A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,I have a bit of a problem, my boyfriend - I love him dearly - keeps on lying to me!!Not about anything major like being unfaithful etc etc (that I know of!!) but he lies about silly things that there is no need to lie about.This frustrates and hurts me so much and I don't know why he does it??I've had a browse around the internet and it seems that he is showing signs of NPD - could this be true?Not only is it me that he lies to, in the past, I've overheard things that he's told his mum that have been untrue and I've also heard his mum say to him 'I thought you'd stopped lying years ago' so it seems like its a problem that goes way back.What should I do, do I really want to spend my life with a liar? But on the other hand, if it's a mental issue that he has then I really don't want to desert him because I love him so much!I daren't approach him and tell him I think he has NPD because that will just get his back up and degrade him terribly if he thinks I think that and I know him, he will get defensive and push me further away.How do I approach this situation? Do I just be patient and be there for him or do I run?Is there anything that I can do to help him without it being to obvious? Is there anything that I can do to help myself learn to deal with this?Advice please people!! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kirra07 - That was great advice, we sat down and he admitted and apologised and I wasn't hard on him so hopefully he will realise I'm not an ogre after all ;-) and maybe we can take a step forward, I've made it clear that there is no reason he should lie as I would never judge him etc and that honesty is the best policy so I guess there's nothing more I can do and we will just have to wait and see what happens from here :)
Thanks everyone for your advice - you've all been a great help!! Much appreciated!
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (6 July 2011):
I don't really see how you can help him with this without it being obvious. Because if you want to improve the lying and stay with him, you have to talk to him about the fact that he is doing it. You need to make him see that it's important for him to be honest with you. You can tell him that you don't think he's doing it on purpose and ask him if he even realizes that he's doing it. And then hopefully you can support him trying not to lie. Maybe start by asking him to tell you that he did lie after he realizes he did. And you can be positive about the fact that he told you and maybe will help him try harder to tell the truth in the future. If he really does lie without thinking about it, it will be really hard for him to change it himself, and impossible for you to do anything about without involving him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for all your replies, I genuinely don't think he has it in him to lie about anything major - it just niggles me and frustrates me as I don't fully understand why he feels the need to lie - he's not great at sitting down and talking.
When he is sorry, I honestly do believe him because at the end of the day, we're not married, we don't have kids, he's a great looking guy so why would he stick around??
I really think it's just something that comes out of his mouth so automatically without him thinking and then he takes it too far and can't backtrack thus making the whole thing worse. I don't for a second think that it's malicious.
I'm just at a loss as what to do about it and how to handle it/overlook it myself because at the minute I take it to heart and probably make it ten times worse myself.
Any ideas?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 My soon to be ex husband is a chronic liar. It was part of the reason (a large part) our marriage ended. Once they lie about stupid stuff they lie about bigger stuff... and then you find that you are not trusting them...
you question the truth of everything and it colors your life.
lying at all cannot be acceptable.
and liars never change even if they say they will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): If you really love him, help him to change. Tell him that your hurt especially when he lies even no need to lie. Tell him that your really affected when he lies. Just do your best to change him. Not everyday you could met a guy that u could love dearly.By the way don't you ever do lie to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer.
The thing is, I know he loves me and would do anything for me, it's just the lies thats an issue, I was hoping we could work through this and find a solution without me leaving him, because there's obviously something not right with him if he's lying like this for no reason and me leaving him will not help him, he will still be the same and I will end up lost and broken hearted without him which is why I was hoping for a way for either me to help him or me to help myself by learning somehow not to take it to heart, I genuinely believe that he doesn't lie maliciously, I think he just can't help himself!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2011):
Lying on its own isn't a conclusive sign of narcissism. He could just be a liar because that's who he is.
What is worrying is that you're so ready and willing to accept this kind of treatment. If he does have narcissism, you can't really think that you can stay with him? And if you do really believe that, then you're in for a rough life because there is no cure for narcissism. In fact, it just gets worse and worse and you'll wind up utterly destroyed.
If he is a pathological liar, just get away from him. One thing a lot of young people don't get is that love simply isn't enough. You need a lot more, such as trust, care, attention etc. And you don't have and can't have trust, which is fundamental in a relationship.
You can choose to get away from him. Or you can choose to stay, in which case you'll have to accept some shocking treatment as time goes by.
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