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writes:Help! I have been married for 25 years. Have 2 children. 6 and 9. For most of my marriage, my husband has refused to touch me. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but turns out, he is very messed up sexually, and we've just started going to counselling because he is afraid I'm leaving. For a long time I have felt that I would rather be alone than be so lonely with him, but we are good friends and I don't want to hurt him. He has major control issues, and has denied me many many things and mostly love from him. I am just understanding this, and have been ready to walk for a while. Here's the kicker. I WAS Not looking for this, but I have fallen head over heels deeply in love with another man. We are so very connected. I am in so much pain because of course I don't want to hurt Anyone, but do I stay in this marriage just for the sake of the children? I have been so very lonely for so long, and this new man worships me. He loves me too. I want to be with him. And I don't want to hurt my husband. Can I have both? Reply to this Question
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reader, rcn +, writes (25 October 2007):
 If you're not a wuss, and in pain, then deal with the pain. Your comment "I feel like I am DRUGGED from love with him." Are these feelings really real, or is he your drug to cover up and "hide" from reality?
All though he's willing to go to counseling now, I think you should have been going since you noticed all this was being held in.
Here is the truth, and sometimes I get sort of harsh when explaining. You WILL NOT have a happy relationship, or be able to be the best parent you can be, until you've dealt with the pain, love yourself, live for yourself, and respect yourself. There is NO MAN that has any capability to make you happy. If you go into a relationship not happy, you'll leave not happy because relationships such as the one you described are relationships used to fulfill a need, or a void. They very very seldom work.
As long as you use outside means to try to gain happiness, your doing a great injustice to yourself and those you involve yourself with. I urge you to seek help with this and learn to be happy for yourself. You'll notice by your children, you're not going to be the only one who benefits by it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Hi, reading your last post, I think you are going through a deep depression over the loss of your mother, because of this, I don't think you should think about making any major life changes like leaving your husband for about a year....you need time to grieve, and you are not thinking clearly about your marriage....you ARE in pain....and you are distracting yourself from it by feeling drunk in love with this guy who is at a distance....he is all about fantasy, not the drudgery of every day life that a marriage is involved with: bills, kids, who picked up the dry cleaning and so on......
Sometimes with a work relationship/romance, if you take away the common bond of projects and shared work, the relationship falters and loses it's spark, you don't have that in common anymore, and the whole chemistry changes....he is long distance and that is simply easier than a relationship that you are in every day....
I hope you get some counseling and speak to your doctor about your depression, medication may help you, take the edge off your black moods and make you feel more like yourself....there is no shame in asking or admitting that you need some help to come out on the other side of a depression....I wish you happiness on the other side, but it is going to take some hard work on your part to process all of the emotions you are going through.
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female
reader, mlb +, writes (25 October 2007):
mlb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone giving me their honest heartfelt answers. Anyone asking a question here of course doesn't know where else to turn, so I appreciate the kindness of some of these answers here. To clarify my situation further: I have had 3 deaths in my family over the past year. One was my mother. The connection is this: when we are in deep grief, many emotions are very close to the surface. And many emotions that I was able to hide and push away for so many years when I got no response from my husband to very direct communication on my part - those negative emotions that I had for so long, I am no longer able to push them aside. I am not a wuss. I am in pain. I appreciate that it seems like I want too much. I have not had sex with this new love. I feel like I am drugged from love with him. I have never ever felt this way before. I am trying to figure this out. Of course the children have to come first. But honestly, if I didn't have the children, I think I would be gone. I am just waking up after such a long time, and I have the deep grief to thank for that. Or maybe I've just lost my mind. Yes, depression and anxiety are my constant companions. I am so worried about this I cannot sleep. I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks and I didn't want to. So thank you all for your answers.
one thing is that this other man lives in another city. I go there on business occasionally, and we are working on a business project together. So we email and talk on the phone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): going under the assumption that you only live once, put yourself forward, when you are say...80....if you look back on your life will you regret living your life without passion? what makes YOU happy? everyone is entitled to seek their own happiness, your husband hasn't been concerned with your happiness because it is your responsibility. and BTW, your children will learn the art of living happily from you so set a good example whichever course you take in life.
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reader, Collaroy  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 Hi,
I can understand it must be very painful for you now. Having no physical connection with your husband must be very hard for you. However I'm a bit perplexed as to why it has taken 25 years for you to start confronting this issue?
For one, you have your children to think of. I'm not a believer that a couple should stay together just for the children as a firm rule, as I used to hate it as a kid visiting my friend's house - his parents hated each other and it was a horrible environment to be around. Having said that, picking up with this new flame would be potentially very damaging to your children. Your husband doesn't want to split up and your kids will be aware of this. Would this new guy be prepared to put in the effort to make your kids accept him? It would require a lot of time to bring them around ( and they may never accept him )
I just think you need to take a step back and reassess the situation. Your husband is into counselling - that's a huge step forward. As long as his being "messed up sexually" doesnt mean he is gay( does it? ) then you could even reconnect physically with time.
You are in the throes of excitement that comes with having a man interested in you, but I ask you to be very careful. For the sake of your young children you have to assess whether this romantic interest is the type who would stick around during the tough times. Right now I imagine you are doing things in secret and the pressures of family life are not involved in this new relationship.
I dont want to detract from your pain at being in a loveless marriage for 25 years, but having said that it has come this far, you are in counselling, I think its worth seeing what comes out of this.If your kids were older it might be easier for you but they are at a very impressionable age and if you decide to leave their father it will have a very negative effect on them. That is something only you can decide whether it's worth it or not.
All the best
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (23 October 2007):
 If he thought you were leaving and he started counseling he must not want you to leave. Think about it. He may love you even though he never said it. Men have different ways to show their love. Many men think they show it in how they provide for their family. Some think they show it by being a stable part of the relationship. Some don't connect to the sexual part as showing love. Sometimes sex is viewd as a need or desire. Making love is a connection from the heart.
If for some reason he doesn't make that connection is it not fair to see if you can find out what it is and see if this can be corrected? He is in counseling so try to wait it out a bit and try to save your marriage. There is an old saying that "the Grass is greener on the other side of the fence" but shortly after my husband left me for another woman my 14 year old daughter pointed out...."just wait til he gets there and finds out it's artificial turf'!
With him you already know where you stand. With this new man God only knows what will come out of the relationship. You might find out that he is no better or quiet possibly even worse than your husband. And the head over heels feeling you have could be comming from the fact that you are lonely and longing to feel loved.
Instead of focusing on the connection you feel with the new man, why not take the time to reconnect with your husband. Go back to when you were first in love. Before the children, before all the pain. Look deep into yourself and realize you can't base your happiness upon any man. It has to start within you.
As far as the control issue, make sure that it is addressed in the couseling sessions. Back off from the new love interest until you and your husband have had time to try and work things out. Don't rush into anything.
You loneliness may have already spawned depression and that can be another issue you will have to deal with. Please remember the children first and what is best overall for them. I think you will come to terms with what you are facing thus making you more equiupped to make your decison.
Peace to you and God bless you and your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): Hi, I am wondering at what point in your marriage or relationship your husband stopped touching you, has this been going on since you met?
I think you are cheating yourself and your family to go outside your marriage, turn your focus away from dealing with your unhappiness and marital problems and go looking for attention elsewhere....no wonder your husband is freezing up, I think he knows you don't love him....I know I would know if I had been intimately involved with someone 20 plus years...he is afraid to confront you, fearing you will leave him and change his life as he knows it. ONe of men's greatest fears is that their wife will leave them, take his children and ruin him financially...so far you are one step fulfilling his deepest fears.
It isn't fair to say you have just started counseling and decide that you don't want to give it a go, because you have wanted to leave for a long time. Should you stay for the sake of the children? How about you try hard enough until.....how about you try to make your decision to marry him and have his children right, ....how about you try everything possible to renew your relationship and repair what ever is not working before you go off cheating with another man?:
By the way, it is proven in psychological research, that a relationship that is begun in infidelity (your new man) has less than a 1% chance of surviving one year after the divorce of your marriage....do you really think that your love is so great that you will beat these odds, where are you going to be when you are sitting on the curb, without your 20 year history with your family and without your new man who is not much more than a fling gone wrong?
Hell yes, you should stay for the kids, until you no longer have any excuses, but reasons for the divorce....as long as you are turning away from your spouse instead of towards him you can never hope to have what you want in this marriage....you gotta do the work....some people would give their left arm for what you are thinking of throwing away.....start communicating....and see what happens.
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reader, rcn +, writes (23 October 2007):
Can you have both? What kind of selfish question is that? You have children and want them to learn that sort of behavior. "Sure mom with my spouse tonight, but got one on the side, you must be so proud since you taught me that behavior." Then they get caught cheating "Gee mom, I don't know why the judge felt it in the kids best interest to have my ex raise them, something about my behavior not being a good influence on children."
Being in this relationship, you have issues that need dealt with as well. Going into a new relationship, if you called it quits, your setting it up for failure as well. Leaving a lonely relationship, you're not prepared for a new one until you've completely dealt with the issues you developed from the last one.
At least he's willing to go to counseling to work on things. That's much more than I'd say about many people. Personally I think you're a wuss giving up before seeing how counseling may help out. You're kids suffer if you make the wrong decision as well. Make sure you choose correctly, if you don't make sure you have counseling set up for the kids.
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