A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To summarise: (1) Met a guy through friends, 18 months ago. Fun, attractive, successful, gift of the gab but some issues as he'd been betrayed after long term relationship.(2) Fell head over heels in love with him and was pleased to hear through friends that apparently he was smitten with me too.(3) He texted and we met up several weeks later. I told him I was leaving my long term boyfriend and he was annoyed that he didn't know I had a relationship. I was annoyed as I had not kept this from him. I was embarrassed as I knew he got hurt from this previous girl in probably a similar situation.(4) Went back to his, kissed, slept together but did not have s-- because I felt he wasn't serious.(5) I texted him the day after and told him I had feelings and wanted to see him again(6) He ignored me but eventually called and told me that he didn't feel anything for me and wanted to be friends. I was surprised at how hurt I felt, but at least accepted this gratefully.(7) We sent occasional emails over next 6 months. I asked him to meet up and we did. If I'm honest I hoped that now I was out of my relationship he might give things a go. (8) I told him I was still interested but he told me he didn't have any feelings for me but that if I was ten years younger he would go out with me and not feel bad about dumping me within six months - but that he didn't want to do this to me. He was quite angry yet I felt he was smirking and patronising me during this, which made me feel doubly hurt and angry.(9) He made me stay in his spare bedroom as I was crying and I basically cried all night then left early the next morning. I felt that I had wasted the last seven years of my life in a relationship and now that I had met someone I really liked, that he just wanted someone younger than me. I felt bitter, upset and humiliated.(10) I wrote him a long email, apologising for my behaviour, telling him that he had made it clear and that I respected his wishes and that I would remain friends although I would probably cool off for six months. He accepted this.(11) We sent the occasional text message for the next eight months and he said he wanted to come and see me.(12) We arranged to meet up at a weekend and although I was a bit apprenhensive as I still had feelings for him, I had decided I respected his wishes and would rather be a friend than lose contact with him.(13) We had a great day, museum, lunch, wine and I felt that he was flirting with me. He asked me back to his to watch a film and I agreed.(14) During the film (and more wine) he made a move on me. I told him not to as he didn't have feelings for me and had hurt me a lot the previous year. I told him that I didn't want him to do this, then 'give me the elbow' again. He said that he wouldn't do this and that he 'had fallen for me'.(15) I decided to trust him. We went to bed and I told him before we had s__ that he hurt me so much before and that I didn't want him to do it again. He told me that he 'had waited a year to do this and that it felt as good as he knew it would'. He told me he couldn't believe I was now living alone and that I could come round the next night, and the next night, etc. We had good s__ and I spent a lot of time pleasing him because I liked him so much and I wanted to.(16) I left the next morning, feeling really happy and excited.(17) Over next few weeks, some texting and efforts on both sides to meet up, although it didn't work for six weeks as we were both quite busy. I had to make the first contact and he didn't call for a long time, but texted that he wanted to go to bed again. I felt that he ought to have made more of an effort or at least called, but I didn't want to appear pushy or too interested or scare him away again.(18) When we finally met up at a match I had invited him to six weeks later, he seemed like a different person. The first thing he said was that he was not available that evening and seemed impatient and irritated by me and I just knew in my heart that he was going to dump me.(19) We went for a late lunch and I said to him that I was a bit upset that I had hardly heard from him and that I was looking forward to seeing him for longer that day, but he said he had to take something to his mother. I think my disappointment was written over my face.(20) After lunch he gave me a quick kiss and literally bolted. That was the last time I saw him.(21) I called him five minutes later and asked him to come back and talk to me. He said a casual 'no'and that it was clear 'things were not moving as fast as I wanted and that it was not making me happy'. I was nearly in tears and I asked him whether everything he said to me six weeks ago was dishonest and he said that 'it had been heavily thought about'. I asked him what this meant and he said 'what does it sound like?' I was speechless and he pretty much put the phone down. I was 50% shocked and in denial that he'd done it and 50% grim realisation that he was hurting me again.(22) He then sent me a text saying 'I want to call and talk, but I don't want to upset you. We need to stay friends!' I texted him back several times telling him that I didn't understand, that he was hurting me and that I didn't want to talk on the phone, but that he should talk to me in person. I did send quite a few texts over those few days and made a bit of a nuisance of myself, but I felt that he should accept that I was going to be upset and want a proper explanation and apology. I asked him several times if I could go to his house and talk to him in person.(23) He sent me a text message saying 'You are p_ing me off! Is it not clear that I am not interested in anything?! I want to be your friend but I have met someone else. Stop bl__dy chasing me!' This was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I cannot explain how hard it was not to respond, but I did not want to get into a slanging match via text, so I have sat on my hands for three months feeling hurt, humiliated and so angry with both him and myself. (24) Since then he copied me on a group fund-raising email but this time I could not help myself from replying and telling him not to contact me again. I said I was sorry but I cannot have any more contact as I had cared about him. I haven't heard back.I feel that he has been so cruel and so unfair, but now I'm wondering if it's me that is mad. I'm particularly angry because I'd cut this guy a lot of slack because I knew he'd been hurt by a serious relationship break up. He knew that I'd just had a similar experience, but it seems he has no empathy for me. Why did he do this to me if he knew he wasn't interested in me or did he think he cared and then just happened to meet someone better in the interim? I feel that I have been denied the right to say how I feel and get some sort of closure on it. Do I have the right to feel aggrieved or do I just think too much of myself and that this is an acceptable way to treat women and I deserved what I got?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Thanks Happiiee. I didn't think this question was still out there, but thankyou for replying. I still haven't made contact or heard from this guy since, but I still think about it all and still feel very hurt. I have no idea what he's up to or if he really did meet the love of his life but have seen some Facebook photos of him, smiling with arms round various girls, certainly looking none the worse for it - makes me feel quite ill. In the meantime I haven't met anyone or been interested in anyone. Had a slight fantasy he might contact me over Christmas and at least apologise, but realise this is unlikely. You are right - he is narcissist sociopath. I also think he has some degree of misogynism after his ex-fiancee betrayed him. I'll let you know if he ever gives me an explanation or an apology! THANKS!
A
female
reader, happiee  +, writes (22 November 2008):
Hi.Yes you most certainly do have the right to be angry and feel used, as quite frankly that is what has happened to you. However it is you that will suffer by letting this fester.Sounds to me as if you were with either a Manipulative Narcissist/ sociopath. The long term reprocussions of having experienced such a relationship are horrendous.The recall memories of it all just go on for a time, with you wondering what you did to deserve such treatment.Believe me. You did nothing wrong. You were just unaware that you were with a Manipulative Narcissist/sociopath.It is very hard to get a handle on it all and move on, but for your own sake you must do that.There are also lots of nice caring people in this world, . There are a lot of players out there.Never judge a book by its cover, people such as you have encountered can act the part perfectly and are experts at doing just .Wish you well. Take care from now on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Thankyou to all three of you for your replies - they make sense and are appreciated. Well, I guess in a way I'm lucky I've got to the ripe old age of 33 before I've been treated like this - and consequently have learned a lot. It's a real shame because I am an open and trusting person who always thinks the best of people and this experience is unfortunately going to change me. I've struggled with feeling like taking 'revenge'. I think the best 'revenge' is that I'm not with this person and hopefully that I won't treat anyone else in this way, just because I've been 'damaged' by this clearly 'damaged' person. Still hurts though...Thanks again - this really has helped. xx
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A
female
reader, epifanatical  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 this guy sounds so f*cked up.. so much so he doesnt really knows what he wants.. and is prepared to use you until he eventually figures it out with no considerations about your feelings.. OMG if this was my guy.. i would really be telling him where he could go.. the first instance of him saying he wants someone younger should have rung alarm bells sweetee.. i mean how shallow is that to say to a woman?.. even his koolness after he sweet talked his way into having sex with you.. my God .. get lost pig.. and good riddance.. you deserve way better than someone like that.. you seem very intelligent and active.. you have every right to feel aggreived .. he played you well.. when he should have realised your deep feelings and backed off.. also you lacked proper communication.. i mean how much can you communicate with someone thru texting?.. you cant sense and feel the emo behind it.. you can only assume their vibes.. effective communication can only occur when everyone involved has clear understanding.. otherwise we are open to all sorts of misunderstandings.. and vagueness.. sometimes.. ppl feed off our vibes and what they learn from us.. project any form of interest or feelings and they see it as a weakness.. (esp when their feelings dont match yours).. which is really sad.. and they hone in to this .. and are able to manipulate their way into our hearts.. however love in its many forms is not weakness.. its strength and freedom.. the sooner we can realise this.. the sooner these mindgames can cease.. i hope you get to experience this.. i wish you all the very best.. :)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 September 2008):
He used you and I'm sorry he did that.
But you need to stop chasing him, it's beneath you to keep spending time on this guy.
Cut him out of your life. If he wanted to be friends then he wouldn't have hurt you twice.
You don't need a friend like him. What do you really get from his friendship? You only text occasionally and go out rarely and then it ends in sex and heart break.
Stop speaking to him and forget him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Cielo_Alice  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 And its best also to forget about him. The way his acting it means that he didn't respect women. He is such a low class man.
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A
female
reader, Cielo_Alice +, writes (13 September 2008):
Hello.
Well first things first you consented to be used by him. You know the answer that he doesn't care for you, why should you care for that kindless attitude of his. Your not stupid, your just blind to see his true color. Well the next time you saw him wear your best dress and smile but bring a tall and handsome guy with you. You could request a friend or so to do a relationship charade.
Its his lost not yours. At least he could see that you are better off than any other woman that he has.
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