A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend 6 months. I do really care for him, yet we've had problems in the relationship because he's too smothering. I'm very independant and don't want to be "mothered" by a boyfriend, which is what he tries to do.We've had a few arguements about it, I ask him to just back off a little and allow me to be my own person, and he does for a few weeks, then just goes right back to being totally smothering. I really want this relationship to work, as aside from the smothering, he's a really decent lovely guy.So we've agreed to have a bit of a break, I told him that it has got to the make or break stage and I need him to seriously stop smothering me. It's been a week and to be honest it's been a nice break from constant text messages, him making sure I'm ok, asking me 50 times a day if I'm ok and if not what can he do to make it better (I probably sound ungrateful, I'm not, he's just too over the top in a lot of ways).I went out last night to a party, my friend's boyfriend's, and I didn't really know too many people there. I got on really well with this guy, who was obviously interested in me. My friend stayed at her boyfriend's house and the guy asked me to stay too (as he lives there too), I didn't, but I was tempted. I think I've kind of realised my boyfriend's smothering has killed any fun, banter, flirting in our relationship.So now I'm at a crossroads - do I ride out this break and hope my boyfriend will stop being so smothering and start being more fun? I tried to bring fun into the relationship before, but I don't know if he's that kind of guy. He's very serious.Or do I finish it, I was tempted last night, even though I didn't do anything, which isn't a good sign is it...?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a quick update - I broke it off a few days after posting this, and haven't ever felt happier, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
People can't change and he was making me unhappy with his smothering!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): I really am thinking here, your decision about what to do is already in place. You want to break it off and you just needed our thoughts, on what is right and wrong here. You don't need to know that. All of us have very differing opinions. You need to do what you need to do. Remember, dating is truely a selection process and if you need to find someone who makes you genuinely happy, and if he's not the one....then go out, find someone more suitable and be happy.
But I do have some comments about your bf. There is a fine line between 'attentiveness' and 'smothering'. 50 text messages a day is way over the top. You say he's smothering so I am taking that as needy, clingy, insecure...the whole gamut..am I right? If so, then yes, I agree..it's tough being in a relationship where one is so emotionally dependant on you. Your bf is anxious and afraid of losing you. You don't say what his dating history is like but is it probable, he's been hurt in relationships, before? If so, his self-confidence could've taken a good whack. But whatever the root cause of one's 'smothering and clinginess', I really like to tell people that a good healthy dose of 'self-love' is required, before getting into any love relationships. When one of the two people is fearful, they become smothering and needy, even very, very controlling. Red flag! A person like this really needs to work seriously on themself and learn to love themself, because everything they do, say and think will eventually show up in their character, and really reflect how they feel about themself.
You could talk and talk and talk. But is it going to make him less needy...more independant? If the respect is wavering, then I suggest you just let him go. Respect is foundational in a healthy relationship. Remind him that you bring this 'smothering' matter up only because you had valued the relationship and wanted to make it work better, but he still needs to improve himself..become more secure with himself. If you do still respect him, and want this relationship then support him and get into couples counseling with him. Find the help he needs to learn to beginning anew with a new, perspective on healthy love. Anyone can make changes..they just need help getting there. It's up to you. Anyways, a tough spot to be in and my heart is with you, hun-stay strong and good luck in what ever you choose to do.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Ride out this break, but if the behavior gets accessive again, let him go. Time to move on.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Life is never perfect. Who is to say that if you dump this guy that the next guy won't be someone like me who thinks a card once per year is an excessive and embarrising display of affection.
He might be to smothering but might you also just not be ready for a long term relationship. You were temped to a one-night stand with a stranger. Not exactly a sign of a person ready to commit. Your bf might be extra-smothering to you because you don't want to be with him anymore. It was fun when it was all new, but now it is becoming long-term he gets on your nerves?
After all, unless he has changed, he was smothering at the start as well wasn't he? And since there was a 2nd date, I presume you once thought it was okay?
So, no. That you were tempted is probably not a good sign. You seem to want out. Wether it is because you just don't like him enough anymore or that his smothering has crushed your feelings is irrelevant.
Time to move on. He and you seek different things at this time it seems.
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (19 July 2009):
 This is something you need to decide for yourself.On one hand I think your bf deserves another chance.One the other you may be able to find greater happiness somewhere else.You need to think long and hard on this before you decide.If you can`t decide I would try a casual date with the new guy.Nothing serious.And think about what you want some more.Be honest with your bf though.Don`t do anything behind his back.Just let him know how you feel.Let him know of your uncertainties and doubts.Maybe he will have something to say that could help.
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