A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 35, separated (after 13 years of marriage) and have no children. I have wanted to change career for years and have just taken the plunge now to start on a degree course as I regretted not doing a degree in my late teens / early twenties - many people thought I was crazy not to keep my stable well paid but incredibly stressful job. Over the last 18 months I have seen a guy who I fell in love with but I knew that he wanted to emigrate. It affected our relationship (and my esteem) as I was torn between love and knowing it would come to an ultimatum. He has now emigrated and wants me there. I feel like its such a bit commitment and I've not had enough time for our relationship to evolve. I feel that at my age and without children I have run out of time to make any more mistakes and I'm still reeling from the abuse in my marriage. This whole dilemma is killing me and I have become very depressed with life. I have lost touch with friends and am living somewhere I dislike because its cheap. The dreams I had 15 years ago are gone and I've stopped making an effort with my appearance since my boyfriend left for Australia. I just don't know what to do for the best. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): You have quite a lot to sort out before thinking about emigrating! Stay in touch with this man by all means, maybe even save some money so you can buy a return airfare ticket to go visit.Meantime, you need to get on top of your depression and begin the process of healing from the hurt and abuse that occurred in your marriage. I encourage you to get back in touch with your friends and arrange a few lunches or evenings out, or at least phone calls.I understand your boyfriend wants you to join him, yet I hope he would be understanding of your situation and the issues you are trying to deal with, and would not put pressure on you. Its important that you not allow yourself to be pushed into making a hasty decision! Especially since you say there has not been enough time for your relationship to evolve before making such a big commitment.You mentioned being separated. This means that if you really want to tie up loose ends regarding your husband, you need to not only be separated, but divorced. That, in and of itself, is a very good reason not to rush to emigrate! VISIT your boyfriend yes, but then return home to continue your healing and everything before thinking about another commitment.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Life is all about taking risks, and in taking a few risks, and following your heart you may make a few mistakes. Oh well. Think about the journey. If you are in love with this guy, I'd move with him in a heart beat. What an awesome experience this could be for you - and a new start. You can still pursue your degree, find a great job and enjoy the "great adventure" of living somewhere completely different. If the relationship doesn't work out, you'll still know you were brave enough to take this risk and that will make you feel alive for a long time to come! Whatever you do, do NOT let your fears choke out your chance for adventure. There's a song by Incubus called "Drive" and it talks about not letting your fears take the wheel and drive (your life) and that you should be the one behind the wheel. "Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes..." It's a great song. By the way, why haven't you filed for divorce yet?....
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (6 July 2007):
Hi,
This is a biggy isn’t it? Lots going on at the moment. I think the most important thing that I read from your question is that you seem to be spiralling down into a mild depression. This isn’t a state from which you can make such a huge decision, so best leave that on one side for the moment. Can you get back in touch with one or a few of your friends, and get some support? Maybe go out with friends that don’t need to spend too much money to enjoy themselves? If you can’t dig yourself out of this pit with help from friends or family, then see your GP. I’m not saying you have gone bonkers, but you might need some help to get you firing on all cylinders again.
Then when you are feeling more confident, you need to think about the guy and Australia. No one can tell you what to do about such a big decision. I think that being 35 wouldn’t be a reason to stay. If it’s what you want, it’s a reason to go because choices tend to lessen as we get older. After all there are other men out there as well as here. What I am saying is, if it didn’t work out (I hope it does), it’s not as if you have gone to live on a desert island with him. You could make a fantastic life either with him, or with another man, or just with lots of great friends, same as you could here. Easy for me to say, wow! how exciting, of course go, because it isn’t me. Do you love him still? Can you see yourself spending your life with him if he was living here instead? Would you be leaving behind family that you really couldn’t bear to leave? Would you consider going to Australia given the chance, regardless of love-interests?
I think your degree is secondary because you can get an education in Australia as well as here. One degree course isn’t the be-all and end-all of life.
If it was me, I would err on the side of bravery (emigration), because you have just the one life, and this is an opportunity that not everyone gets. But it isn’t me.
First, get yourself sorted out and happy, then you can make scary choices.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 First, I would like to talk about mistakes. I agree you don't have time left for them. However, I'm sure you know no one can really expect not to make mistakes ever. So, I think you should approach this situation trying to make the best decision, and then accepting the facts if it turns out to be another mistake. In case I don't make myself understood, just do your best.
As to depression, I know how it is, but I don't think you should neglect yourself. It does no good, you see. Wearing soiled clothing (sorry if you don't do this) doesn't solve anything at all. Once I was so depressed I didn't want to eat. Well, a hot-dog tasted wonderful when I finally had one.
An important point here is that you don't feel your relationship has had time to evolve. This is a perfectly correct reason not to emigrate, even if you love this man so much and he loves you. Such important steps such as emigrating must be taken only after careful consideration. So, your decision to stay seems perfectly justified to me. And it would seem so even if you were not depressed and unhappy, and you were 21 and had lots of time for mistakes.
If I were you, I would keep contact with this person and try to see where the relationship could go. Maybe that would give you the time to make a decision with more information at hand. I suppose you can sustain a long distance relationship for a while. Many people do this before they actually travel to live with someone.
I have another advice for you. Your marriage is in the past. I know some things seem to hurt forever, but I think you should try to live the new things that come your way without the burden of past mistakes. There's a song that goes like "a fool will lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday". Not that I believe you're a fool; I understand how you feel. I just want to make a point: there's no use in reliving the pain and not fully enjoying the good things that come your way.
I see your current situation as a whole world of wonderful chances. "Chance" is the key word here. Take a chance on chances, dear. You are free to try new things, and breathe fresh air. You might make mistakes, yes, but only those that will make you happy. I like a Spanish song that goes like this: "Nothing was a mistake". It's about two people in love who made a mess of their lives, yet they find that the mess made them happy. "I wanted this to happen, and you, you let it happen, too". So, "nothing was a mistake". Why don't you make this approach yours? I'm not sure if you can, but I would many adventures in mind if I were you.
Hope this helps.
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