A
male
age
36-40,
*elvar
writes:I have a sort of complicated situation. I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years and we've known each other for 12 years through the internet. She left me for one of my "friends" about 2 months ago. Her and I still own a house together and she still comes home to me occasionally. Her and I have many common similarities while her and him do not. Whenever she talks to her mother about me, it's always good things. Whenever she talks about him to her mother, it's always bad things.They've had many "issues" come up in this first 2 months as it is. And she tells me that she is torn between him and me. She tells me that if she didn't have an attraction for him that she would date me again. I've already told her I realized the problems at the end of our relationship and have put forth great effort to successfully change them on my own these past two months. The interesting thing is that he does the same things that I was doing which helped to end my relationship with her.Every so often she will come to me for support. It reached a pinnacle last Tuesday where she laid in my lap and hung onto me in my arms. She also gave me a kiss on the cheek, which was the first she's given since all of this. The very same day she told me that i'm always there for her and am able to support her while she doesn't think "he" will ever be able to or even have the capacity for such things. (He's very bland and unemotional.)My question is do I even have another chance here? If so, what can I do? She is always frustrated and I can't really talk to her about the situation because it's always in her mind as it is and is causing her lots of stress (not that i'm not going through a ton of stress either).
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male
reader, Melvar +, writes (17 March 2009):
Melvar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOops, I didn't realize this website was adding responses to the top. My last response is now labeling people incorrectly.. heh.
k_c100, I think you and the anonymous guy are right. I have to distance myself from her regardless of if I want to have her back or if i'm going to be done with her for good. I know that I have much stronger feelings for her than she does for me. And that burns me a lot. But I guess i'm being lead around by the fact that she acts as though she doesn't want to be around him and she knows she's made a mistake.
For now, she's unable to lose the attraction to him (and it's not physical attraction... trust me on this one). I know that until she loses all attraction/interest in him that we could never work on resolving issues. There would always be a chance for her to start talking to him again and who knows from there.
I know that i'm being used or have been used by her as a safety blanket. And I really don't like that. I've told her that I don't appreciate her treating me like that.
At this point though, i'm still not sure i'm willing to give her up completely. I know this goes against your advice here. But as i've told some of the other responses, I feel this could be a learning experience in the end. That is of course if things play out well. I appreciate your response, and it will definitely be in my mind.
A
male
reader, Melvar +, writes (17 March 2009):
Melvar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the great responses and different perspectives. I really appreciate it!I think response number 1 probably hit it on the mark. He doesn't have much of anything in common with her. And so she comes to me and enjoys doing all the things we have in common with each other. Not to mention as you said, being there to support her when he cannot.. I believe that is eventually going to force her into realizing logic. Even the other day she told me that she was afraid she was going to lose a very good person and be left with nothing. Everything about this situation from the start hasn't been very logical. And also, i've had friends offer this advice as well. It's just hard to put it into practice when we own this house together.Response 2, you are right about him providing something I can't. He has a motorcycle, which she has always wanted to ride. I know it sounds crazy and i've asked her about it before. I don't think she would never admit it though. But I believe the motorcycle subconsciously played a part in all of this. She has told me before that she was attracted to a fantasy/unrealistic version of him. In reality he is nothing what she expected. Yet she continues to have an attraction.Response 3, you are exactly right about me being left out to sit by myself. But I see this all as a learning experience. That is, if her and I were to resolve these issues. We both had problems, and while this may not have been the best way for her to handle it.. it is what it is. Also, understand that we both have told each other that we each have a special place in each others' hearts. As I said, we both have known each other for 12 years. And I moved from Pennsylvania to Kentucky to be with her. She is very special to me. But you're right. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't be worrying at all about wanting to be with them again.Response 4, I appreciate your concern for me. And you're right that there is always a chance for this to happen again. But as I mentioned, I would hope that all of this would be a learning experience for the both of us. She's stated before that if she could have turned back the clocks that she never would have done this. However, i've told her before that if there were a second chance that it would also be the last chance. I'm sure things would be difficult for a little bit while we try to work things out and build what we had together again. And if that's unable to be done, then there's nothing else that could be done. Then it'd be time to move on for sure.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 The anonymous poster here is so right, the more you support her the worse it is going to get. The way I see it, she is getting support and comfort from you, yet she has the excitement of a new relationship and the physical attraction to the new guy. So you in essence, are her safety blanket to wrap herself up in when things get tough.
Do you really want to be that guy? She has the best of both worlds at the moment and she wont want to give either of you up. So you need to make that choice for her. You need to walk away from her, get her out if your life completely, she is just bad news.
Look at it this way - you were together for 3 years, and bought a house together. You were both committed and in love with each other. So why would she leave you for your friend? Can you imagine getting together with a new person at the moment? I bet that you cant, I would imagine you cant imagine being with anyone else but her right now. So all this shows that you have stronger feelings for her than she does for you. If she really loved you then there would be no way she could do this to you, that isnt the way you behave when you have been with someone for 3 years.
I dont think it matters whether or not you have a chance here, you will probably never find out what she wants because she clearly has no idea. What you should do is move on from this girl, find someone who deserves you and that will love you just as much as you love them. I suggest you sell your house, or buy her half of it, so that you have no more financial ties to her. Then leave her to her new guy, and spend some time on your own just getting over her and figuring out what you want from life.
I know this is harsh but sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. I hate to see girls messing guys around like this, it happens way to often and the guy will always run around after the girl no matter how much she hurts them.
Do the right thing for you in this case, and forget about what she wants or needs. Put yourself first for once!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): as harsh as it sounds, you need to showing her that your there to support her will probably make your situation worse.
she is getting what she needs from u with out being in a realtionship with u.
its very romantic to think of your love as selfless and unconditional. but make it clear that she cant have her cake and eat it to. otherwise your just a reiable shoulder to cry on.
once that shoulders gone,and she realizs that the only way to get your support is to be with you exclusivly, she may well make a more serious and final decistion.
good luck man
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A
female
reader, AnythingForHim +, writes (17 March 2009):
Ok iam 22 years old obviouly to me she's playing both of you of course but to me it seems like he is giving her something ur not and that's making her unhappy whitch at the same same she does want to be with you cuz you do things for her also. Now my suggestion is she can't can't get the best of both worlds its either all or nothing cuz at the end both of you are gonna lose cuz she found someone else that ties her shoe understand me. Ignore her she's not good for you. You can't love someone and love another cuz honestly it shows that the love is not real.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Sounds like you do yes. But do you really want it? Sweetie, you have to protect your heart! Who's to say she wont do this to you again since she knows that she can so easily have you back... If you do end up back together I would be verrrry cautious if I were you! Good Luck...Jez
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