A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I split about about 4 months ago. We were having to deal with a lot of pressures in our lives, losing our house, my father dying and a new baby and a toddler (I had post natal depression). We never stopped getting on or talking we just loved each other. However, I found out he had slept with a girl he used to work with 4-5 times while all this was happening as he felt he needed to escape and he was slowly building up to a nervous breakdown. The girl pursued him and he was so weak and vulnerable he gave up on his family even although in his heart he did not want to. I moved up to my mum 200 miles away and he went off the rails. He has been up to see the children a few times and he is devastated and I know he wants us but feels he can't live up here with us and that he gave up because he knew we would of had to move up here anyway because we lost the house and his business and we were so caught up in he did not realise that love and family was the most important thing. He has however still being seeing this other woman but he says he only sees her because she is all he has got and he is on his own. I know what kind of person he is and needs a woman round him and she won't let him go. I think it is me he loves but is so messed up he can't see straight. I want to give it another go and try and be a family and help him again but I am scared he has feelings for her and can't be without her or will cheat again. Should I tell him how I feel or should I move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Will you ever, honestly, trust him again? Don't underestimate what has been broken. I think you could try again of course but it needs to be on your terms. If you can face it you need to see / hear him telling this 'other woman' that its over and him explain he wants to work it out with you. It would be best for you as a family to start fresh elsewhere - business can be built up again. He has shown real weakness and counselling may help you but I would start with making sure YOU are strong (you seem to be)and that things happen on your terms. If, at the first sign of real hardship in a relationship, he is going to go running to another woman for sex (like a baby to its comfort blanket) then I would worry for you that if life takes another turn like that (life has its ups and downs after all) then you are going to be doubly stressed worrying he will be cheating on you. Do you need that on top? He has let you down so badly. Everyone will have their view. Me personally I would not have him back (especially as he hasn't even bothered to give her up - still hanging on to his dummy)but I am not in your relationship. Remember you are not obliged to just because he is 'beside himself'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I think the problem was that he felt ( and I am not making excuses for him) he could'nt turn to me because I was depressed about my father and having just had a baby and he could not cope with that I was all over the place too. I feel much better and stronger having talked with my family and had time to put everything in perspective. I don't know how to go about giving it another go. Do I suggest councelling or do we just talk.. It is difficult because he is 200 miles away with the temptation of this other woman. I just feel if we don't give it a try I will always be asking what if!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Yes, I think a marriage is worth a 2nd chance if he promises to cut all ties with this other woman, and he understands life will always have its challenges, and to face them Together. I would make it clear to him that another affair would definetly end the marriage, because you need a faithful husband to give your love to.
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A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Hmmm.. A real dilemma here.I also run my own business which goes from being great (at times) to being a complete pain and source of unbelieveable stress (at times also). In all the years i've been in charge of running a business, thru' good and bad, there's never been a cause for running to someone elses bed. My wife and i have been married 25 yrs and are faithful to one another..I can understand why he got into this state but it doesn't excuse why he slept with another woman..for my own part when i'm down or stressed or unhappy it's the one's i love who i turn to, not aomeone outside our relationship. I think you'd have just cause for being concerned that he may stray again..but love between a man and wife is a strong bond and shouldn't be discarded lightly.I'd be inclined to give it another go..make sure he's cut off any ties with this other woman, and watch him like a hawk as well as giving your support.If you can forgive his unfaithfulness then you'll have proved that you're a very strong person and can hold your head up with no recriminations on your part whatsoever for having tried...Then it's up to him to be equally as strong..Good luck..best wishes..
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