A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:After finding a 3 year old secret twitter account of my long term partner I was gobsmacked the tweets 4/5 times a day hugs and kisses can't wait to see you tonight etc he'd been working with her every night for 8 years in 10 years I've never met one of his colleagues.i confronted him he said she's a work mate..but continued on.then I found out he went to visit her at home he says with workmates a year later it was twice. The same week I was in hospital with pneumonia but he couldn't visit me once..2 years on finally he's taken her off twitter Facebook etc but he won't allow me to add him on facebook..I have her number. Should I message her and ask how many times did he visit you and who with so I can get closure..but with me one more strike and you are out..she's moved jobs,and found a new man but he still likes her slutty pics on Facebook he's too dim to realize we can see what he likes without following. Last month he actually apologized he'd overstepped the mark after I said enough take her number Facebook Twitter off your phone which he's done..I do check weekly to see if he's added her he hasnt..we haven't been intimate at all since I discovered this 3 and a half years . He blames his health he has crowns which I sympathize with I asked him if he watches porn he admitted he does. But how can you be a man not even 40 yet and have no intimacy unless its getting it elsewhere..I love him but I'm sick of him not owning up being deceitful and shady he always,says I need meds or I'm stalking him..he never ever leaves his phone even goes to the bathroom at 3 am ..paranoid how do I get closure unless I confront her as he's not being truthfully I know nothing physical went on but I don't trust a word he says now..I'm at the point where I pretend to be asleep when he gets in..is it his Ill health or has he turned into something I need to get shut of..he thinks it's all hunky dory..I'm not even bothered about no sex but need a cuddle now and then and know wetter he does want to be with me or is he opting for the easy life my house ..my brand new car he's driving round in not feel like I'm a nuisance in his life..sorry for the rant. So do I message her or leave alone and believe him as its making me Ill
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 I have heard your story before and I am glad you have finally ended things with him. I hope you stick to your decision for you and if my memory serves me right your daughter also. I think you need to ask him to leave your house and take some time for yourself to get over this relationship. Believe me you can do so much better than this man. He was using you and you deserve someone who puts you first and treats you right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I messaged her he went to visit twice ALONE ! Not with work mates..I showed him her responses he,said he didn't want to tell me as I'd take it the wrong way..finally two years later he's admitted he did go alone as he had no choice as I'd heard it from the horses mouth..result he's resigning from work as can't go without my car..and looking for somewhere to go..still doesn't get it how it's hurtful and deceitful what he did and to shamelessly lie to my face for 2 years # happytobesingle
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2017): "I love him but I'm sick of him not owning up being deceitful and shady"He's not owning up because you're enabling him. He knows he can do whatever he wants because you never hold him accountable so he'll experience no consequences. "how do I get closure unless I confront her as he's not being truthfully" By accepting the reality that he's a lying, cheating scumbag who is shamelessly taking advantage of you and throwing out of your house. "I know nothing physical went on but I don't trust a word he says now.."If you can't trust a word he says, then you don't know if anything physical went on. "he thinks it's all hunky dory"For him it is. He can do whatever he wants. ". . . is he opting for the easy life my house ..my brand new car he's driving round in not feel like I'm a nuisance in his life.."As long as you're paying the bills you won't be a nuisance in his life. "So do I message her or leave alone and believe him" Neither. The one thing you should do is the one thing you won't do: Dump him. Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 May 2017):
 I agree with N91
You have written before and gotten great advice. I think, however, you rather ignore the advice to END it with him and stick to "blame" her and focus on her.
YOU can't change who he is, you can't control his actions. ONLY how you react to it.
You have put yourself on the shelf (sexually) for 3 1/2 years? Is he really worth that?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 May 2017):
 I'm pretty sure you've posted about this before and you received good advice the last time which you seem to of completely ignored.
Asking the question again in the hopes of different answers that fit what you want to happen.
Tell us what you love about him....his lying? Unfaithfulness?
You sound like a prison guard having to check on his social media habits. Do you think this is how a relationship should be? Grow a backbone and kick him out, what a waste of space.
Who in their right mind would put up with their partner telling other women they can't wait to see them?
YOU are letting him do this to you. Why would he stop if there's no consequence?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 May 2017):
 SHE is not your problem. HE is. SHE is not in a relationship with you. HE is. SHE owes you NOTHING. HE owes you honesty. Your relationship is with HIM, not with HER. Leave HER out of your relationship and concentrate on HIM.
You have lost all trust in him. He is withholding intimacy. You are making yourself ill at the thought of his relationship with this woman.
Question: what are you actually getting from this relationship? It sounds like you are financially self sufficient so why are you making yourself ill by staying with him and torturing yourself by checking up on him?
If he wants to hide something from you, he has already proved he is more than capable of doing so. And I don't believe for a second he is "too dim" to realize you can see he likes her pictures on Facebook; he is doing it as a two finger salute to you because he KNOWS you are checking on him.
Perhaps their relationship was physical, perhaps it wasn't. However, if he was visiting HER while telling you he could not visit you in hospital, then his relationship with this woman was removing energy from YOUR relationship.
I cannot believe you have tolerated this impass for over three years. If his only response to you is to attack you (telling you you need meds and calling you a stalker), then he has no intention of taking any responsibility for what he has done and he has no intention of trying to rebuild trust between you. But then, why SHOULD he? YOU are allowing him to behave in this way. YOU are staying with him despite him punishing you all this time by withdrawing intimacy. YOU are staying with him despite losing all trust in him.
Sweetheart, you know you are worth so much more. What are you afraid of losing? The pain? The uncertainty? This "relationship" has been in its death throes for over three years, yet neither of you has put it out of its misery. Can you see yourself in this same horrible place another 3 years down the line? HE will not change anything; it is up to YOU to be strong and take back control of your life.
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