A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I really need someone to help me out. I have been married to my husband for almost five years, and we have two children together. Ever since we had our second child, my husband and I have had very little to no sex. He could care less about any fore play, and usually the sex only lasts between five and fifteen minutes. I am a very sexual person, and he used to be more so too. But for the last three years (thats how old our youngest is) have just been pathetic. My eyes and thoughts have started to wander to other men, some who are friends of mine, and I really don't want to cheat. Its just getting harder and harder not to want to. I've only ever been with my husband, and often I find myself wanting to see what sex is like with someone else. What do I do? Do I just have to be okay with no sex, or should I find someone to give me that "experience" my body is craving?? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): I've been having an ongoing sexual relationship with the wife of a very good friend of mine. She is in a similar situation with her husband having no sex drive towards her; he basically ignores her needs and seem to be happier masturbating. It doesn't make any sense because she is very attractive, attentive, and an all around sweet person. He knows that we have had sex in the past-prior to their marriage--but it apparently doesn't bother him that she wants to hang out with me all the time.
You need an arrangement like we have.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Something is the matter and Hubby knows it. Talk to him in clear terms. "Why, Hubby?" "What do you plan to do about it?" Et cetera. Then you make a decision. It is simple, only difficult to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey OP here. We have many discussions about it, and they never really go anywhere. He was there for both births but I had C-sections. I really don't wanna cheat, and I would prefer not to divorce either. I want him to just want me, it shouldn't be so complicated to sleep with your spouse. He is a hard working man, and he's a great father. I just feel like my wants and needs don't matter anymore, its always him and our kids that come first. I also know that sex isn't all a relationship is supposed to be about. That isn't all I want. Everything just seems to have changed and I hate it. I wouldn't know where to start if we did split up, I've been with him since I was sixteen and I'll be twenty six at the end of this year. The other thing that drives me crazy is the fact that he doesn't let me hang out with him and his friends. Which by the way two of those people are a married couple. I feel like the only thing I'm good for anymore is being a mother to my kids. I love them both SO much, but I don't want that to be the only thing that defines me. I appreciate all of the advice that all of you have given, and I know I have a lot to think about, and talk about with my husband. Thank you all so much.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 What does your husband say about this? Some men have a problem with having sex with women that are mothers… if he saw the birth he may be traumatized about it.
HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM About it? What does he say? Is he willing to go to counseling? IF not I suggest discussing with him that you will have to either take a lover (with his permission and approval) or end the marriage as you are not being treated fairly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): You are very young to be in this situation. Seems hard to see how your marriage will last over time. Really think about if you want to make it work with your husband.Perhaps long term you are not compatible, sad but sometimes it happens.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (8 March 2012):
 All a bunch of garbage. When a woman rejects a man and the man continues to try to have sex with her and is turned down CONSTANTLY, you don't need therapy to find out why, she isn't interested. When a man rejects a woman and the woman continues to try to have sex with him and its turned down CONSTANTLY, it hurts her as well.I understand not wanting to have sex because you are straight up tired. I understand being in a bad mood and just not feeling it at all. I understand being sick, etc.However, THREE YEARS is inexcusable if you supposedly love that person. In every sense, sexuality is connected with love. Religiously, culturally, traditionally, etc. All of the people that say, "counseling" should be done, you are out of your minds.OP... You want to cheat? That is up to you. However, instead of skirting around the issue, end it head on. Contrary to what people will tell you, "staying strong for the children" is a really bad idea. You want to have happy children? You want to be a great parent? Be happy. That is how you do it.If you are in a marriage where you don't have sex for 3 years and you are 22, it ain't getting better, sweetheart. Your kids' psychological and social development are heavily influenced on the environment in which they were raised.Two happy split up parents are better than two miserable but married parents. Do the right thing, end it. You two simply are not a match.Feel free to inbox me with any questions.-IHateWomanBeaters
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): No the Men tend to be more sympathetic to men. Its cave man mentality that only MEN enjoy sex and are 'entitled' to sex.
OP- Marriage should be more than sex. But since you are saying you are more so by nature, I say its best to be open about your desires, wants, needs with Husband. IF he is not willing to talk to you about it, then I suggest therapy for you both.
If that doesn't work, why stay in a marriage where you are being neglected in such an intimate matter?
Cheating IS NOT the solution.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Before you go the cheating route (and that's what you'd be doing if you did stray), I would encourage you to explore with your husband why your sex life is so unsatisfactory. It is much easier to talk about this subject than trying to hide reasons on why you are absent.
I hope you do play out the cheating route -- in your mind. Imagine the fleeting pleasure you might feel. Sure it'll be exciting, perhaps a bit daring and risky. But imagine the ultimate outcome: having to choose between your lover and your husband (children's father) or having been exposed as a cheater to his family and your family. Sometimes the grass looks greener until you realize that isn't grass, but a moss covered swamp.
I think you are overdue for a conversation with your husband. Tell him you feel neglected and you want to rekindle what you used to have with one another. Chances are, he feels the same way with you.
Also, consider going on vacation (just the two of you). If that isn't in your budget, then consider a night on the town. Start a date night and make sure it's all about pleasing the other person.
Another resource you may want to look at is Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". This book will help you and your husband work together to make sure neither one of you are neglected.
You owe it to yourself to give it every chance before you give up on yourself, your husband and most importantly, your children.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Are we, "anon"? I hadn't noticed!
OP, go for it, but get his permission first. If he truly can't be bothered with sex he will be happy that someone else is doing the job for him....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Funny how we're more sympathetic to men in these situations....
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male
reader, xgod +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I am in a very similar situation. Before we got married, my wife and I were always hot for one another. However, after the first week or so of marriage, it all faded out. She has no interest in sex except perhaps once every two or three MONTHS. I have to beg and plead and ask two days in advance in order to "plan" around her schedule.We initially were planning to have kids within the first 5 years of our marriage. We're going on 13 years now and nada. I've wanted kids for over a decade and am dying to look outside our financial comfort zone that defines our relationship more than sex ever has... We're together because it is comfortable, friendly, and convenient.She knows how badly I want kids, but - due to medications she has to take - there is no way we will ever have them now... 8^(Your situation is that you already have children. You MUST consider them first. The safety and stability of the home your children live in is the most important thing right now. The security of your relationship - however abstinent - with your husband is paramount to the positive outlook your kids will have about their home.I come from a totally obliterated home, where my mother and father fought constantly, Dad beating mom and me and my siblings until we were broken and bleeding. Do not let your current situation and desires for sexual gratification drive you to the point that could end your marriage and destroy the emotional world of your children.You have several options:- Visit Adamandeve.com and buy yourself some tools/toys/lengerie- speak with your husband and find out what he would love you to do together (without the kids) or if there is something he finds unappealing (i.e. stretch marks, baby fat, loose vaginal muscles, etc.)- or, as you and I both desire: find someone who is discrete and willing to make you go wild in ecstasy without disturbing your marriage. Make sure it is NO ONE your husband could ever know. It's usually a good idea as well to try for a man with the same name as your husband, which will remove any chance of accidentally saying his name in the presence of your husband...
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 "I really don't want to cheat". That's funny actually, because that's entirely what your post declares. If you wanted to explore what sex with another man was like, you should have done it before marriage and children. Wanting to satisfy your cravings by cheating on your husband with another man is the worst idea ever. Talk to your husband about the lack of sex, seek couple's counselling but do not ever venture into the zone of cheating. Its inexcusable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): first of all you need to communicate to your husband how you are feeling and how it is effecting you without communication a relationship is nothing. a lot of things can help libido, whether you are not as attractive to him or he has gained weight.. start exercising with your husband or spice things up with some lingerie or pole dancing classes if your really adventurous and feel strong enough in your relationship suggest a threesome if that interests you... bring out a sex toy and make him watch you use it... in my mind under no circumstances is it ok to cheat. get a divorce before you ever cheat.. if you have been cheated on yourself you would know how disgusting it makes you feel and how damaging it is.
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