A
male
age
41-50,
*tevo
writes:HelloI have a question relating to my girlfriend being friends with her ex. We have been dating a few months now and are very close, when we met I knew she was friends with several of her exes which I didn't really like too much but I know I can trust her so went along with it anyway knowing it probably wouldn't last anyway.The trouble is one of her exes she very much considers to be her very best friend and as time has gone on it's aggravated me a bit more and recently I said to her that it bothers me. They broke up around a year and half ago after dating for just over 5 years so it's been a while and there's was nothing more between them in that time since they split. If it was very infrequent contact I wouldn't mind but they email and text a couple of times a week and occassionally meet up for coffee or lunch and are good friends with each other's families too. Now I can understand she shouldn't drop everything just because I come on the scene but when I did decide to point out my concern I looked around at advice columns etc and most agreed that exes are just that, exes, and should be only in the past. I said to her that I would hope over time the friendship can fade a little and by the time we're settling down for kids and what not they shouldn't be on this best friend basis as I don't want that to be there in my/our life. She totally disagrees and to my frustration went a little beserk that my concern was irrational.Can I get some other people's views on whether this is reasonable? I'm not asking for support here moreso what other people think. I should also point out this is not a trust issue, I fully know that nothing would ever happen between them (although he is into her a little still) so don't think of it like that, just the fact that she insists he'll always be in her life.Any thoughts are much appreciated before I risk damaging our relationship at all by bringing it up more.Thank you all :o)
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male
reader, stevo +, writes (11 September 2007):
stevo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the opinions so far everyone, mostly along the lines of what I was thinking too... cheers
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): An ex can be a person that advised you in your times of bad weather and such an precious gift, I'm for maintaining contact with the exes, definitely. Now, of course there has to be a limit but I for one wouldn't make her feel restricted in selecting the friends. You're worried the contacts with the ex would continue after the marriage, by the time you have kids. Usually however, the more you advance in a relationship, the more busy you find yourself. The laundries, the time in the kitchen, the education of the children when they arrive. Do you see her neglecting all these to have a night out with the ex while you babysit? You know her better, my friend. It's true there has to be a limit and it would be odd to abandon her duties to go to parties unaccompanied repeatedly when you can't go, for example. Maybe you can be introduced to him and get to know him better. Maybe the "enemy" isn't a bad person at all? and wouldn't threaten what you two share. I'd say, indeed be cautious, but don't give her the sentiment of restriction. If you are understanding, you're in advantage. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): It is wrong, and I don't understand why she wants to be friends with him so bad that she's willing to hurt you. Are you sure nothing's going on between them? Men and women who've had a sexual relationship in the past are usually only "friends" for one reason and you say he still likes her so you need to be very concerned here and not so niave that nothing would ever happen because that just is not true. Put your foot down and if she chooses him then f*ck her. I would rather die than be friends with my exes and I would never hurt my man by keeping in contact with one. What is she getting from him that she's not from you?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 HiI know where you are coming from here, ive been on both sides of the fence. I have no problem with being mates with exes and i am actually friends with 4 out of 6 of them. One of them (that i married at 18) and split from 16 years ago, i am in constant txt contact at the moment after not speaking for 7 yrs, and meeting sat night with my bro for a drink. One from 3 years ago that i dated for 2 years, still see him in the club i go in. Have a giggle. Kids dad still obviously. And the most recent one (split 4 months ago) and to be honest, i wont be giving up those as friends for anyone.I dont know about the meeting up with them if i was with someone, that certainly wouldnt be happening if i was in a relationship. Not without my current partner anyway! But i will always have time for them.I have no probs with someone im with being intouch with exes for the same reasons above too.Hope that opinion helps.C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Her contact with her ex is unreasonable. They are ex's, her relationship with him is over. She's having one with you. I'm not saying it's not OK to have a friendship with someone you use to date. It is not OK not to respect the feelings of the person you are with. Your feelings are neither rational or irrational, they are your feelings. She may not understand them, but they are yours, they are there, and all though not understood they need to be respected. She may feel you are over board with all this, but she needs to take the time to understand why you feel this way, and why you see this contact as possibly interfering with your relationship
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