A
female
age
30-35,
*ntoniaE
writes:I have been in a long term relationship with my fiance over three years, we have had a very happy relationship and got engages almost a year ago. like all relationships, we have had our usual arguments and obstacles (other interfering people) but thankfully overcome them. i have always wanted a baby but instead gone onto further education. my fiance is working and in full time education at college doing motor vehicles. i have studied at college for 3 years now and have completed my level 3 health and social care. im thinking about going onto level 4 and 5 which is another two years and is equivalent to going to uni. he has began talking about having a baby which is unusual for him but he has started putting money by and really wants to go ahead of it. it is possible to work around college and we have child care if we want it. i dont know what to do, im going to be 20 next february and i know my dad would think it is too soon although my mum did fall pregnant at 14 and had me when she was 15. i would love to have a baby, specially with my fiance. im just worried about what my parents are going to say. me and my fiance do live together and are very happy, money can be tight but is mostly fine. i have always just tried to please everyone else, my dad has always said im going to be a failure and that im not daughter of his and nasty things like this. i have always tried to make him proud but it never feels like im getting anywhere. all i have ever done is make everyone else proud even if it isnt something i particularly want to do.do i go ahead and have a baby as it is what me and my fiance want or do i not just because im worried about what people will think and say, specially my about my parents not being happy?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): Someone who's mature and is looking at this from a "mature" point of view wouldn't be so defensive.....
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female
reader, st4rfish  +, writes (27 March 2013):
 I strongly believe you two should be married before considering a baby. The title "fiance" is meaningless. Even with a child, a fiance has no legal ties to you or your child, and can walk away anytime just like a "friend" or "boyfriend." If you and your fiance are ready to start a family, prove your responsibility by getting married.
Even with steady well-paying jobs and decent savings, a child requires much attention. They're not just expensive, they're time-consuming. That's why people take maternity leaves. Can you financially afford to support your family WHILE taking a break from work to give time to your child?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): OP you say your 20 next february...is that to say that you have actually only just turned 19? If you have been with your BF for three years you would have been around 16 or 17 when you first met? you need to be mindful of the fact that many relationships started around the age of mid teens work fine until the age of early to mid twenties when people often start to drift apart. Often this is because of the couple maturing at different rates and becoming less alike as they more away from studies and gain more experience of real life, work, emotions and so on. This can cause people to see the world differently and no longer enjoy the feeling of wanting the same things from life. I think you should wait a couple more years and see where you both are then before starting a family. A relationship that works great between the age of 16/17 and 19/20 might not work so great when your both in your twenties and re no longer planning your future but actually living the reality of it. Best of luck.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2013):
 Sorry for the hiccups.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2013):
Oh and I ask this question because I did adopt the dog. He was given up by his first family because they could not care for him. They were too busy and couldn't handle his puppy energy. They were the wrong family at the wrong time.
Maybe you can admit, just a little bit, that you might not be the right family at this point in time to bring home a completely vulnerable human being, one you can't leave locked up in a crate for hours while you are at school and only feed twice a day and walk once a day?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2013):
Oh and I ask this question because I did adopt the dog. He was given up by his first family because they could not care for him. They were too busy and couldn't handle his puppy energy. They were the wrong family at the wrong time.
Maybe you can admit, just a little bit, that you might not be the right family at this point in time to bring home a completely vulnerable human being, one you can't leave locked up in a crate for hours while you are at school and only feed twice a day and walk once a day?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): my cousin and her BF of four years recently had a baby (it was planned) at the age of 20. She is now 21. Her friends and family basically told her what most of the responders to the OP have said: wait, get into a more stable situation financially and emotionally, gain more experience of life and see how you feel then. In response she said "Im not a kid! im an adult! I know what im doing im mature enough to make my own choice..."The child was born and it rapidly dawned on her "perfect, wonderful, loving" 22 yr old BF that spending the best years of his young life changing nappies, not getting any sleep and having almost no sex life was not for him. He quickly realized he could pretty much walk away so he did. My cousin lost her job and only income and is suffering depression, claiming benefit and is waiting to get a council flat. Sadly, like so many kids these days, the child will grow up on a crime ridden estate, in poverty and having never properly met its father. When me and my friends and GF's were of a similar age the same thing happened to many others we knew and im sure isn't untypical.The same 22 year old girl who got so defensive about her maturity and ability to form sensible, realistic ideas is now up all night, lost her BF and struggling for cash. Oh and her social life is non existant. OP give yourself and your potential child a favour and wait until you and your BF are in a better place in terms of maturity, emotionally and financially.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2013):
Is there some rush? Something really compelling that requires you to have a baby right now, beyond a vague undefinable desire? Is there a prize or an outcome that you expect?
Because while you say "I want to have a baby," I think the really mature and grown up question would be "Would the baby want me as a Mum right now at this point in my life? Is this the best start for a child?"
Of course, many people have babies quite young, like your Mum. What did that get her? A husband that to this day doesn't think you are his. Nice. So she fell pregnant young and as a result you have a Dad you thinks you are a failure. That's kind of a poor choice for a Dad, don't you think? Aren't you the teensiest bit angry at him for those comments and attitude? If he says that to you, what on earth is he saying to your Mum? And maybe you are also just a tad angry at Mum for saddling you with this Dad? That maybe if she'd waited, things would be different.
But of course, you are here and doing well in school and have a nice boyfriend, that's where we are in the present.
I'm going to be speciesist…(spellchecker now going crazy). I just adopted a rescue dog, I had to answer all sorts of questions. Do we own our home? What is our income? How long during the day will the dog be left alone? Who will be the primary caretaker of the dog? Please provide 3 references, including the veterinarians who took care of your last pet. What happened to your last pets, how long did they live and yadda yadda yadda.
I actually became a bit concerned that I would not be considered a suitable dog adopter.
So I will put this question to you, in all seriousness, do you and your fiancee have a dog? Have you tried adopting a puppy, just to get a taste of what that sort of caretaking involves?
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I would wait first til you have finished the last two level of your education and maybe a couple of years after that you get experience in the field. For several reasons. If this marriage doesn't work out, you can get a job that pays well enough for you to make it work as a single mom. I KNOW I know, it's a defeatist attitude thinking OH it might not work, and from some standpoints it is, but from MINE it's being realistic. Also DO it for you. And for those future children.
THERE is PLENTY of time for a child or two EVEN after the ripe old age of 25-26.
Take some time to enjoy your partner, to get married, to GO travel before you settle down with the kids, the cradle and the cottage. There really IS no hurry.
And I may be old fashioned like SVC, but I WOULD wait til you are married to have the kids. Why not? And if it doesn't matter if you are married or not.. then why get engaged? My brother and his (now) wife were together for 15 years before they got married. (They are still together with 2 children) The ONLY reason they got married WAS because of the kids, to ensure EACH other and the kids financially. I know a ring on the finger and some lovely vows doesn't ensure a happy ever after, but I DO feel that people who get married for the RIGHT reasons stay together and make it work.
Also, honey. You could be an astronaut and the first woman on Mars and STILL not please you Dad, so take what he says wit ha grain of salt. I'm guessing he is trying to steer you in the "right" direction according to him. Parents TEND to want better for their kids, I'm guess your dad is no exception.
Think ahead :)
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2013):
 Having a baby or not having a baby because of what your parents want is not the reason to have a baby.
IF you want to have a baby, GET MARRIED and have a baby if you can support a household with a baby. FWIW I’m not Christian or religious or anything else but KIDS WANT MARRIED PARENTS. Look at Brad and Angelina…they keep saying the only reason they are getting married is because the KIDS keep asking. You are engaged already… why are you engaged if NOT to get married. Saying you don’t need to be married to have babies just shows how cavalier your views on procreation are.
If you and fiancé are both working full time and money is tight now what do you think will happen when you have a baby? Does this baby bring money to your home? Quite the opposite, a baby will suck money from your home.
Your follow up whining about how “ageist” we are is laughable OP. To whine that you are more mature than your friends just shows your immaturity. But you won’t get that for another 15-20 years… trust me on that. I got married at 21 and thought I was a grown up. I had my first child at 24 and thought I was a grownup.. Second child at 26, first divorce at 29… STILL NOT A GROWN UP….. I did not become mature and adult in my THINKING till I was 35. My actions.. sure… adult and mature. My belief that I was a mature adult rooted in my then reality… only time revealed how wrong I was. Sadly for me I’m on the downward side of my hill now… and I look back at me at 20 and I am amazed at how many stupid mistakes I made in the name of being fair and getting what I wanted. And I could afford it. Money was NOT tight.
So if you want this baby with a man who is not legally bound to you (and yes OP it will make a difference later one if you are married or not even if you do not believe it will) and money is tight and your education is not done and at 20 your body is not even done maturing. Tell me how mature this is and how is it fair to a child to have parents that
a. Are not married (a commitment to each other shows your commitment to your child)
b. Are not able to support said child (talk to me the cost of nappies, and day care, and medical treatment, and toys and formula, and if not formula, nursing bras and pads, and binkies, and clothes etc) and tell me how you plan to pay for all these things. How much is a crib? Is a stroller, is a car seat ? who will watch this child while you work and go to school?
All you talk about is being mature and what you want. OK… show me how mature you are. Talk to me about the horrid boring stuff. How will you manage to work and function on 3 hours of sleep?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): You only realise how young 20 is when you're older.
Being mature isn't about how you act, just because you spend your money wisely, don't get drunk, take drugs or sleep around and have a full time job and basic education that does not make you mature. Maturity is having life experience, it's having a desire to be in the best position you could be in before creating a child, not just in a "survivable" position.
Do you want a baby, or do you want to be the best mother you can be? A person ready for a child would pick the second option, they would take the opportunity to get their degree so they can have a better paid job so their life is fuller and so that they can concentrate on teaching their child rather than worrying about money.
From the reasons you have given, I do not think you are ready to be a parent. How can you bring up your child to be secure when you are clearly so insecure yourself? Wait until you don't need to ask a load of strangers. This is a lifelong commitment that you can embark on healthily for at least another 15 years! There is no rush.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 In your country , which , if the flag is right, is UK, (and which,btw, is a country where I have lived and which I know well ) the average age for first childbirth is 28 or thereabout. Which says that , at least on this issue, the values and believes are pretty much the same. It's only Europe, I am not that exotic , lol.
Do I categorize by age ? perhaps. In part, it's unavoidable. For every human endeavour. I do think that a 20 y.o. with occasional money problems , an incomplete education , a yet unstarted career , and a tiffy relationship to boot, is not the best candidate to instant motherhood and could very well wait a few years just to be on the safe side and protect her future child's interest. Same as I think that a 65 y.o.person with no previous athletic training and symptoms of arthritis or a heart condition should not run the New York marathon and should limit their physical activities to yoga, or to a stroll in the park.
If this is categorizing by age, I am guilty as charged. But I see it as categorizing by circumstances.
Of course there can be individual exceptions of 20 y.o. girls that would not be biting more than they can chew by having a baby. But from what you have written in the original post, and from your sulky, toys- out- of -the- pram reaction to reasonable perplexities, I really don't know if you could be one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): HI there,
Nobody's putting you down about being immature or judging your maturity here but, to be perfectly honest, when you get older you realize how young 20 actually is. im sorry if that's patronizing but its also true.
I also considered starting a family when I was in my early twenties and got very defensive and felt insulted if anyone suggested me and my partner were too young, immature or inexperienced...im 35 now and look back and realize just how young me and my GF were back then. Please don't take it personally, we are just giving you the benefit of our own experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): I am the same age as you and in the same situation with my boyfriend - however, we are both at university and although we have decided that we do want children, we want them when we can afford them. (25ish). Within your post you are questioning whether you want to go on to further education and say that you can work a child around that. You also mention that money can be tight.If you are questioning what other people say when making personal decisions, then you are not ready. To be honest, if your questioning the decision to have a baby then you're not ready. And do you not think your child deserves a mother who can give all of her time? Can financially support them? Another point is that at our age, we have barely been in the world. Each and every day I learn that there is so much of the world that I have yet to discover. Do you not want to experience the world without being tied to a child? This is our only time within our lives to be truly selfish, to do what we want to do. Would you really want to give up this opportunity to be selfish? Especially when (if you did have the child) that you will not be able to be selfish for the next 80 odd years. It is great that your fiancée is putting money aside, but there are certain goals that should be achieved before you bring a child to the world.You also say that you do not care about marriage before having children, marriage enables you to have a legal lifeline if your other half chooses to leave. I'm not saying he will, but it is always best to protect yourself and the child, if something happened to you, then your child may not be placed in custody of the father.Just consider every aspect of your current situation and you need to decide (without your boyfriend) whether you, yourself are capable of having and raising a baby. Because you never know what is around the corner.
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reader, AntoniaE +, writes (26 March 2013):
AntoniaE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPraps being from another country having different values and beliefs you would feel this way. However arguements and onstacles also reffering to tiffs or small dosagreements that is all i meant. Each to there own opinion! U are very stereotypical trying to catagorise my age into immaturity.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 March 2013):
As you wish. Fair or unfair is a relative concept.
I , for instance, personally find not fair ( to the child ) bringing a child into the world when the parent(s) is 20, still in school, not financially secure , in a couple who already had various " argument and obstacles " still during the honeymoon phase ( first 3 years ) , and the perspective parent is still so basically "daughter" that her main worry in all this is the fear of displeasing dad.
Mature is what mature does. Which often also includes being able to delay gratification without feeling too much frustration.
As for sitting here, I could say the same standing up, but I'd make a lot of typing mistakes :)
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reader, AntoniaE +, writes (26 March 2013):
AntoniaE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of the posters are Ageist here :) You don't need to be put down about being 'immature' You do not know me and if you did you would see I'm more mature compared to friends. I don't find it fair that you sit there and call me immature.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 March 2013):
What's the rush of having a bay at 20 when you haven't finished your education and money can be tight ? ( And, I want to add , your relationship still has to solidify a bit -( " had your usual arguments and obstacles like all relationships do " - no they don't. That's a gross misperception, a relationship needs a low level of conflictuality to last- if arguments become " usual" rather than exceptional , there is a basic issue of compatibility ).
Anyway : you should not be worried about getting negative comments from your parents or relatives or strangers like us, there's freedom of thought and everybody is entitled to have and and express their different opinions. BUT you should be worried that " I want a baby now because I want it " it's not a very mature ,very smart motivation. An adult woman knows how to delay gratification to when all the exterior circumstances are well, if not perfectly, aligned with her desires.
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reader, AntoniaE +, writes (26 March 2013):
AntoniaE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing, marriage before children is Not important to me, i do not have any beliefs that follow this and i am not a christian :) just to clarify! :) thanks for your comments though!
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reader, AntoniaE +, writes (26 March 2013):
AntoniaE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy college course is not all week, its only 1 day a week and i am in full time work already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): The previous answers have basically said it all. Both you and your finance should finish your educations, have steady well-paying jobs, have plenty of income saved up, and be married before you have a baby. Children are extremely expensive! Just ask your parents. If you're truly ready for a baby, you wouldn't worry about what your family or friends would think
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): OP it's very easy to say you can work around having a child and college but ask any young mother student whether they'd have preferred to wait until after college. Do you know any single mothers on your course? Ask them. I had a couple when I went to college and it was unanimous, they'd have gone to college first. When I say single mother OP some of them had boyfriends they lived with too.
OP one of my closest friends is a mother and at college doing her masters she's 25. She'll tell you there is no way in hell she could have gone to college the first year of her baby's life, especially at 19. You expect to have a newborn in the house and go to work and college? OP child care is fine and all but the first year is a bit too soon. There's a reason why maternity leave is so long for women, to allow them time to bond with their child let it grow before they start entrusting it with strangers 5 days a week. Unless you can get family to do it but you won't consult them. If you are going to rely on his family or someone you know for child care, have you asked them or are you just assuming they'll be fine taking a 19 year olds kid off their hands full time while they college?
Now you're talking about trying to do exams, course work, running back and forth with a baby, feeling a bit guilty as many do that their at college when they should be with their baby, having pretty much no social life ever again that is any way free, add to all that stress the fact you probably won't have a good night sleep for months and if money gets at all tighter than it is then you're not going to have too many ways you can bail yourself out as a student other than to let go and hopefully find a job.
OP kids are great, but don't you think if you wait another year or two you can provide a more settled life into which to bring a child?
I mean have your career started, or one of you have a full time job that pays well?
All you're going to do is make life ten times harder in every way until you're properly settled into a career and ready for this.
For the record OP you're not too young at all. You could have one now no bother and you'd be fine. I just think your life will be in much a better place to have one once you're done with college. That way you can dedicate your time to being with your kid, you'll have a lot more money saved, you'll have secured where you will work, because you may have to move cities depending on what field you get into once you're done and where the work is for that. OP there is no guarantee of jobs in most fields now OP, the HSE and other government health care and social organizations are all being cut big time. It might not be possible to find a job there and even then it may pay really badly. You won't be able to just up and go to Dubai or something with young baby, you'll be stuck to wherever that child is going to need to be. You're going to be very restricted.
OP my friend was 20 when she had hers and there's so much she missed out on because of that. She never got to travel, never got to see the world and it's not the same with a child, you don't have any money to, everything will be a struggle because you'll be a broke student with a baby. She can't live from one moment to the next and has no freedom to just do what she wants, she can get quite depressed when she reflects on the things she'll never get to do. The thing with her at 20 is she was fully sure she didn't want to do any of those things in future but guess what she was only 20 and you just never know at that age, hopes, dreams a lot can change.
You have to be willing to give up any kind of freedom as you know it now and become a mother. You're still a teenager, you've been in school 12-13 years then straight into college and you're talking about giving up ever having a life as an independent working adult and all that freedom to become a mother before you've even finished college. That's a serious amount to give up OP, something only a young mother who is in college can tell you. You're best to ask some of them and see what they say OP. There are plenty of rewards to being a mother of course, I don't need to list them as you know them. I'm just not sure you know what kind of sacrifice it really is. You basically go from teenager to mother without ever having the "young adult" stage of life and you're talking about doing it intentionally too OP.
OP if you feel ready to be a mother then you should be ready to tell your parents they're going to grandparents.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 March 2013):
There are a few things in your post that suggest that maybe you two should just give it more time. I think the first most obvious one is the money situation. I think it's easy for people to look at a situation like this, and say that money is mostly okay, but a little tight, but they can just about manage. Make no mistake, a child is very, very expensive! Roughly £180,000 on average until they're 18! So you can see, if you have a child at this age, you need to have one, if not two, very strong careers that are going somewhere. Now, you and your boyfriend are working hard, but neither of you are yet entirely qualified in your fields, and there is a risk that this, mixed with the crap economic issues we're having, that if you do have a baby, you won't have the money. The second thing here, is your reasons for having the baby, and your own feelings about yourself. You don't really seem to have that much confidence in yourself, and I don't think it's a good idea to have a child until you're a bit stronger. You talk about wanting to do the right thing for other people, and I wonder if you want this baby because your boyfriend does? Are you really, really sure that you're ready for this, or is this about doing something for someone else? I think, before you have a baby, you should finish getting your qualifications, make sure you're set up in a better way financially, and also take some time just focusing on yourself and your own confidence. Then, in a few years, I think you really will be ready.
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