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female
age
41-50,
*oxicdream
writes:I am 29 yrs old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 years. He is 32, and since we met he has always lived with his mom. This year , he finally agreed that we should move in, after years of me trying to take our relationship to the next step, I should be excited, but I just do feel like I want all this with him anymore. We have no kids together, He made me get an abortion last year, and throughout most of our relationship he has proven to be insensitive and easily angered. We have had plenty of physical fights, and break ups..but somehow Im the one who begs to have us back!!! Talk about confusion. He constantly breaks up with me and tells me he just wants to be single, I don't accept it, he changes his mind , and here I am insecure in this relationship which only makes me go out and see other people. I've been in about four mini secret relationships with other men , This is just not healthy . I need advice. I don't even know if I love my boyfriend. Or if I just have an issue with someone leaving me, which is why I hold on to him inspite of everything else. Please help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): "We both have made the decision to forget the past and move forward together on a new slate."I'm glad that you feel that you're moving forward. however a word of caution. "Forgetting the past" is not necessarily a good thing or a healthy thing. It could spell danger for the relationship. Conflicts and huge problems in relationship don't just go away by themselves. The patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving and reacting, that led to those conflicts, still exist unless they are faced and worked on and resolved. Deep seated and serious problems need active resolution and working out. "Forgetting the past" often is just a cop-out for avoiding actively facing and working on problems, because it's too much work or too painful. it's similar to conflict avoidance (which is unhealthy for relationships). Especially in a tumultuous relationship where a lot of heartbreak has already occurred and piled up high and there are deep seated hurts, simply agreeing to forget the past and start on a clean slate, sounds nice and good on the surface but often does not work in the long run.I don't mean to be negative, just matter of fact.
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female
reader, toxicdream +, writes (24 June 2011):
toxicdream is verified as being by the original poster of the question***Update***So after all the advice and time really thinking , I decided to have a long very serious conversation with my boyfriend, we layed everythong out on the table, and left nothing unsaid. I learned a lot, and was able to express myself like never before to him. We both have made the decision to forget the past and move forward together on a new slate. I'm actually looking forward to moving in together now and starting our lives together! Thanks for all the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): It sounds like you're afraid to be alone, and this fear is keeping you trapped in a relationship that you don't want, and which your boyfriend also doesn't want. (if he truly wanted to be with you he wouldn't keep breaking up with you and telling you he wants out..)
I think you need to break up with him. However scary it feels, you need to just do it. You will feel better eventually. It's not good to be cheating on your boyfriend, hanging onto him because you're afraid to be alone.
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reader, toxicdream +, writes (13 June 2011):
toxicdream is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice and helping see things in a different light. I appreciate it. @ fish dish, you are right it does feel like its too little too late. Its been a draining 7 years, I feel like I shouldnNt just throw it away, but there isn't much to be kept to be honest. @ Lorinda, he can very well also be having mini relationships out there as well your right, perhaps its a mutual fear of seperation, I don't know. I just really need the courage to let go and move on.@ galaqueen..he is emotional abusive , but more so by telling me he regrets no breaking up sooner etc. Or that I'm dumb ?.. When I found out I was pregnant in Sept. I was happy, it was going to be my first pregnancy ever..when I told him..all he wanted to know was when I was getting rid of it. I stand my own and not allow him to change the fact that I wanted a baby..but everyday since I told him he yelled, told me he doesn't want me or the baby, said that I would never hear from him again. He put me through so much I started to hate what grew inside of me. So I had the abortion. It's obvious he is not the one for me, and I really thank all of you for taking the timeand giving me your advice. Thank you!! Now to formulate a strategic break up..lol.
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reader, fishdish  +, writes (13 June 2011):
 I think that even though you're highlighting here a kind of negative or unhealthy history, it's history nonetheless that ties you to another human being, maybe it's the intensity of emotions and fights that make you feel like you can't just give up after all of what you've been through together. But there's a line you have to draw when you realize that he doesn't make you happy, the tumultuousness of it all sounds very tiring, and you deserve a more stable relationship. and now that you're looking for happiness in other men, you really should consider this the end. It's scary to lose someone that you have been with for so long, and it's sad that it's happening when he's finally willing to show a little bit more commitment, but it sounds like it's too little too late. I hope that helps, and I wish you all the best.
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reader, lorinda +, writes (13 June 2011):
It sounds to me like maybe the two of you are not so good together. Like you keep him around because perhaps you haven't found what you consider to be anyone better...but the fact that you are always looking should tell you something. And I don't know if it has occurred to you but if you have been able to have other mini relationships, and keep it from him...perhaps he has been doing the same thing. When a man tells you he wants to be single, I would generally believe him. Ask yourself what is it that you are really hanging onto...him... because he is so wonderful; and you love spending time together...or is it that it's over when you say it's over, and until you are sure you are really ready...you don't want to be without a boyfriend because that is what it looks like. You really aren't being fair to yourself or to him . Get honest with yourself about how you really feel about him is my suggestion.
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