A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for three years. The relationship is pretty great but one thing makes it stressful. Sex. He has never really shown an interest in having sex with me. I have NEVER had sex and would very much like to (been waiting for the right guy), whilst he has had many sexual partners in his past. Over the past two years I have been ready for sex and have told him so on many occasions but he didn't do anything to initiate it and if I tried to it would end in oral sex but not go any further. He says he cannot offer a reason as to why he hasnt had sex with me yet so I will never know. Last week I basically gave him an ultimatum and said that if he didn't have sex with me by the end of 2010 I would leave as I was not getting my needs met, so he has started to plan for friday to be the night. Did I do the right thing? DO I really want to have sex because I threatened to leave?Some thoughts would be much appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): it's surprising how dangerous and misguided self announced agony aunts can be. how could half the posters even suggest moving on based on only what you've mentioned??! Im sure uve remained in the relationship for more than the physical. So safe to assume you've had healthier priorities in most of relationship imo. Blindly leaving in hopes that you'll get similar outside only with sex this time seems misled! I.m.o most of 2 anon posts above imo makes most sense. That it may be:
1. Medical/ physio
2. religious reasons
3. Communication between you
However, it may also be:
4. Doesnt want to take your virginity (either at all or for the time being) for whatever reason..maybe a guilt thing or its ironically worth alot in his eyes - if you're laughing in absurd disbelief, you may understand why it'd be difficult to share this withsomeone (been there)
5. Stigma from his last sexual experience that's closeted
for each one though, one v important common theme is that ultimatums are not the best approach. Ironically if you meant it, then ref number 3 urgently. It sounds to be critical to salvage and maybe repair what's left of your relationship.
Rrspect is important and ultimatums can be perceived to be v disrespectful. Besides, the only time in which ultimatums r sexy is when one is spoilt for choice!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I too feel you have posted before on this subject, so in agreement with CindyCares here, but if we are wrong, then I'm afraid I'm STILL in the same place with regards to this VERY STRANGE FRIENDSHIP you have.
I will not call it a relationship, albeit you have been together for three years - and IF you are the person who posted a similar question, then you are living with this guy, who has NO desire to be sexually intimate with you, and on your omission has had many previous sexual partners, now may be I'm rather direct, that would for sure TELL ME he did NOT want me a PARTNER, LOVER, GIRLFRIEND but more as platonic friend whom he likes, cares for, but NOT as prospective long-term relationship.
To me that is just obvious, as any man and woman who have been going out for three years, living together or not, and do NOT have a physical relationship, it is a BIZARRE and very strange connection. Having said that, YOU don't actually clarify IF you and this man actually GOT TOGETHER based on MAN, WOMAN attraction with a view to having a FULL relationship..and this is where I wonder if the jigsaw piece is missing. That is is YOU who is attracted to him, it is you who wants a FULL relationship with him, and you have stayed around HOPING he will change his mind. I could be wrong, but this is a rather odd set-up.
And I'm not sure why you, or anyone, would remain with someone for THREE years when they have NEVER had a proper relationship. We are not talking about a marriage or relationship, that was once really fused with physical passion and goes off the boil a bit after a few years, this is a completely different scenario.
As for giving an ultimatum, absolutely awful, who would want to have SEX like that? And IF you FEEL you have to give an ultimatum surely this is time for you to FACE the facts after THREE YEARS he does not want the same as you, keep your dignity and close this friendship once and for all.
Seriously I feel this is bordering on un-healthy obsession to MAKE someone have sex with you, that clearly does not want to for whatever the reason is, is irrelevant now, THREE years is long enough to take the hint. SORRY, but this really is NOT healthy for you. Please think about all this very seriously.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2010):
I don't think it is a good idea either. You are trying to squeeze something out of this relationship to comfort yourself and your reasons to stay. I think you are in general unhappy about the relationship, and despite what you may think, having a shag one night will not change much. The world doesn't become a better place, and CLEARLY he is not the man for you if he hasn't taken an interest in having sex with you for the two years who have asked him to have sex with you.
So now what, you have sex on Friday. And wake up Saturday morning hoping for more. But he will perhaps want to wait 3 more years until next time? Or, better yet, the sex is horrible, and he still shows no interest, and while he is going at it you know the only reasons he is having sex with you is because you pressured him into it. Wouldn't that just make you feel special and loved... I think not.
Bad idea all over. If he doesn't want you sexually he doesn't want you sexually, and you'd have to work (or wait) just as hard for the NEXT time to have sex, as you did for this time.
I don't suggest you don't have sex with him. By all means, go ahead, you have waited for so long for it. But don't be delusioned. Having sex will not change things a bit, he will still be who he is, not interested. Having his dick in your pussy (excuse my frankness) will not make you more attractive to him, nor will it highten his sex drive when his sex drive as it appears is close to 0.
You ofeered an ultimatum, either he sleeps with you or you leave. Fair enough. But that doesn't mean you have to stay just because he slept with you. If the relationship still doesn't meet your needs after one time in the sack, it is time to up and leave. You are responsible for your own happiness, and you can not use ultimatums to push that responsibility over to your boyfriend. So in oher words, even if you have had sex, and you don't find yourself sexually satisfied, don't feel forced to stay. You need to do what will make YOU happy, and clearly, nagging for two years only to get perhaps one time with sex, isn't going to cut it.
What about instead of the ultimatum of "you have to have sex with me before the end of the year" (btw what an extreme amount of time you offer him... why, does he need at least two months to work on getting an erection??), you should tell him "I want sex twice a week, or it's over".
Speaking of that though, when you need to put ultimatums in, and threats, to manage a relationship, it can't really be all that great as you say it is. It shouldn't be necessary.
Maybe you should think twice about what it is you really want out of a relationship, and take a look and see if this is actually what you want. From what I can tell you want your man to desire you sexually. This bloke doesn't, and he never will. And for how long will you find it ok that you have to force him into having sex with you? And is that really what you imagine as a great relationship?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 I think I rembember you posted already in the past about this situation, giving many more details which showed how the relationship was not so great after all and had other issues besides sex. In case though that I am wrong or that you do not want to dwell on those details, I 'll give you the same answer I'd give to a first time poster .
No, I don't think it was such a great idea.
I mean, it's good that you are becoming assertive and able to speak up about your needs rather that accepting passively a status quo that bothers you. But- I am sure you know it without us telling you :
Sex should flow naturally from mutual desire. It's never good when you have to get sex by threatening,begging,bribing or coercing.
It may put a temporary patch to your problem, and keep you going for a short while, then the problem will resurface and you just will have to threaten even more, coax ven more etc.
There is something intrinsecally flawed in a relationship where only one wants sex. Sorry but if I were you , after 3 years , perhaps I'd think it's wiser to throw the towel and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I feel you did. I cheated arguably on a girl to get my sexual needs met as she was religious and refused. This is the right move as its important you get your needs met and if it cant be done, then logically just break it off so you can pursue what you need and want. Hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): If you have been together for 3 years, you must know each other relatively well. I do not understand that he says he cannot give you an answer as to why he cannot have sex with you. There are a few possibilities 1) He is gay 2)He has a religious reason or medical one
Instead of the ultimatum I would suggest you really talk to each other about this as it is pointless to carry on with a relationship where you feel you are not getting what you need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): There is something badly amis here and you know it. maybe he is also a virgin and has put pressure on himself by telling you he has had previous partners when in fact he doesn't know what to do.
Or he might be gay. That is a very real possibility.
I don't know how you've put up with it so long. The ultimatum is the right way forward but it won't be the best sex anyone's ever had.
I repeat, it is not normal for a man to have made no sexual move on you in 3 years without even coming up with some kind of reason.
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