfriend's excuse just does'nt wash, he is giving his new career priority over his relationship; in my books this is behaviour you see more with your $500,000 a year selfish dickhead investment banker than a teacher.
As a fellow teacher he should be using you for support - someone who can help him out - not discarding you.
Hopefully you can meet someone who is a bit less self indulgent ( dont be surprised if you find someone else that this guy suddenly turn's back up on your doorstep)
Good luck! You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (10 October 2007):
He might come back but do you want to wait for a maybe?
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