A
male
age
41-50,
*w80
writes:Dear agony aunts and uncles,Can you give me some advice? I'd appreciate any thoughts on this.I have been seeing a great girl for about 4 months. She and I have had a passionate and very lovely time together, I would say we were a great team in almost every way and she told me I made her happy and she enjoyed being with me. Yet, two days ago she told me she shouldn't see me anymore. It wasn't the first time she'd done this. On one or two occasions she'd initiated a chat where she said she "wasn't ready for a relationship", "didn't know if she could be what I expect a girlfriend to be", dismaying things like that. However the day after she said these things she'd always be back, and I thought with each time she was getting closer to me and we were moving forward. Especially of late, we were really close and things looked really great. I was actually starting to relax.Well, it seems that was premature. Two days ago she said this time she would "be strong" and not come back. There was no rancour, no bitterness on either side, but I am still grieving for the loss of someone I cared for so very much. I don't see why it had to end and I feel it's a great pity. Since she left I haven't called her or made any contact, I thought space was the best policy. I think she needs to work out whether she values what we had/have or not. I saw her tonight (we work together) and she gave me a warm smile and I tried my best to look jaunty and carefree so she wouldn't think I had gone to pieces. Hope it worked!I love this woman very much, and I feel that I still want to work at this. The question is, is it worth it? She's obviously got some issue with settling into a relationship (she actually described herself as feeling "very comfortable" in ours as though that were a major negative) and she clearly doesn't have much experience of LTR (her longest boyfriend seems to have been about 2 months, whereas I have been in several long relationships and tend to stick with someone if I like them). Do you good people think I'm nursing false hope by praying this will work out? I'm old enough to know you can't control people but I also feel that I would do a lot to convince her that we shouldn't split up. However I also don't really want to contact her until a little time has gone by. I don't want to seem desperate, even though I miss her like hell. Thanks for reading this, everyone. What would you do? Do I stand a chance, or am a glorified booty call who got too misty-eyed? Thanks.
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male
reader, mis_2017  +, writes (7 April 2017):
Dude, my honest opinion is to walk away and move on.
i got stuck in horrible relationships and i know that feeling of not wanting to let go, the countless emotions and thoughts running through my mind.
If you gave your best and she feels that way, walk away and find your stability.
A
male
reader, Gw80 +, writes (7 April 2017):
Gw80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,Thanks for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate the advice and am taking it onboard. One thing I've decided to do immediately is stop treating her like a princess - she doesn't seem to value being "cared for" very much anyway, so I won't waste any more time doing so. Just as answer to chigirl: she's 29 - hardly ancient but not THAT young. As you say she seems to have an outlook more like a younger person, at least when it comes for relationships. Quite when she'll be "ready" for a LTR (and with whom) I have no idea. She has some fantastic qualities, (and she's undeniably good looking); I think she'd be a great "proper" girlfriend if she'd just let herself go a bit. I doubt I'm the first man who's left scratching his head. There's some issues with trust and the possibility of being hurt: she's actually admitted this to me in a quiet moment. Thanks again everyone, take care.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 I think your issue is, that You are not listening.
When someone says:" I DON'T want a relationship" - that is what they mean. It doesn't mean:"I will have one if you just keep loving me and pursuing me."
And I agree with Auntie Cindy and Chigirl, this girl has issues YOU CAN NOT fix.
If she IS same age as you and hasn't had a relationship over 2 months it IS a HUGE red flag. It might mean she actually NEVER wanted a relationship but she still wants everything else you get from a relationship - at least until the partner (in this case, you) WANTS more.
Let her go. If you can find ONE woman you like this much, you can find another. My advice is this though, don't go for women who are NOT ready or willing to DATE. IF that comes out of their mouths it's time to move along.
YOUR job as a partner in a relationship is NOT to change someone to suit you or for you to change to suit them. YOU need to find someone who is more YOUR speed, someone who makes YOU the best version of you and vice verse. This woman? Is not it.
And OP.... Don't date coworkers. OK? It only makes for awkward situations at the workplace, something neither of you need and neither does the REST of the co-workers.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 How old is she? This behavior sounds more like a whimsical 18-24 year old, than a mature woman. If she's the same age as you, at least above 30, then I think her not having had a long term relationship above two months yet, is a huge red light. After only 4 months she's tried to end things on numerous occasions. 4 months is is normally the honeymoon phase, where you simply can not get enough of each other. Instead, this woman is trying her best to run away!
You've got to stop and ask yourself why. When the answer isn't obvious to you, there is still a reason why she is doing this, and more likely than not it's got to do with her emotional maturity and mental health.
I would take my guess on her having some personal problems. Not passing problems, such as a family crisis, but permanent issue such as a personality disorder or other mental health issue. When she is saying she does not know if she can be a proper girlfriend, I would trust her to know herself best, and trust her judgment on this. Perhaps she was lovely, for two months, even four months. But she knows she can not keep it up. Maybe it strained all the energy she had in her, and maybe she was so mentally tired when coming home after seeing you, that she spent the entire day crying afterwards. Who knows. These things are real. She knows her limit, and you need to trust that this is real. She's not saying this to get attention or to make you fight for her like it was some Hollywood rom-com. In real life you must respect when another person says "no". And she is saying no.
You do not need to know why, just know that if she says it is for the best, it probably is. Take pleasure in the good memories and be happy for the time you did get to spend with her, but let her go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 I may be doing a lot of reading between the lines, here, but I feel I am not too far off the mark, because there IS a code in relationship-speak.
You now, like " It's not you, it's me " which in fact means " No, it's actually you, you are too ( fill the blank ) for my tastes ". Or " I don't want a relationship " which means " I don't want a relationship *with you *".
So, if she says , as a negative , that she feels " very confortable " in the relationship, it means " You are a good person, a great one, even, but I am not in love with you ".She does not feel the butterflies in her stomach.She does not feel overwhelmed, swept off her feet. You nay be highly compatible in tastes and interests, but she wants that giddy, fire-in-the-belly sensation.
Now that this may indicate emotional immaturity , or be the wrong attitude to relationships- it's all another debate. But, seen her record of short lived relationships, it would seem that what makes things worth being pursued are quite different for her and for you.
So , no, I would not insist. And I would not insist even if it turns out that my reading of the situation is all wrong !, for the simple reason that things which start " on and off " are doomed . Only 4 months and already so much back-and-forth ?... No way it can work. Love does not have to be, is not, so complicated. Two people have feelings for each other, are happy to be together ? they STAY together, no breaks. There may be adjustments to make , compromises to reach, edges to smooth, - but nobody thinks to break it off ( .. just to change their mind the day after ).
Maybe this girl appreciates you as a person, sees your good qualitues, likes to have you around, likes the way you treat her which may be quite different from the way her 2 months boyfriends treated her - and still, something is missing for her. I think , when she came back , it was because her head told her that you 'd be a good match- but her heart ( and / or her senses ) disagree.
I'd give this a miss. Personally I do not believe in hard won love, in having to " conquer " somebody almost against theirselves.
They say that very often in a couple there's one who loves and the other who let herself/ himself be loved.
Maybe; and maybe for some people being the loving one is enough . But , if you ask me,... it sucks . Don't go courting such an awkward position , when other women would love you back generously, naturally and spontaneously.
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