A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I'm in a very difficult position which will probably lead to lots of judgements about me, but, here goes:I've been married (very happily married) for 6 years to an amazing woman. About 6 months ago I met a someone and we hit it off as friends. We enjoyed each others company and then a few months after meeting we kissed. Not planned, it just happened (I know it sounds lame).Since then (4 months now) we have been spending alot of time together and we think of each other constantly and love being together. We are both deeply in love and I need to do the right thing, which I believe is end it with my wife.I'll break my wifes heart and mine (I do love her). I truly never entertained that another person in this world would have the same level of connection as my wife and I have. I lived my life believing the two of us would be together always, which is now not the case.I guess I'm looking for vindication that the right thing to do is leave my wife. Any input would be great.Thanks. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): Seriously? I've been there and things might seem great right now but I guarantee when you drift even a little this "new" woman will be looking to a new guy to fill her high maintenance needs and you'll look like an ass for leaving a woman who cared about you and never dreamed of leaving you.
A
male
reader, kcrouc300  +, writes (13 October 2010):
I totally understand your situation. On one hand you love your wife and on the other you and your wife have fallen apart for whatever reason. I read some of the other answers and heard the word commitment in a number of answers. While I appreciate all the women that during the wedding voles, heard loud and strong the word commitment they mist the part that said I will love my husband and care for him. I think that when women get married they use the word commitment for a security blanket. No offence but a kind word or a soft kiss would work much better.
In my life I have been married for 26 years and did have an affair. The first thing I thought was how sad that a man of my skills in communication can’t communicate with his own wife and has to seek respect from anther women. That’s right I used the word respect. After all what is it that everyone is always looking for, respect from the people around them especially their own family. Affairs start when you realize that the only place you don’t want to go his home.
I am what most people would call a nice guy. I have always watched out for those around me I have given every dime I have ever made to my wife to make sure she has everything she wants. What I got in return was criticism and a feeling of disrespect from a wife that never wanted to make love, to find myself alone with no one to be able to talk with.
So my answer is this. I understand that you don’t know what love is, and what you are feeling for this girl most likely is lust. But each day really is special and should be spent with a person that loves you. The people that told to tell your wife are right. I know that you’re scared of the answer but what you are going through every day is the same for me. So I know that you spend way too much of your day trying to juggle two relationships. Trust me there is only one answer tell your wife the outcome is irrelevant.
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A
female
reader, wildrose28 +, writes (7 June 2010):
Life is too short be with the one that you love. Follow your heart for in the end what good is it for you heart to be weary? We all have to do things to maintain but don't forget because how else will you be happy. Though we all will make mistakes you must still fight for happiness and if you seek your happiness then your wife will have to do the same. You will also do her a favor by being true to yourself why shouldn't both of you be deserving?
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A
male
reader, Joe6 +, writes (13 April 2010):
From current experience, I left my wife for my affair and one year later regret every moment of it. I was so unhappy, the intimacy was gone and I managed to get myself into a pretty wild depression. I found solace in a co-worker and we currently "live" together but my heart aches everyday for the woman I left behind. We had our issues which seemed un-fixable, but when you are out of the situation you realize how many ways there are to actually repair what has been lost. The trick is to get fixin' right away rather than waiting years to do anything.
My words of advice are to make sure you REALLY want to leave and probably see a counselor before you make any decisions you will regret. I wish I did.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, HappyAgain +, writes (3 February 2010):
My best advice is not to benefit you, divorce your wife. This amazing woman (your own words) does not deserve to be saddled with someone like you. You sound as though your marriage was perfectly happy until this other woman came along. Seems to me that the two of you deserve one another. Neither you or the other woman will ever fully trust one another, and really...why should you? Speaking from the standpoint of a wife who has been in your wife's shoes, chances are very good that once she finds out what you have done, she will not be as heartbroken as you think. Set her free to find a good man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Wow...is all I have to say! Everyone judges and no one lives in his shoes. I respect you for the very hard choices you have made.
Those who choose to stay in relationships for the wrong reasons always lose. Not everyone is a player or "once a cheater, always a cheater".
I was married for 9 years....left (no cheating) just out of realizing there was no compatibility, he was great but not for me. Shortly after I entered into a rebound relationship that never lasted. I now have a beautiful daughter, who I have been raising for 7 years on my own.
I never dated, worked hard and was able to achieve success in a career and as a parent.
After being alone for almost 5 years I did the unthinkable, I had an affair with a married man. We started out as friends. Turns out his wife decided to have a child without consulting him. Their marriage was on the outs and he did leave her shortly after the birth of their daughter. It was a very difficult thing for him to do as he felt very strong obligations to his child.
In the meantime we saw each other as friends from time to time as we work for the same company in different cities. Before his final separation from his wife, we had an affair for 5 days. I held back my feelings for 5 years and finally we got together. We are together now and he is everything I ever wanted and completely appreciates me for believing himand not judging his situation. We are now married and both have no regrets. Who says real love can't happen after an affair. Please save your judgements and we all make mistakes....follow your heart!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): I too am at a cross roads. I married late, 36 yrs as I was looking for my soul mate. I met my wife and we shared many things in common. I new she wasn't my soul mate however I figgured it the was best it was ever going to get.
We have been married 14 years and have 2 kids. We have not had sex in 2 and a half years. Before that it was once or twice a year, maybe. She has changed since we met in that she does not like intimate cuddling, huggs and often pushes me away.
We have spoken about it and it doesn't change.
A woman who I have known for 2 years has attracted me. We have not had sex. Is it lust, perhaps. Is it love, I don't know. I feel a connection that I have never felt and I dated a lot before marriage.
My dilemma is not unlike yours, but I must consider kids.
My advice to you is live your life for you, now, before kids get involved.
If is not what you want get out ammicably. Be fair, and honest. Do it for you, not for your lover.
You have one life to live.
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A
male
reader, cheater +, writes (24 September 2008):
What I'm surprised about here is all the people posting about a certain moral rightousness who seem to have given a lot of thought & attention to this subject...to this, almost, common 'twist' of human behavior. Only one confessed they had 'stooped' so low as to foul themselves up in an exciting affair. Funny thing, you folks are here blogging, giving these words of advice yet I had never been here until I myself found myself in an affair, curious about this very specific notion, a google hit led me here...what led all you "non"cheaters here?.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Better you leave her than to continue your charade. My husband had a mistress for 12years of our 19 years of marriage. I would have rather known immediately than 12 years later. My best years were lost.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): Hello:As you had mentioned, you and your wife were married for 6-years and you did use the phrase "you love her" which is very understandable and true. However, I can strongly see that the bottom line is, "you are not romantically in love with her" or "in love with her" (which also means you are not into her. You just "love her" as a dear friend would love a dear friend, a father would love his son, etc. You seem to be "in love with this other woman." My question is, "How long will you be in love with this woman." Remember now, at one time this is how you felt about your wife before you gotten married to her. These things happen, but what is really deep down in your heart?If this is bothering you and you are loosing sleep over this, then I suggest to communicate with your wife and discuss this with her. Of course, there are heartaches and pains, but the most reasonable thing is to talk about this with her. What may happen if you keep this all inside, then you will become dishonest to yourself, your wife and this other woman. When you hold things in and your wife dosn't know, you will continue this great lie and will be sneaking out on her. I beleive right now the way things are going talk with your wife, be honest. The truthe is much better than to hide the truthe and continue to live a lie.I really wish you all the luck. You would be a great man if you were totally honest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): I am in a very similar position to you - I feel I have fallen out of love with my wife. Recently I started to worry that it was just because the grass appeared greener 'on the other side' - I have several very good female friends who I spend time with and I was concered that I was confusing my feelings for them with not loving my wife.I managed to seperate the two - I put myself very clearly in a 'friends only' position with my female friends, which then helped me to see clearly how I felt about my wife. My suggestion would be that however hard it may seem, distance yourself from the other woman so that you can be clear about your feelings for your wife. I felt a lot better for doing this.
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A
female
reader, ladybug  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Hey! think first, six happy long years is not a joke, I really dont agree on your decision to leave your wife for another woman whom you just constantly met, if you are happy with your wife and you loved her, why would you hurt her, besides you said that she is an amazing woman, dont you realise that the mere fact that both of you still loves each other enough reson for you to keep her?, i believe that this were only trials given by god to see how far will you go for true love, youve actually found the perfect one, dont lose her, i dont want you to regret in the end.as of another woman, i just want you to realise the difference between LOVE and Lust!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your responses, however much i didn't like hearing them.I used the word 'love' loosely and did not qualify what I meant. I believe I love my wife, but I am not in love with my wife. Leaving her would be heartbreaking in the sense of a friend passing away as we have shared so much. I don't want my wife to be unhappy but I don't want her to live a lie with me. I feel I am going through the motions and have for sometime.As for the other woman. I have no intention of moving in with her or anything else like that. I intend to live alone, to get my own house in order and I will begin to date her in the true sense of the word. If it works out great, if it fails, then so be it.I have only one life, I firmly believe this is the only time we have, and that sometimes, however difficult, tough decisions need to be made.I have no intention of contesting a divorce. I am in a fortunate enough position that I will happily give my wife our home and her own successful career will take care of the rest.I've already told her.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (21 July 2007):
 You won't get validation from any self-respecting Agony Aunt. You tell us you think your wife is amazing, meanwhile you are cheating on her. Sir, it is your cognitive dissonance that is amazing.
As your mind is already made up, go ahead and destroy your marriage. Pray that this adventure into animal desire turns into love.
You are truly naive about marriage and what it means to be married. You don't know why your marriage is failing, so your new romance starts to fade you will again be bewildered about losing that lovin' feeling and will cheat again.
If you poured as much energy into your marriage as you do this 6-month adventure, you might begin to understand what it means to be married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Good answer by Chrissy. She points out what exactly you stand to lose if you make the wrong choice. I for one, will not give you vindication to leave your wife. You have invested 6 years of marriage to an 'amazing' woman, with who you say you 'love' and are very happily married to. But in the same paragraph, you then go and say you have fallen in love with another lady, whom you met 6 months ago. Six years of commitment and marriage (long-term, solidarity, committment) vs six months of excitement, lust, great sex and desire (short-term, self-involved fun). Now you need to know, what do you do, whom do you choose? I will say that you should choose to do something, that you will admire yourself for, in the future. You need to really use your conscience into your decision making process, here. I am always amazed at how some people 'squash' that conscience, using terms like 'my happiness, my wants, my needs'. Let's look at this: the affair is is new, fresh, alive. But do you see yourself happier when the excitement wanes in about a year and it all mellows into mundane of everyday life? You say you love your wife and you will break her heart, if you leave. I think you need to ask yourself, what you will be sacrificing for one's shallow definition of happiness, here. Six months of having an affair and good sex does not define 'love' in my books. Lust, overwhelming infatuation but certainly...not love. Real love grows over the years and it's there through all the happy times, sad times, boring times, the challenges, the tough times...of building a long, content life together. Love will be there when you are old and frail. You married a woman you love, and you made a promise of fidelity to her. Don't make a decision to throw away a good marriage all because you are having an affair. Because, in about a year or two, when you are divorced, bitter and likely broke from paying lawyers off, and dividing all your assests, all you will have with you is a woman with you, who didn't have the foresight, the common sense and the exemplary character, to leave another woman's husband alone. Look at the future, down the road and think hard before making your choice.
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female
reader, igby  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Difficult topic, especially seeing as your infedility didn't come from a place of being trapped...really it comes down to the question can we love more than one person at one time?
Personally i believe we can only really give our heart to one person at once, doesn't mean we can't share our bodies and expereinces with more...So you need to work out really where does your heart belong (it might not be with either)
Whatever your decision, your wife needs to know the truth, you owe her that. As for this other woman you have a connection with, you need to work out in your own mind and heart if you want to actually be with her or is it the illusion and excitement of something new?
I think you know the answer, what you need to do to really furfill your life.
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female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Hi, honestly the right thing to do is to probly leave your wife seeing that you are cheating on her with this other lady, But 6 yrs is a long time to just walk off and leave her...You should really think about this cause the 4 months that you have been with this other lady isnt that much, thank if you leave your wife you may lose your house over this and live with this other lady and find out that she is not the one for you your wife is.You should really talk to your wife about this and see what it comes out to be, maybe you will relize that your wife and if you have kids mean more to you then this other lady, but you really have to talk to your wife about this and come to a dession the both of you. well good luck and tell her soon. The sooner the better!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Hi - I'm not judging you as I had an affair. However I did not love my husband any more for many and varied reasons - I cared, but I did not love him. You say you love your wife and therefore I think you need to think very carefully. You love two women - one you know very well the other you know less well. It may be that both provide / spark different things in you - so completing the whole picture. I guess the thing is.... which things are most important to you. If your wife left you and you were left with only one choice - this other woman - would you be happy about that? The other factor is that now you have effectively 'cheated' (sorry to use that word) can you look your wife in the face and rebuild things in your own mind - knowing this. Is the damage too late? Remember that you do have a choice right now - but it is certainly time to make it. Depending on the depth of feeling for your wife you may use the affair to learn and decide how you want things differently in your marriage. If this is the case - go all out to make those changes and never look back. If you need a fresh start for other reasons and you know in your heart that your wife and you have issues that simply will not change or can never be resolved then do not be afraid to follow your heart. You have much to think about. I would recommend a weekend away (find a reason) on your OWN to think this through.
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female
reader, L.O.V.E. +, writes (21 July 2007):
don't leave her this is just a fling .
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