A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I crazy to think my brother in law is using my sister? She helped him obtain residency papers, start a new career which led to a 50 percent salary increase yet he didn’t get her anything for Christmas? She was so upset. I didn’t know what to say so I just listened to her vent. He bought a property in his home country this year too. I like him but now I’m becoming suspicious. My sister has NO plans on ever living outside the US.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2021): How long have they known each other? Did they get to know each other well before marriage or was it a whirlwind marriage? Did he live in the US before marriage or did she met him over the internet and helped him to move to USA? How does he treat her overall? Did he buy the property in his country for his family use or does he intend to move there? All these facts are important to know before passing a judgement. The Christmas gift incidend is not enough. My wife and I have been married for more than 45 yrs we stopped buying gifts for each other long ago. It doesn't mean anything for us. We just save the money for our grownup kids and grandkids.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): You left out a lot of details. How long have they been married? If he is a Muslim, or practices a non-Christian religion; he probably doesn't celebrate Christmas.
If he purchased property in his homeland; I would assume he intends to return there at some point. He would have to sign the deed, and other documents. You didn't mention how long his residency documents will allow him to remain in the US.
It's inconclusive if he's taking advantage of your sister. I assume he paid for the property with his own money? He earns more now than he used to; so I guess you mean he used her to get immigration papers. I don't think it's fair to judge him by not buying his wife Christmas presents; but if he knows she celebrates Christmas, and didn't bother to make any concessions, I guess that's pretty rotten of him. It doesn't mean he's using her.
If she wanted to marry him, and maintain their residency in the US; then she would have to help him to obtain his residency papers. If she is always spending her money on him, he's always asking her for money, or she's financially supporting him, because he refuses to work; I suppose it would be safe to believe he is taking advantage of her.
She made her choices, and it's between her and her husband to resolve. Maybe she hasn't made sure he is aware of all your customs and family-traditions; but it's also her marriage. Be supportive, but don't meddle or interfere in her marital-affairs when you don't know things for certain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2021):
 Buying property in his home country can be an investment. It can be for HIS family back home or... he will at some point move there with or without divorcing your sister.
Does he celebrate Christmas?
And how is the marriage overall?
Did she get him anything?
Do they share finances?
Some couples have a "dollar" amount for gifts for each other, kids, relatives, friends, etc. Did they talk about it?
Did she pull an "oh, you don't have to get me anything" when asked? My husband tells me EVERY year to not get him anything - but I ALWAYS find him something I know he needs or wants. It's not hard. There are always gift cards if a spouse is clueless.
It's kind of impossible to guess if he is "just" using her or if he is a cheapskate, an idiot, a bad husband, or what is really going on.
He sounds like an idiot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): I would be suspicious too, but you cannot be sure either way, telling your sister of your suspicious could just lead to worrying her unnecessarily or a big bust up between the two of you as she desperately tries to convince herself you are wrong and shoots the messenger.
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