A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, thanks in advance for your advice!My boyfriend keeps in contact with his first girlfriend (his ex) of 5 years ago, she's a little mentally unstable, and she treats him like crap. She is disrespectful of our relationship and of him. She demands he talk to her and calls him mean, says he's playing games... If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll text him constantly, yelling at him and calling and calling. He tries to be mr. nice guy and calm her down because she doesn't have much in her life and he wants to be a friend to her. He says he feels guilty for ignoring her in his past relationship when she needed him. I try to tell him that she's his ex... doesn't need him, instead needs to move on from him. He says he feels like a parent to her in some ways, like he has to try to help her out. They've talked about her new relationships so he can help her get through them (she has anxiety problems). Their relationship was really bad when we first started dating, and I saw that it was important to him, so I helped him fix their relationship. She is very immature and has clear mental issues, but he gets depressed if he thinks she's in a bad spot. So, they started talking again, on good terms, but things got bad. She was disrespecting me and him and I told him it needed to stop. I didn't want him to be okay with her cutting down our relationship and it made me wonder why my boyfriend would let a girl do this to him, let alone an ex. He confronted her and she blew up and threatened him (again) but she doesn't know where we live, so we're not that worried. But, He was talking to her when I wasn't around and I asked him to only talk when I was at least home, I felt like he was being sneaky (as he has been in the past) about something. He did it anyway, saying he didn't remember me saying that. Now, I spoke to an ex of 4 years ago, for the first time in say... 6-8 months or so, and he happened to call (it's his birthday) to say hi, we spoke for 10 mins and half of it my boyfriend was present for, and the other half he wasn't. Now he's pissed because he says I have double standards. My reply was that I haven't been in any trouble with my ex, and there's no argument about anything sneaky going on. Where he's been in trouble in the past with this girl AND he's been talking to her weekly. Do I have a double standard that isn't acceptable here? Should I stick it out with someone who is so damaged and doesn't see anyway out of placating his ex so he doesn't have to deal with her flipping out on him? Thanks so much!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 May 2011):
Oh yes, it's entirely doomed. He won't ever let her go, and is now having a go at you over an apparent 'double standard' (it's him with the double standard)
It's either you or her, and he's putting her first far too much.
Please don't believe that this will get better, and don't waste time on this guy. Otherwise in 10 years, you'll realize you've entirely wasted your time on this guy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): (from OP) - I posted this question and wanted to respond to CaringGuy's comment. I appreciate your advice, but I honestly don't think that's the case. He did love her, but doesn't feel it anymore. I know the situation sounds like I'm falling for his ploy, but he's had relationships between us (for multiple years) and feels guilty for in the past when he's been really nasty to her because of that relationship. His therapist told him he has a parent-child relationship because he feels like she has noone else. He's ignored her and let her back in because he thought she was getting better, only to put them back in square one with their arguing. I know it's hard to believe, but I really think it's that he was so codependent with her and has a hard time ignoring her when she begs, and calls incessantly. Please, let me know... if I knew for sure that it wasn't him loving her, does it still seem doomed with us? I feel like he convinces me that he cares deeply for me and just hates being mean to people, which is true in all other areas of his life. I just don't think he knows what to do...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 May 2011):
I'd really like you re-read what you've written here, and then list 5 good reasons (other than you 'love him'), as to why you think you should stay with this man. I will give you five good reasons as to why I think you should leave.
1 - He is disrespectful towards you by allowing this woman to be so intrusive.
2 - He has lied to you about speaking to this woman, and clearly does it behind your back and has done for your whole relationship.
3 - He allows himself to be a doormat to this woman.
4 - He has allowed her to threatened him and you.
5 - He still loves her - that's the only real reason that he continues with contact.
Please, tell me why you should stay, because I think you should walk.
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