A
female
age
36-40,
*ngelika08
writes:Please help! I will get straight to the point. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together total for 10. In the beginning of our dating and married relationship I tried my best to be the best wife I could be. Obviously I know I didn't do things right all the time, but I really tried. My husband on the other hand spent more time with his friends and video games, than with his family. Recently he and my best friend hooked up, now they didn't sleep together, but they did a LOT of other stuff. I thought I could forgive and forget, but I can't open myself up to him anymore. I dont trust him, and every time he wants to be lovey with me, I just feel grossed out. Like i dont want him to touch me or kiss me. Our relationship has been rocky for a little over a year now, and it seems like its just getting worse. At least from my perspective. Do I give up and move on to try to find happiness? Or do i stay in this relationship for the sake of my kids? (ages 7 and 4). Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to give me advice.
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 You stay to make a person who's hurt you happy, because you can't stand hurting him. That's heartbreaking to hear.
This is exactly how I used to be. I let people walk all over me because I was concerned about their feelings. I didn't want to hurt them because I knew what it felt like. It has taken me many years to understand that it you act like that, nobody is doing the same for you. You're protecting everyone else and nobody is protecting you and your heart. Treating him kindly and trying to keep him from harm won't make him stop hurting you, it will only hurt you more by holding you back in life.
You've already forgiven and tolerated more than many people would have put up with. Walking away from this man does not make you a bad or unloving person. All the energy you waste in staying with this man could be so much better spent on loving yourself and bringing up your children to be strong and independent and to love and accept themselves so that they can have healthy, living relationships when the time comes. Try therapy if that is available to you. Divorcing him and learning to value yourself will also free you up to one day find real love with a good, caring and honest person who will want to protect your heart.
A
female
reader, Angelika08 +, writes (17 June 2013):
Angelika08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have tried couples counseling. He is trying to make things work now. But he only started trying when he found out that his friend told me about another time my husband betrayed me. I wanted to leave SO badly then, but I was afraid too. I had a 3 year old and a 4 month old at that time and I didn't know where I was supposed to go, or how to provide my children with what they need. I am not the happy person I used to be, but I feel like I have to stay to keep him happy. I'm am the kind of person who can't handle hurting someone, because I know just how bad it hurts. My stress level is maxed out, I have started losing my hair, and i have anxiety 24/7. I'm scared I'm gonna have a meltdown. :(
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 I agree with you- and with GotIssues. You don't necessarily have to bring down the walls around your heart with your husband. That would be totally discretionary , he can't just expect or demand it. SOME women are able to forgive and forget, some would be .. just grossed out exactly like you are. It's not fair tryng to push them to forgive if they don't have it in their heart because forgiveness is a precious gift , not a right for the cheater.
As for the so called friend- I do't know why do you even bother staying " friends ". What she did is the total opposite of friendship, and since SHE is not the co-parent of your children, you don't even have this justification for keeping her around.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (11 June 2013):
He cheats on you with your best mate then wants you to be open and vulnerable? She thinks it's OK to have a thing for her best friend's husband and to act on it? You don't owe your friend anything. You don't have to pretend that she is still your best friend. You have every right to end the friendship. She knew the risk she was taking when she fooled around with your husband, let her take the consequences. As for your husband, he is right in the sense that it's unhealthy to live your life with fortified walls around your heart and never to let people in, but he's not the right person to let in. He has cheated on you, you don't love him, you need to move out and get on with your life. Save your love for yourself and for your children for now.
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A
female
reader, Angelika08 +, writes (11 June 2013):
Angelika08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. My friend thinks that she and I are just as close as ever. I dont know how to tell her that this whole thing is depressing me and stressing me out SO much. She does know that I know what happened. But I feel like she's had a thing for my husband for a long time. I just feel so betrayed. My husband is trying to make things work, but I dont know how to stop feeling like i'm grossed out. He wants me to be open and vulnerable, but every time I open myself up I get hurt. So I have just built these walls, and I dont feel like taking them down. I dont think i should have to anymore.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Lol to shaving head but the drugging part uuggg. It will not work you mentioned staying for the children not cause you love and care for him. Leave for everyone happines aleast you and the children that what I had to do. I tried that stay for the children it ended up being a mess really. Some people enjoy messy dysfunctional relationships apparently you don't. You already answer this question so caring in with positive actions.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (10 June 2013):
 If your husband has never really acknowledged what he has done and is dismissive of your feelings, then no wonder you are feeling a bit off towards him. Has he really grovelled and apologised over the affair, allowing you to voice your discomfort?? Or has he tried to just ignore what happened? Is your Bf now your ex BF? Please let us know.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I would offer two bits of advice.
Relative to (your): "...I tried my best to be the best wife I could be." It sounds like your hubby DIDN'T try to be the best HUSBAND that he could be. The field is tipped in his favor by your believing that "..being the best wife..." would mean something to him. It, obviously, doesn't... And, as for....
"... do i stay in this relationship for the sake of my kids?..." I believe the concensus is that this is absolutely no reason to stay in an unsatisfactory marriage. Kids: 1. KNOW what's going on.... and that Mommy and Daddy don't get along..... and, 2. are resilient enough to endure your split with your hubby (their Daddy).
Part ways for YOUR reasons... they'll follow along, nicely.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.Did your husband confess to you? Was it a one-time deal? Does he feel any remorse, has he tried to make amends and be a better husband in any way?If you feel any shred of love for him - because of the children - couples counseling is an option.However, if his deeds were too dirty, if he doesn't want to work on things...and most importantly, if you feel you absolutely cannot love him...better that the children live with a happy mother (and visitation from the father) than live with two miserable parents. If you stay with him not out of love, but only for the sake of the kids, they will be living IN a broken home, learning bad messages on what commitment should be and accept the same situation for themselves in the future.As for your "best friend"...I can't even express what I want to say. She needs to be gone from your life, forever. Personally, I'd drug her and shave her head, but you don't need anymore complications in your life.You'll get a lot more advice from other people as the hours go by...good luck to you and your loved ones!
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (10 June 2013):
Never stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your children. You will not be doing them a favour. They will grow up to think that being unhappy and feeling trapped and disgusted by your spouse is normal, and that cheating is acceptable and excusable, which it is not.This is not a good relationship. I think you know deep down that it's over. You were young when you got together and it sounds like your husband never grew up. As for cheating on you with your (formerly, I hope) best friend, that's disgusting behaviour from both of them.Take your children and move out, then initiate divorce proceedings so that you can get on with your life. I know I'm making something complicated and hard sound easy, but you need to start taking steps in the right direction. Don't stay with this loser. Take your life back.
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