A
male
age
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*AMINNEED
writes:My wife and I got separated in December and we have been apart for 8 months now. We have 3 woderful kids aged 10-16 who we are both unbelievably close with. The kids have handled the separation and impending divorce well. Our relationships have stayed great, their social life is good and they are doing great in school. I rented a house 1 mile away and see them regularly as I work from home.I have a biz in Miami, fl and I've been in love with someone for over two years who lives there. She has two kids and is divorced. We have talked about getting married and building a life together and I adore her more than anyone I've ever met.Her world has been opened up to me by her yet I have been hesitant to even introduce the idea that I have a friend to my kids and I don't know why i am so scared. This has built a wedge between me and my love because when I'm not with my kids I feel bad and I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to be totally up front with them. My wife knows of the relationship and has even asked if I was moving there. I can't live a double life...I am seriously considering telling my kids about her and spending alot more time in fla so me and my love can be together....at the same time my wife wants me back, but I truly love the other woman....I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Hi I wrote you a hard hitting response on the 25th August:"so let get this straight..... I hope you make the right decision" I am glad you did a followup. I am also glad you admit that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You are lucky your wife accepted you after your affair. She is really a remarkable woman, don't you think? You cheated once so please do not mess up again. Ther may never be another chance.
A
male
reader, IAMINNEED +, writes (27 February 2010):
IAMINNEED is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter leaving my wife in Dec 2008, I spent 9 months cultivating my new relationship. I was in love but something was missing. My wife and i were literally a signature from divorce. At the end of August I ended my existing relationship because as much as I connected and loved her, there were so many parts of a life together that werent right for me. I missed, home, my kids, my life, but most importantly, my wife. I reached out to my wife and told her that i wanted to work on us...something I didn'nt do at all prior to leaving. My head and heart weren't in it and I shortchanged her and us and didnt do it. She agreed and I moved back in over labor Day weekend. We have been back together for 6 months and I feel so good about it. We have gone to heavy weekly couples therapy and all cards have been placed on the table. We couldn't be making it without this help. I have a thought about the other person at least once a day. I can't help it but I don't act on it in any way. I truly believe you can love more than one person in this way.The grass isn't greener. i am on my way to finding a contentment that i needed but was looking for elsewwhere. Who knows what the future holds but I feel good about what lies ahead for us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): so let me get this straight. you have only been seperated for 8 months, yet you have been having an affair for 2 years now. you are divorcing your wife to be with this other woman. your wife seems to be so understanding, your affair, but she wants to reconcile. you don't . you are contemplating perhaps introducing this woman as your "friend" to your kids. cut all this bullshit betrayal. you may have messed up your marriage with this woman but nowe to abandone your kids as well - because this is exactly what you will be doing if you choose this other woman over them. they may seem very well adjusted to your seperation and perhaps divorce, only because they are hoping that dad wll be getting back together with mum. they have no cooking clue the reason you are divorcing their mum is because you have been having an affair. this whole situation will change when they realise that this other woman broke up their home, they will see this "friend" you will introduce to them as the homewrecker, will see this woman as the intruder into their home. you are right to have reservations not introducing this woman to your kids. please think carefully - not with the thing between your legs but think about the devastation you will be casuing them. they do not know about your affair, they do not know that you have betrayed their mum. you will see the true effects of your betrayal as they learn that their dad is not this up right moral citizen he claims to be. the moment they discover your affair, this is when their sheltered lives will crumble and believe me it will. if you say you are close to your kids , please re think your stategy. i can say to hell with the kids feelings, you go make it work with your other woman but that will be pointless. you will destroy their young lives and they would not be able to handle this betrayal. you are scared to introdce this other woman to them beacuse you know that you have done wrong, to your wife, your marriage and to your kids. you may believe they are coping splendidly but you know in your heart of heart what is going to happen if you introduce them to the women who broke their home or if you move to be with this woman. in their eyes you will be choosing her over them and in reality it will be. i think your wife has handled your affair remarkably well. she actually has morals - she has not blackened your name with the kids. she actually has spared you by not telling the kids the sordid details and that there is a third party involved. not too many wives will do what your wife has done. i think she has done what most mtohers will do - she is protecting her kids from the real reason you are divorcing. what a woman! she seems almost likeable and i believe she has good qualities. please hear what i am saying. you destroyed your marriage for this woman. please do not destroy your kids lives. you hold the key to their future. they are so young. don't move away. they are thinking everything will be allright because you are just a mile away. their lives are so precious and i think they look up to you. if you leave them to got o the other woman you will destroy them and you will do irreparable damage. regarding your wife wanting you back - please tell her that you are not going back to her. please do not give her false hope. be fair to her. after all she has not used the kids against you and i think that speaks volumes about her character. try doing the right thing going forward. you talk about being with "your love" (this other woman). two years ago, your wife must have been your love, as well. strange how life turns out differently. you have hurt your wife immensly, don't hurt your kids now. you may have betrayed your wife, but please do not betray your kids as well. they are innocent and they do not deserve this upheaval in their young lives. sorry that i am sounding negative but you need to realise the full impact of what you are contemplating. i always believe if you sow betrayal, hurt and pain, you will rep it. so please do not, it is not too late. think as a husband and as a father. and do the right thing. not for the other woman and her kids but FOR YOUR KIDS. i hope you do make the right decision.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 If the separation from your wife is final, then the only concern is your kids. And life needs to continue for all of you. Maybe it would be a good idea to move to Florida but stay in close and permanent touch with your kids, maybe with frequent travelling.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (23 August 2009):
 This is a difficult situation with no easy solution, but you're making it even more difficult by mixing up two separate issues: First, the fact that there is a woman in your life that your children do not know about, and second, the question of moving to Miami to live with this woman.As a first step I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in your new relationship (regardless of where you will live). If so, you need to tell your children. If they are strong enough to cope with the separation, they are strong enough to cope with your new relationship.As a second step (and only after you have made that first decision official and told your kids) you need to think long and hard about whether to move to Miami full-time, essentially abandoning your children for your new partner and her children. From a practical viewpoint this would be the easiest solution by far, but frankly, you don't sound to me like the kind of man who would ever abandon his children. So in my view you have two choices: continuing to split your time between Miami and where you live now, or finding a way of relocating one of your two families (either convincing your wife and children to move to Miami or convincing your new partner and her kids to move closer to where your own children live).But as difficult as all of these options may be in practice, remember that you are fundamentally a lucky man: you have great children, your own business and a new partner who you "adore more than anyone you've ever met".
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