A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:cant stand the wife but love my 2 kids, 12 an 7. we fight a lot an i know this is not healthy for the kids. when i leave she says lie's to the children to try to win them over. my 12 yr. old tells me the things that she says. cant stand it any more...she is becoming unbearable to live with. I've caught her in so many lie's i no longer trust her and she is the biggest flirt on facebook an at her job. do i stay an reprogram my mind to deal with the bull sh@% till the kids are old enough... then leave her??? or do i bail out now an find a normal woman and have the kids come with me??? witch i know they will will because the kids know that their mother is a wack job by the things she say's an does around the house??? what would u do???
View related questions:
facebook, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Unless you have official psychological proof of a mental illness so severe that you'd have grounds for custody then you're not going to get the kids. It's a simple as that the law is on the mothers side and it always will be.
The law is sexist on this kind of thing that even mothers with a history of drug taking, physical and emotional abuse, severe mental issues are still more likely to get custody.
The only two choices you have are stay and seek counseling or leave without the kids. Because I'm afraid your opinion of her behaviour has no bearing on her abilities to raise children from a legal standpoint and it would cost you a hell of a lot of money (enough to buy a small house) to prove otherwise because the onus of proof lies with you. Unless she physically abuses them or takes drugs in front of them you simply will not win a custody battle. Look up the statistics they're damning.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 I wish I could tell you to live some place by yourself but with two kids it's difficult. She comes home to you to ignore your needs so when there is a void she may then appreciate your presence, and the many things you did in the marriage. Love is not about creating a series of courtships and passion, it's doing little things that show you care every day. Leave without a word but place a note saying if she needs attention she should have come to you. Tell her you would be back but she needs to come to her senses and resolve her issues first. Finding a normal woman would also be difficult because you will be just out of a relationship and she will sense that you are resentful towards women, you don't want to be alone, or when you can't handle problems you just bail out. These are not good impressions to leave for the next woman. Although hormones are the excuse for many problems I would say that what your wife is doing is not normal. To improve marriage you can learn to control your emotions better so if there is conflict you calm down first and analyze everything. When you fight you all you do is get the steam off your system but nothing gets resolved. It's not about who's right who's wrong. It's about connecting even when life is hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, Zuni +, writes (2 October 2010):
 First off, I am very sorry about your current situation, this must be hard for you. Leaving the wife and taking the kids is ultimately up to you. However, they are her children too and you would have to go to a judge and plea your case and win in order to have full custody of the children. If you were just to up and leave with the kids without going through the legal process she could call you out on kidnapping which would not be good. Go to your lawyer and explain what is happening, what you want to do, and why (be specific on how it is affecting you and the kids).
However if you do leave her and take the kids don't try to replace their mother with another woman, divorce for children is always harder on them than they let on. And the ages at which your kids are at they will need time to digest the situation, because even if they say they understand, it's still a confusing ordeal. You have to let time pass before you find another woman, and when you do find that woman you should explain to them that the woman you have found loves them and cares about them, that they don't have to see her as their mother, but they should still treat her as a part of the family and respect her.
If you do decide to stay with your current wife, don't just hunker down and deal with it. Always have your kids best interest in your mind. Don't tolerate her doing anything that is unhealthy (both physically and mentally) for the kids. You might want to take your wife to a professional because she could be a pathological liar. Look it up online or in a medical manual. Because I don’t know 100% percent of the story I can’t tell you if that’s what it is or not, however, chronic lying, unrestrained flirting, and doing odd things around the house could be signs that there is something wrong with her and there are several disorder that those “symptoms” can be classified as. I’m not saying that that’s what she is. I’m only giving you another possibility to explore.
If I were you in this situation I would do what is best for your children. If your wife is unhealthy for your children then I would get you and them out. But if you do leave don’t make it so that they can never see their mom again, unless that’s what they want. Good luck to you and I hope that you can figure out what’s best for you and your children. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I’m not the one experiencing what you are going through. Hopefully what I said makes your choices easier though. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (2 October 2010):
Hi there. Your wife is probably going through menopause now. It can certainly cause women to go through many different mood swings and sometimes do some strange things.
Has she only started acting this way? Has it been in the last few years?
It also sounds like she has come to a place in her life, where she doesn't know what she wants any more. I'm talking about a mid-life crisis.
This is a time in a lot of people's lives, where they start to take stock of what they have done so far - work, children, etc. There's also often a sense of your own mortality and of time running out for following your dreams.
Flirting and going onto Facebook, are both bandaid solutions and methods of escape when one is bored with their life. She is looking for fun and a quick fix, so she escapes into Facebook for a bit of conversation to try and pass the time of day in an interesting way. Novelty factor really, and nothing more. She is not having enough fun in her life - so she's looking for it.
She does seem to be looking for something, although she probably doesn't know what. She shows all the signs of being very restless.
The telling your children lies, might be a part of the menopause mood swings situation. But probably more about her feeling fed-up with her life, and that it has no real purpose at the moment. She might be getting bitter about everything. It's not unusual in middle-age.
Perhaps also as a mother, she has spent so much time doing things for your children, that she has left little time for herself and somewhere inside her a little voice is saying - "Hey, what about me!" She might have this feeling more, if she has stayed at home to look after them and not had a job. In which case, she would have led a restricted lifestyle and had so much to do constantly. However, she could still feel this way even if she has worked.
I suspect that this is exactly what's happening. So in that light, the only solution for her is to do some nice things for herself - Go see a nice movie; Meet up with her friends for coffee; Start up some interesting hobbies; Read an interesting book. Just affording herself, some very valuable much needed time. Time just for her. It's clear that her needs are not being met, and she's very unhappy. Her behaviour proves that.
It's even possible, that over time you have both started to take each other for granted. She might not feel that she is attractive anymore, or that you appreciate her for who she is. Also, you might feel the same way.
Do you ever really talk to each other? When you do talk, do you really listen to each other - or do you just argue? Good clear communication in any relationship is really important. Without it, some issues never see the light of day, and then all that happens is, you both start to feel resentment, because you can't see the point in trying. This is not a good place to be. It's on the downhill slide - but can be reversed.
If you used to love each other and were "in love" once, it is possible for you both to feel that way again - with a little effort by both of you. You both need to show you genuinely care about each other, every single day. It doesn't matter how long you've been together.
There is a very good book about relationships and how they change over the years. The different stages that relationships go through and how they evolve over time. It talks about lots of stuff and how to bring back the passion into your marriage again. It's very worthwhile reading.
That book is called - "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (Seven Steps To Saving Your Relationship)." - by Andrew G. Marshall. The Publisher is Bloomsbury. Any good bookstore should sell it.
I believe it might help. It has some very useful information in it.
The main thing is, don't give up. You'll be glad you made the effort.
I sincerely hope this has helped you. Take care and best wishes.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): HAHA sorry mate just had to laugh that is funniest post i seen in a while, all jokes aside tho i seriosily think you should talk to your wife prior to leaving her, or atleast have a word to her in regards to her wackyness, if u have before then i apoligise, think you know what to do in your heart and for whats best for the kids. Put them first then yourself, im sure you know this. goodluck in your journy my freind.
...............................
|
