A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Years ago, as a child I began to develop feelings for a boy in my grandparents' home town. By the time I was 19 I fell in love with him and we secretly dated (my parents have always been very old fashioned and I never had a boyfriend so I was scared to tell them anything) when they heard the rumors they cornered me and told me they couldn't believe I would be with him as he came from a "bad" family (even though my mom grew up as friends with his dad and still visits them when she is in town) she pretty much said he wasn't good enough for me. I denied everything and ended up breaking it off with him. The year after we secretly dated I flew back out to my grandmas and he was dating my 2nd cousin, she is the loose type and she told him he was not to speak with me so I avoided him until the week before I went back home. He would text me to say he wanted me back and I kept reminding him he was not single anymore. We finally spoke and he wanted me to move over and get married but I told him I couldn't do that as I was already in college and would not throw it away when he didn't even finish highschool and didn't look like he was working for a better future. That was the last time I spoke with him. When I left for home that summer I cried like I've never cried in my life, I felt my eyes would pop out of my head from how upset I was. A few months later I met a nice guy in school, we became friends. He asked me out as friends and I agreed. I had a nice time and felt we had a lot in common based on our upbringing and immediately thought this is the type of man my parents would love for me. So I gave him a chance, I didn't fall in love with him but I became comfortable around him and my parents loved him. After a year of dating him I felt I cared about him so I thought I loved him. A year later he proposed and I said yes (he did this in front of both our families) so I said yes thinking this has to be the next step. I had been thinking already I wanted out but felt too much time had passed and I would dissapoint so many people, especially my parents. I thought of calling off the wedding but felt bad that do many people had spent so much money and maybe I was just having cold feet. We have now been married for a year and I have admitted to myself that I am not in love with him, but I do care about him. About a month before our anniversary he confronted me about my being different with him, I told him about not feeling in love. What I didn't tell him is that about a month after the wedding I really really began to think about my first love. I think about him so much, I feel I love him still. I hadn't seen him in 5 years and no one would mention him in front of me. I told my husband everything that bothers me about him and he has really been working at everything, I know he truly wants this to work but I am still on the fence. My grandma passed away last month so I went back to her home town where I saw my first love for the first time in 5 years. I felt an amazing rush of feelings and the same magnetic pull towards him but we both just froze and stared at each other until he turned and drove away. Neither said a word. I came home feeling worse. I have no idea what this guy is doing with his life and no one will talk to me about him, I don't know if he has asked them to or if they are just trying to keep me away from him. All I know is now I don't know what to do, this is so unfair for my husband and he wants to stay together even if I never learn to be in love with him. He is really pushing to have a baby too. And I too have a big desire to have a kid but I don't know if that would be a good idea. But then again we could be locked in this situation for a long time and I don't want to wait too long to have kids, I am already 25 and everyone is really pressuring us to have kids. I don't know what to do....do I stay and live a perfect life with someone I don't love but is good to me? Or do I risk having to struggle in life in order to have another chance at love? I don't deserve my husband but do I deserve to be truly happy, is that even a possibility?
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female
reader, hpinedo0 +, writes (12 February 2011):
get out get out get out, i too was in love with someone else when i got together with the man im with now but i thought that maybe it would be best to just let go of love and settle for something that could be ok turns out im still in love with the other guy and i dont feel the passion for this new guy that i ever felt for the old guy. i thought so many times well i just hang on a little bit longer and deep down inside i new i should leave. well i just found out im pregnant with the new guy ive been with for two years and now i feel so stuck and lost unhappy and sad. i love the other guy but i having a baby with this new guy and i am so unhappy i wish i would have left when i first thought to leave. the old guy calls and we talk but the new guy has been a burden keeping us apart and i didnt want to hurt the new guy but know im hurting and unhappy with a baby on the way with the wrong guyleave before its to late staying with ur husband could cause regreat which turns into anger and dissapointment
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): My answer might be a bit different than the others. I think long down the road you will regret it if you leave your husband for your first love. Your first love sounds like an immature and irresponsible person. On the other hand, your husband seems to really love you and I have a feeling even though he might not make you feel fireworks, he'll always be there for you even when things get rough. You're still 25, though, which is very young, so you might be able to find somebody who loves you and whom you love equally. I just don't think that person is your first love, in fact he sounds like somebody who'll leave you at the first signs of trouble.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj - you are not being harsh, I think you are totally right... about everything. I also think I'm leaning more towards leaving. It's just so hard to do. I guess I just need to accept it and do something about it. He keeps telling me I havnt given us a chance, but isn't 4 and 1/2 years having given us a chance?? I am reluctant to talk to anyone abt this, hence my post here, I just wish I could ask someone who knows me well so they can reassure me everything will be ok, I wish I heard your words from someone who was close to me. Thank you for your answer, it really has helped me feel less like a monster and more like I should accept life and what comes with it. I hope you find love and I hope the one you get to love will love you back the same way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj - you are not being harsh, I think you are totally right... about everything. I also think I'm leaning more towards leaving. It's just so hard to do. I guess I just need to accept it and do something about it. He keeps telling me I havnt given us a chance, but isn't 4 and 1/2 years having given us a chance?? I am reluctant to talk to anyone abt this, hence my post here, I just wish I could ask someone who knows me well so they can reassure me everything will be ok, I wish I heard your words from someone who was close to me. Thank you for your answer, it really has helped me feel less like a monster and more like I should accept life and what comes with it. I hope you find love and I hope the one you get to love will love you back the same way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj - you are not being harsh, I think you are totally right... about everything. I also think I'm leaning more towards leaving. It's just so hard to do. I guess I just need to accept it and do something about it. He keeps telling me I havnt given us a chance, but isn't 4 and 1/2 years having given us a chance?? I am reluctant to talk to anyone abt this, hence my post here, I just wish I could ask someone who knows me well so they can reassure me everything will be ok, I wish I heard your words from someone who was close to me. Thank you for your answer, it really has helped me feel less like a monster and more like I should accept life and what comes with it. I hope you find love and I hope the one you get to love will love you back the same way.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 "Jmtmj- I wish so bad it were easy to pick up and leave and not care who i hurt and also what if I leave and end up alone and more unhappy? I'm very scared of the future, I know I need to grow up but I need to get the guts to do it. I don't know how....I've always taken the safe route."
You do realize that already you're making excuses to keep passively playing along and digging yourself further in. If you did decide to have a baby, do you not think that you'll be back here on this site in a year or two?? These feelings will resurface over and over again... you can push them deep down again, sure, but by then it'll be SOO much harder to do anything about it and you'll have a million more excuses not to.
Of course you're scared of the future... everybody is at some point in their life but you CAN get over that. I'm 27 and haven't found "the one", I'm not currently in a relationship... am I afraid that I'll never find someone to love, get married and have kids with?? Hell no! I'm 27 for god sake. You're ONLY 25!! People fall in love in their 50's, 60's and beyond! Surely you can't think so little of yourself that you think that in the next 25 years you couldn't fall in love with someone else and be extremely happy? You absolutely can!!
We live to love. This is as close to the meaning of life as you can get in my opinion... Why make excuses as to why you can't experience it? Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh, but I'm a bit passionate about this kinda thing... girls who don't stand up for themselves and suppress their feelings for the sake of pleasing others...
It just seems utterly ridiculous to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj- I wish so bad it were easy to pick up and leave and not care who i hurt and also what if I leave and end up alone and more unhappy? I'm very scared of the future, I know I need to grow up but I need to get the guts to do it. I don't know how....I've always taken the safe route.
Nathen- the reason I am still in this is exactly what you are describing and yes I would love to contact my ex bc I am very curious to know what he is up to and if he still has feelings for me too...I know it's horrible but it would be so much easier to leave if I knew what to expect. I feel selfish for thinking that way bc it is really unfair to my husband. I AM digging myself deeper and deeper and it sucks, I can't help but feel bad that I am hurting so many people but I also feel like jmtmj is right and I also deserve to do something for myself and not for others. Then again, would I really feel better about anything if I end up hurting so many people...this is so frustrating, I've even began to lose my hair and I'm a 25yo woman.
If I were to leave him, should I tell him about my feelings for my ex? He just has so much hope that this could be fixed and says he will never give up...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj- I wish so bad it were easy to pick up and leave and not care who i hurt and also what if I leave and end up alone and more unhappy? I'm very scared of the future, I know I need to grow up but I need to get the guts to do it. I don't know how....I've always taken the safe route.
Nathen- the reason I am still in this is exactly what you are describing and yes I would love to contact my ex bc I am very curious to know what he is up to and if he still has feelings for me too...I know it's horrible but it would be so much easier to leave if I knew what to expect. I feel selfish for thinking that way bc it is really unfair to my husband. I AM digging myself deeper and deeper and it sucks, I can't help but feel bad that I am hurting so many people but I also feel like jmtmj is right and I also deserve to do something for myself and not for others. Then again, would I really feel better about anything if I end up hurting so many people...this is so frustrating, I've even began to lose my hair and I'm a 25yo woman.
If I were to leave him, should I tell him about my feelings for my ex? He just has so much hope that this could be fixed and says he will never give up...
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (22 September 2010):
Well... that sucks, what an awful situation to be in.
This is what happens when you deny your feelings when it comes to decision making... Its good not to be entirely controlled by your emotions- but you certainly shouldn't ignore them!! You've cared too much about what other people think, what your parents think, what your now husband thinks, basically what you think that society thinks you should do.
Now suddenly you've found that even though you had plenty of chances to get out, you chose to dig yourself in further every time... not because you wanted to, but because it "seemed like the logical next step", or "it didn't seem fair to somebody else".
You're now facing another one of those decisions which you need to make by taking your emotions into account. Having a baby with someone is a big deal!! If you have a baby with somebody you've never loved... that's not just digging yourself further in... that's digging yourself to china. Seriously think of the amount of excuses that you could find to stay with someone you don't love "for the kids sake". Eighteen years with someone you don't love... that's a serious possibility for you if you do this.
So really ask yourself- whilst facing this major decision...
"What do YOU want??!!"
This is YOUR freakin' life, not your parents, not your husbands, YOURS!
If you want to live your life and not have fun or deny yourself from experiencing "love", then essentially you're just running out the clock in my opinion. That's not a life that I'd want to live.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): You need to be happy! If you are in a relationship then you will meet the one you are suppose to be with. You are only here once on this planet, enjoy it x
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