A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was diagnosed with cancer last year (September 2010). My initial prognosis was not good as they thought the cancer had spread to my liver/adrenal so they basically gave me a year to live. It seems the tumours in the liver/adrenal are now benign so I've gone from thinking I had a year left to who knows. My chemo has finished, I have had a mastectomy and I'm due to start radiotherapy tomorrow. So, you would think I'd be happy, but I'm not. I'm currently on tamoxifen and I know this is forcing me into an early menopause but the depression is something I hadn't expected and I've just recognised that that is how I am feeling. I'm cranky, intolerant and don't really want to be around people. Here is the problem too. My partner has been through all of this with me and saw how ill the chemo made me. He even cleared up my sick. However, I made a comment that I "must be going on about cancer all the time" to which he replied "you are a bit". This was on a day that I was eventually hospitalised due to my temperature going above 38. The tears fell at that point because that wasn't what I wanted to hear. He quickly back pedalled and said he was joking but that was back in December 2010 and because I'm depressed now, I keep thinking about this and trying to understand whether he has been really there for me. He seems tetchy at the moment because I am depressed and because I'm a bit of a menopausal air head, I can see him getting irritated. If I ask him what's wrong, he says "nothing, everything is fine", so I think I am imagining stuff. Also, we have had issues with him looking at porn ages ago and I can't now let this drop. Particularly as right now I have very little hair and one breast - all he has said is that "yes, it does look funny but it's not long term". I am due a reconstruction in about 9 months. So my long term partner doesn't even like looking at me. I guess he's being totally honest but I feel like I'm floating around in limbo land and my security blanket is not there at the moment. He's fantastic most of the time but I'm wondering if this depression is being caused by him not being completely there for me. Am I being overly sensitive??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): This is like reading something I would have written...it's quite spooky. I was diagnosed in September 2009, had chemo, mastectomy and lymph node clearance (along with reconstruction and expander implant) followed by a month of radiotherapy, a year of Herceptin treatment and I am just starting my 2nd year on Tamoxifen. Wow...written down like that, and having read all the other responses to the question, I think I'm beginning to understand why I'm feeling so down all time and why sometimes my boyfirend loses patience a bit! We have had almost identical issues to you and your partner. The biggest thing for me is that I am scared he doesn't find me attractive any more, though he tells me all the time that he does...and although part of me knows he's not lying, another part of me is saying that of course he's going to say that after everything we've been through in the last couple of years. We'd only moved in together about 4 weeks before I was diagnosed, which was about 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. Before the cancer I was slim and fit with long hair and now I feel like a total failure as a woman. But I think this is a fairly normal way to feel. I hope things get better for both of us...we've come such a long way already. Take care xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): First let me congratulate you on being so honest with your emotions and feelings. My dear neighbour has cancer and she is going through exactly the same thing as you. Please accept that this is perfectly normal to feel like rubbish and to feel insecure, frightened, threatened and awful. I think you are subconsciously testing your dear partner to see if he is going to leave you. Well he isn't. He is dealing with a difficult situation the best he can and he is right there for you! Once the reconstruction is in place get out shopping and buy yourself some gorgeous lingerie and make the most of your new life because that's what it is. It is your old life back but just much better. This feeling of being out of sorts will pass and life will get back on an even keel. Be patient and keep your partner close. There are good things ahead for both of you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 Your depression is not caused by your bf, and he HAS been there for you, the way he can and the way he knows how .
Your depression is due to having battled with cancer, been in hospital,felt sick, having lost one breast and your hear , being faced abruptly with the idea of your own mortality , undergone early menopause and taken tamoxifen which has heavy side effects. I'd say, if you are having some trouble letting your sunniest side come out.... well, it's normal . In fact, most cancer patients get depressed during and after treatment, and I am surprised your doctor did not warn you.
It's true that some times this kind of scares has a different effect on them , and brings out the best in them. I have a friend who went through your very same illness 6 years ago ( glad to say she is still here and doing great ), well , she was sort of a bitch before, always complaining about husband daughters everything- she totally changed personality, she fought like a lioness against her illness, with a strength, a serenity and a sense of humour that we all found uncanny. But these people are exceptions, inspiring but exceptions ; maybe your bf has seen too many made-for-TV movies, you know those where there is always somebody with some mortal illness that ,though, runs the marathon or wins a national dance context or goes to Africa to wrestle with lions etc.
The truth is, sick people are scared, are sad, feel tired , feel blue and think A LOT about themselves. The people who love them, relatives, friends and lovers, know that perfectly and put up with it- to a point : because, after all, all this loving, caring people are human too
and every now and then they NEED a break from thinking about bad and sad things - including their terror to loose you, which you bring back to their mind any time you talk about your hardships.
So , be as depressed as you want - just don't take it too much at heart if your bf some times reacts like a normal, regular guy and not like some soap opera hero.
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A
female
reader, hope_i_could_help  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 Being sensitive is okay coz of your condition but not that long. You should not dwell on the negative things that had happened to you. You should be happy right now coz your supposed to live for only one year but you arent.. Thank God coz of that.
Being depressed is not good for you, it not only affects yourself but also the people around you, your relationships and your social life. Because of that you tend to have negative emotions and depressed atmosphere around you.
Why not change yourself first, be happy, be positive, be cheerful and I know everything will follow. Your relationship to your husband and to other people. Go out more, maybe in your backyard or in your porch, a little sunshine will not hurt, it will be enough to lighten things up. Maybe greet a neighbor, or start your day with a smile, say I Love You to your husband every morning. Then little changes will happen. Just don't give up. If you have nowhere to turn to, there's always God who wants to listen.
Let me leave this passage to you.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
God Bless..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 You have jsut been through medical hell, so honey, from my point of view you can definently be as sensitive as you want! It takes us all a lot of adjustments dealing with serious illness, not only for the patient, but for the people around them.
He could have said it nicer. But I am thinking he is pretty much an honest, no nonsense kind of guy in general? I think you need to LOOK at his actions and not focus on his words. HE is still there for you. That says a lot about this guy. Yes, he isn't very tactful, but he cares about you and take care of you. I think that kind of show that he really is a good guy.
Guys don't like tears, they don't like illness. It's both something they can't "fix". But if you need to talk about the cancer ( I can imagine I would have a million thoughts if I were in your situation). Tell him. Let him know that you just need it out of your head, to vent about it.
~congrats!~ on the tumors being benign. That mean you DO have a long future.
Also, I strongly suggest you talk to your doctor about the depression. Many many studies show that patients heal faster and better if their mental state is OK.
I wish you continued good health!
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