A
male
age
30-35,
*opele55one
writes:I have a huge dilemma, I thought I could get text one of my friends for help. Alas, I feel so helpless and I didn't know where to turn from here. So I met this guy on a phone app not a hooking up app, he hit me up first. We quickly started getting very close. I know so much about him and he knows so much about me. We talk every single day. He tells me how he hopes to one day have me by his side. We talked about exes just last week, and he told me there's only one he really loved. And he ended things abruptly. He said he was so hurt from it. Well today he was awfully quiet and then he told me via text that his ex (after three years) contacted him and needs his help. I am trying to not get jealous, because we aren't official. However, I don't want to get hurt. And I feel like they could rekindle their romance.I love him so much by this point. What can I do? If I just stop talking to him, I feel like I lose. If I continue talking to him knowing he's talking to his ex, I still lose. This is my final straw with a guy, because every experience has been horrible. It feels like I am destined to be "the other one." I know I am being dramatic, but I need any form of guidance or help. Thanks in anticipation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): You have nothing official, so be on your best behavior. When you meet someone new, don't dwell on discussions about exes.If you meet someone with too many exes, run!!! If you've had too many exes, you have a learning disorder. You've never learned to stop doing what you do, that makes people want to leave.Don't give a long list of how you've been hurt to new people you want to date. If you haven't been hospitalized or you're not taking medicine; you'll grow stronger and wiser. Nobody buys a sick puppy.If you want to date a guy who maintains close-ties with an ex, it's safe as long as the breakup has a life-span well over a year. If they have too many loving things to say about an ex, and keep in daily contact. They haven't gotten over him yet. So you don't attach your feelings too soon. You observe their behavior around each other. Don't exhibit jealousy or possessiveness. Then YOU have the problem, and they'll both turn on you.If the ex tries to come between you, leave. It's a no-win situation. He's clinging on, and will be a major wedge or obstacle in any new relationship. The best relationships start with a clean slate on both sides. Leave your exes in Texas. They shouldn't even be topic of conversation. They're history for a reason.Many gay relationships carry a lot of drama due to baggage they're dragging around from one relationship to the next.You have to stop whining and being so self-deprecating.Be patient when you meet someone new. Gently apply the breaks and coast.Take time to get to know them before expressing how much you feel. Don't let your heart get ahead of your mind. Don't wallow in self-pity, it isn't manly nor pretty.You want to be loved, not pitied.If you're the jealous-type, you'll feel threatened by everyone around someone you like. Low self-esteem makes people feel unworthy, and that everyone is out to steal someone away from them. YOU are worthy of having someone in your life. If everyone leaves you for someone else, that is a personal problem; and it shouldn't be projected onto others.If you approach this guy with a wheel-barrel full of insecurity, you've ended everything before it has started.Don't label yourself as hopeless. It smacks of self-pity and it kills all your possibilities.You haven't lost anything; because you don't have it yet. It is a hopeful prospect, and you should see it that way until you meet and get to know each other.
A
male
reader, LittleMan  +, writes (3 April 2013):
From experience, I know how jealous, jealous can be. It's natural to feel jealous. But, let him do what he wants to do. No one wants to be in a relationship that feels like a marionette show, or one tied to a noose.
I know it really sucks to be hurt numerous times. I really hope that this one goes well for you. Maybe, you should ask him what the problem was about so that you can have some awareness in all this.
But just remember that people come into our lives for a reason, and that the reason we meet wrong ones is to make sure we appreciate what we'll have even more.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Ok you just need to slow down, calm down and take a deep breath. From the sounds of things, you have only recently started talking to this guy and you havent even met him in person yet. I know you think this is love, but you cannot love someone you havent met. You just really like the guy, you dont love him - so stop getting ahead of yourself.
Love only comes when you truly know someone inside out, when you have been intimate with them, when they have looked after you when you are sick and look disgusting, when all the excitement of a 'new' relationship has burnt away and you are truly comfortable with each other.
Love isnt talking to someone over a phone app and finding out information about each other, that is called 'getting to know' someone, it isnt love.
What you need to do is take a step back and remind yourself that this isnt love, yes you like the guy but there are plenty of other guys out there and you dont know him well enough yet for this to be serious.
If he is having issues with his ex, it is best to stay away. I'd send him a text to say that you really like him and would like to carry on getting to know him, but you are worried about his ex coming back into his life so you are going to give him some space to sort things out. Ask him to keep in touch with you if he feels ready, and say you hope that he will come back to you and you can carry on where you left off.
But once you have sent that message, dont talk to him unless he contacts you first. Dont chase him, let him be the one to chase you if he wants you. If he doesnt contact you, well you know that he has chosen his ex. If he keeps in touch (even infrequently) then that is a good sign.
For future reference if this doesnt work out with this guy - dont rush your relationships so much, and dont get so serious so quickly. Take things slowly, get to know someone slowly and dont throw the 'L' word around until you have met face to face at least a few times! I appreciate you have had bad experiences in the past with guys, but your own behaviour is partly to blame, certainly in this case. If you just slowed down, dont let yourself get so carried away and were more realistic with your expectations then you will find you are more sucessful in relationships.
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