A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We love each other and have had no other relationship problems, so is it a relationship red flag if I don’t like my boyfriend’s kids from his first marriage much after knowing them for 1 year? They’re 8 and 10 years old, live with their mom and visit him at weekends. I find them totally disrespectful towards their dad, they don’t respect other people’s property or stuff and they never do as they’re told – he’s always got to beg them to do anything. They treat him as if he has unlimited supplies of cash and it’s just buy, buy, buy all the time. There’s always a lot of fighting between the two of them and the stress levels of everyone go soaring because of the uncomfortable atmosphere. We’ve all been away on holiday together once for 10 days – when I got home my mom told me I looked exhausted! After a holiday!I don’t have any kids so I can’t say I’ve got any experience to draw on, especially not kids whose parents are divorced. I don’t interfere as far as rules or discipline are concerned because they are not my kids but I try to help with washing and ironing and tidying up, neutral things to help my boyfriend out without getting involved in any fights. Their behaviour is bad and it’s a difficult matter to bring up with my boyfriend because he’s not going to want to hear how bad they are from my point of view – although he’s said himself once or twice that they do not behave well.I don’t feel able to handle the situation as it is and I’m not sure when or if it will change. Do I have to make special allowances because they’re from a “broken home”? Or should I rather just let the relationship go, accept that it is not going to work out, make up some fake reason and break up with my boyfriend so he doesn’t know I’m doing it because of his kids’ behaviour?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Kids will be kids right? Wrong, kids will get away with almost anything if their parents allow it. Does your bf feel guilty therefore he does not discipline them?You seem as though u just tolerate the kids for your bfs sake? If this is the case, then pack your bags and out of the door you go. Being a 'stepmom' is a daunting task and if u have no time/love/affection for these kids, then better you end it now.Are u sure the kids are as ill disciplined as you think: the reason I am asking is sometimes my kids really grate me. They annoy each other as well and well they sometimes just nag for anything/everything. However close friends/family think they are very well behaved!How old is your bf? What's the age difference bet him and you? Plse tell your mum that 'looking tired' after a holiday is basically normal. I have sometimes come back from a holiday exhausted (no fault of anyone though).Bottom line: do u see yourself in this relationship long term? Perhaps married to him one day? Then a change in attitude and some really warm affection is in order. Sorry, nothing else will do.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 i would not make special allowances. my boys were 3 and 5 when their dad and I split up. they learned that there are some rules at dads, some at moms and a third set at grandmoms. they coped and adapted well. partially since the rules at mom and dad's houses were similar in that my ex and I managed a civil relationship and "co-parented" OUR kids as much as possible.IF the kids are disrespectful or misbehaved with dad it's because DAD allows it.sorry to say... it's not that they are from a broken home, it's bad parenting....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I can tell by your post you're not asking him to choose between the kids and you. So I would speak to your boyfriend and at least give him a chance to talk about these things with you.
If he doesn't see the problem or is unwilling to do anything to improve his kid's behaviour then you're right that it's probably best to let this relationship go. His kids will always be around and it will more than likely get worse when they hit the teens. So if you're struggling now I doubt it will work out in the long run anyway.
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A
female
reader, distantshadow +, writes (4 May 2011):
 You have to accept when you want a relationship with him, kids are every part of him. And he will not choose you over his kids, if you ask him to divide and conquer.
Tell him anyway, tell him reawrding kids with bad behavior is gonna get worse. When they're teenager, oh boy! They're gonna rebel if it doesn't change soon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2011):
 I think when you date a guy with children, you need to realize that they are a package deal. There is no, oh I love him, but the kids.. pffst! They go together. THEY need him to.
Honestly though. Their bratty behavior is your BF's choice. You know the saying, people will treat you the way you LET them treat you?
He is encouraging their bad behavior and rewarding it too. So how are the kids going to know that what they do is not the "right" behavior?
Honestly, if it was me, I would sit him down and talk to him about this. Whether he wants to hear that his kids are brats or not, he needs to know that HE is part of the reason why they behave they way they do. It's not all the ex-wife's fault. They may (or may not ) behave totally different with her.
Also, Having married a man with an ex-wife and a couple of kids, I can tell you this, it doesn't get easier down the road, not one bit. If I knew then what I know now, I most likely wouldn't have married him.
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