A
female
age
30-35,
*ollywoodshee
writes:I recently posted a question about my boyfriend ignoring me for the last 2 weeks, well I actually found out why, I have recently been accepted to a really good university which is 4 hours away from our home. He really doesn't want me to go, and tells me if I go he will never hold it against me, but is certain our relationship will fail. I love him so much and don't want to leave him, we were planning on marrying next year, before I applied for uni. Do I stay and be happy with him or go and be without him? Please help me, this dilemma is really bringing me down and affecting me. Thanks c
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): not having a university education will close lots & lots of doors in terms of careers, job, promotions, travel, intersting people. u can't put a value to closing those doors off because u can't relate to them as it is ur FUTURE. u can put a value to your fear of immediate relationship damage because it is ur PRESENT. there is also the option of doing BOTH uni & bf or the gap year ur parents mention. in my view in today's society u would be economically foolish to turn down uni but only u can answer what is more valuable to YOU. good luck
A
female
reader, x-Beth-x +, writes (7 November 2008):
hey I have exactly the same problem as you. I don't think I can leave my boyfriend either, we're so close and spend all our time together as well. But I know I have to go to uni and thinking about leaving him just upsets me all the time because I dont know if we will be able to cope with long distance. I really dont want to have to. I'm scared we will grow apart if we never see each other and that it will ruin the relationship. I don't think he can come with me because he's not in a good job and cant afford it. He's also not learned to drive yet :( hes really upset about me going but he doesn't try to force me not to go. It's nothing to do with being insecure because I know I've found my soulmate and I just can't imagine life without him. Everyone says we make an amazing couple and say they think we'll get married. It breaks my heart to think about this problem. Yet I know I have to go to uni as I have the potential and need to get a degree in order to get a good job because I know I can. I know it's not what you want to hear because I was told, but it's true, you could regret not going and not developing your talents. My boyfriend also wants to get married although he's 20 nearly 21 and im 18. I said after uni we will and he wants to get engaged now but I'm scared in case it wont work out. The only solution I've come up with for my situation is taking a Gap Year and working to buy us more time together and get some money together in case he does get a better job and can come with me to uni. I really feel for you as I'm going through the same thing and don't know of anyone else where I live who is. Your boyfriend isn't doing the right thing by ignoring you but he's probably just extremely upset and scared to deal with it as he doesn't want to think about it. He also may feel guilty if he feels he's holding you back. It's best to talk, however hard the problem is. Good luck I hope you can find a solution xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): i have this problem as well and not sure what to do. But after a lot of thought i realised that if we're meant to be together then it will work even if i am at uni. perhaps it may even strenthen your relationship if you are away and it'll be more special when you see each other. i know you dont wana think about it but if in the future you broke up and you chose him over uni you will regret it for the rest of your life. If your meant to be together somehow it'll work...
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi there - You can still apply the answer I gave you to your updated situation. Same principle.
(by the way, ignoring you for 2 weeks is either sulking or being manipulative).
Despite your comments and your boyfrnds fears, we all know that relationships do last through University. I know of many people who have maintained a relationship throughout Uni. And are happily married with kids, house, mortgage.
My friend's daughter graduated from Leeds last Summer; her boyfrnd who she met while doing A levels graduated from Bristol. They have seen each every holiday. Go and stay at weekends. Communicate on computer, phone, post etc.
How do you think others manage? It's not just Uni. People get posted away in the forces. Careers dictate overseas projects are managed etc.
If your love is as mutually strong as believed then you WILL maintain the relationship. On the other hand, if there are some weaknesses in this love then the period at Uni will find the hidden faults and the relationship will fail.
If your love was so strong and you two really had to be together then your bf would find a way to move to be close to you. You are after all, investing in both your futures.
Having babies and being together for the long haul is far more testing than 9 periods apart for 10 weeks or so. If yours and his love cannot survive this, then what does that say about this love compared to others who do make it through??
If you two are really meant to be together then you will be, come what may.
Take care, Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I totally agree with Irish you do not have the insight of someone with much living under her belt...you are living in denial and fantsy....once a baby comes you will no longer be able to put up with a guy who ignores you for two weeks just because he has some issues with you going off to school, you might as well through those dreams you have in the dumper...and you may end up resenting your child, your life and your boyfriend when life happens to you and it wasn't like you imagined....you sound pretty insecure to me, afraid to be on your own, afraid to take responsibility for your own life, afraid to make your own money and support yourself, much easier to bail on school, be lazy, get pregnant and live off your boyfriend as you won't be able to afford child care on the minimum wage you will be earning with no skills and no life experience, unless you belong to a wealthy family and can live off them, I advise you to think hard about your "easy way out"...it won't be so easy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Well why wasn't this information in your followup, included in the original posting, hun? You ask who can relate to your problem?? I for the life of me, cannot relate. Plainly, to be accepted in a university you have intellectual talent. Use it...babies and marriage can come later. You have been accepted into university where you can educate yourself and have a solid career. A woman has to empower herself, nowadays and have something to fall back on. Guarunteed, you may regret it bigtime, 5 years down the road. Age 18-21 is much too young to be married and having babies. This is time of your life where you should be living on your own, getting an apt, paying your own bills, going to university and opening your horizons. Why can't he move to this town where your school is? This is a guy who loves you, right? So why does he feel entitled to ignore you for 2 weeks simply because you have been accepted at a university? I don't get that type of attitude. To me, it's very uncaring and selfish. Why not just talk about it in the first place instead of putting you through the anxiety of ignoring you for 2 weeks?? To me, you both sound like you have a lot of living, maturing and growing to do.
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A
female
reader, bollywoodshee +, writes (12 February 2008):
bollywoodshee is verified as being by the original poster of the question i have read all the replies to my post, and really do appreciate every1s input, the only thing is people are seeing my bf as being manipulating and selfish. he has told me to go, he even told me that "it's your destiny". he has tried to put me off him, by telling me that he is not worth it. he has told me he really wants me to do well and enjoy me uni life. he even said we could try the long distance, but i have refused not wanting to take the risk. both me and him knowing the way we r believe that it will not work if i go, we are very close and spend all our time together. being apart would just cause him and more so myself a lot of stress. i hav discussed it with my parents, and they have suggested that i defer my entry for a year and hav a gap year gaining work experience. the truth is i want nothing more than to marry my bf and have a baby asap. if i go this won't happen and i dont want to be without him at all. can any1 relate to me?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Most universities allow students to have visitors at their accommodation 2/3 night a week. You could take it in turns to drive/train up and down every other weekend. A friend of mine has managed a long distance relationship between the UK and US for the past year and that is with both of them having children and full time jobs - they simply take it in turns to visit every few weeks. You are both in the same country and your family homes are in the same town, from what you say? Why is he so sure your relationship would fail if you went to uni? Have you asked him why? Sounds like he is being manipulative because he is disappointed about your plans being thwarted and he is scared of losing you. He should be happy for you and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Maybe he won't feel safe in the relationship until you are a married couple? Either way, he should not begrudge you the chance to get a degree and should not try to stop you by saying that if you go ahead your relationship will 'fail'. There is no reason why it should fail - I would ask him why he thinks it will 'fail' if you go to uni! Put him on the spot! And meantime good luck with your degree it will open so many doors (which is probably what he is scared of due to being insecure himself but you can't deny yourself an opportunity because he is insecure). He can still be by your side whilst you take this part of your journey in life.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Oooops... just picked up on this bit...
"I recently posted a question about my boyfriend ignoring me for the last 2 weeks, well I actually found out why"
This is out of order and perhaps you are better off out of this relationship? Maybe he's hurt and trying to distance himself in preparation for you going off to uni?
My EX was planning on going off to uni while we were together and I supported her. I wanted her to follow her dream - there's no way I'd stand in her way of something so important to her. I still hope she's going for it even now we've split up to be honest.
You only live once and you got to do what YOU want!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (11 February 2008):
I'm sorry but I have to say as I read some of these replies I get the impression people on here think your boyfriend is trying to hold you back.
I'm more under the impression that he doesn't want to lose you but won't stand in your way if it's what you really want. As you put it: "He really doesn't want me to go, and tells me if I go he will never hold it against me, but is certain our relationship will fail".
I get the impression he is worried and genuinely so. I don't get the impression he's trying to control/manipulate you but then I don't know him and your situation as well as you do.
My girlfriend at the time really didn't want to lose me and I chose to stay. She didn't force me, or put any pressure on me, I made up my own mind and I have to say even though we broke up about 5-6 years later I don't regret my choice at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): I'm sure the university was selected for good reasons, and not going would be just as painful as breaking up with you boy friend.
Have either of you spoke since he found out you were accepted? Have you discussed the issues, such as what do the two of you do when your apart? Phone calls? Emails? Visit on weekends? I'm sure he feels like he might be loosing you if you go, and just needs some reassurance that your still dedicated to the relationship, even though it will be tough for 4 years or so.
Communication is very important. Of course, if he refuses you to go, then that would be selfish on his part, for after you graduate, the benefits of your education, you'll both get.
You both need to talk it out, and make compromises, such as keeping in touch. 4 hours away isn't that bad. With good planning, you both should be able to work it out. Maybe he should take some classes locally to improve himself so that he can move up the career ladder to.
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A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Hey darl,
I don't think he respects you enough. Imagine, if you do forgo uni and end up married, what it will be like. You might try and get a job but then he makes you choose between him and the job. This pattern might continue for the rest of your relationship. He has insecurities. You should definately discuss this with him. Explain to him the dilemma he has put you in and how it makes you feel. Even show him this webpage. Make sure you talk to him though. Don't let this go unresolved.
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A
female
reader, sweet22 +, writes (10 February 2008):
i'm sorry but its plain and simple, he obviouly does not care about you enough. you sound like your doing very well and you should be happy and proud of yourself, don't let him put you down. he really isn't worht it! also what is he doing with his life? certainly do not forfeit uni to stay with him, you will regret it, especially if you split within weeks or months even years you'll be stuck, or left behind your life is more important, an if he's indirectly making you choose he's not worthy. he didn't even have the decency to tell you why he was angry with you or not talking to you. if you want you can talk to him to get it off your chest, personally i wouldn't bother. good luck!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (10 February 2008):
Hmmmmmmm difficult this one. I can relate to this completely since I forfeited going to university when I was 18 since I was completely in love with my first ever girlfriend. I got a job after my A-levels and we were together for 6 years before splitting up as we grew apart.
I then decided to go to uni as a mature student and whilst I had an amazing time it wasn't really for me and I returned to work.
Having said this, whilst I was at university every single person, boy or girl, who was in a relationship when they started, wasn't after a few months. At uni you meet new people, hundreds, maybe even thousands and you all go out and socialise.
However, if you and your boyfriend really want it to work then it can. In my experience though it's not likely since a) the 4 hour gap would mean you wouldn't be able to see each other as much (unless he moved to be close to you which is a huge risk on his part); b) whilst you'll see each other less you will be socialising with hundreds of new students.
At the end of the day you've got to do what you want most.
My sister was at uni when she met her boyfriend who didn't go to uni, was about 10 years older, and lived about 3 hours away by car. They kept the long-distance relationship going for about 2 years before moving in getting married. Now they have a house and have been married for about 5 years or so.
So there you go. It can work and does but you BOTH have to really want it in order to succeed.
Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (10 February 2008):
Hi C. Maybe I can help you decide for yourself:
Imagine a mother who stopped her child starting school at age 5 because she loved the child?
What are the reasons the mother would do this?
What are reasons why the child should go to school?
Imagine that same child in twenty years time after the mother prevented the child from going to school?
How do you think the 25yr old grown up child feels?
How do you think the mother feels?
What sort of relationship might exist between them?
Taking a different approach now, imagine writing the letter to the good university telling them honestly what you have decided to do and the reasons for it. Try writing the letter.
And a different approach again. Lets say you do what your boyfrnd is really asking. Then next year he has the opportunity to go away and develope himself, maybe a post or project somewhere. The precedent has been set though, for both of you. Of course, it's only fair that he turns it down as well, and I'm sure he would. And other opportunities that come your way in the future. You two will always know the answer.
Now lets look at the two of you, in 5 and 10 years time. How fulfilled will you be as human beings? How will other people see you?
If you are not sure what effect it has on someone who has been prevented from reaching their full potential see if you can find someone and ask them.
Good luck with your choice, take care, Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Please, please don't give up your chance to go to university - I really believe that you will regret it if you do. If your relationship is meant to work out then it will survive the distance. If he is not willing to try and be with you whilst you go to university then he doesn't want what is best for you and you shouldn't be with somebody like that.
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A
male
reader, BadVoice  +, writes (10 February 2008):
Don't be a fool! This guy is playing you. If he really cared for or if he really loved you, then he would support you going to the University and he would support you the whole term you are in the University. 4 hours is not really a long way away. I would go to the University and get my studies. This guy is not worth it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Your question resonated strongly with me personally. Oh my goodness NO NO NO please don't let anyone stop you from taking up a place at university!!! I speak from so much personal experience here. I was offered a place to study law at a top university and my ex partner tried to thwart it but I did it, got through it and did well and I don't regret it for a minute. Later on I met another man when I was studying for my masters degree also in law and because of all the stress that was going on in that relationship i fudged up the second year of the course so i now have half a masters degree!!! I really really regret this. I now have a good job and about to start a phd and I will not let anyone stop me from doing this. If he really is the man for you, you will be able to manage univ and being with him. What I would say to you is that any male worth anything will support you and be proud of your achievements. There are such things as trains and planes!! This gives of warning signs that he is possessive, jealous or insecure, perhaps he is threatened by your academic success or worried you will meet someone else. My own daughter is at univ now and she would not swap it for the world, not for any man and her current boyfriend, although not at univ himself, totally respects her decision to devote time to studying even thought it means he sees less of her. Any man that goes out with her must accept that she is at univ and will complete her degree. Congratulations for gaining a place at univ you are still within a privileged minority as many people would love to get to univ but never do. Please I beseech you do not let any man stop you from doing this or you will regret it forever. If he loves and respects you, then between you, you will find a way to maintain the relationship AND succeed at your studies. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but really, stick with your course and don't anyone rob you of this opportunity. You could try to explain to him that you want to make things work and if he does not see your point of view then he is being very immature and limited and not respectful of you. What if you give up your degree and he dumps you later??!! And if he can't cope with your success there will be plenty of other guys who can! Good luck. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Oh gosh, forgot to put my glasses on again...lol :)Please makes the following correction.
Change the statement
"keep you from excelling in love."
to
"keep you from excelling in life."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): No, you do not stay with him....plain and simple. He's manipulating you and that in my books, is a form of mental abuse. And you want to marry this guy? Yikes! Listen, if this guy truely loved you, he would be encouraging you to go to university and accepting /respecting that you want to get an education and career. He's not doing that. There are couples all over the world that make long distance relationships and are in universities, even continents apart, and their relationships work. Why? Because they commit to each other, they understand what sacrifice means, they are supportive, devoted and their love for each other knows no bounds. Your says he loves you but that doesn't mean he 'owns' you. This guy is very self-involved and it's all about him. So get your eyes opened up to what is really going on.
Look at this way, you will need a career and good education to empower your earning potential, because if you do marry this guy....the marriage will eventually hit walls, because of his possessiveness. And when the daily stresses of career, kids, car payments, houses mortgages, hit you both.....your senses of committment , sacrifice and support will definitely be needed to make this work., in the happiest way possible. He doesn't have what it takes to be with a independent, strong career woman. Get over him, and realize what he is doing to you. Heal recover, and get going to university, girl. You will never, ever regret it. A whole new world will open up for you there. Tell him today..that you are going and if he chooses to walk, then so be it. But don't ever, ever allow anyone, who claims to love you, keep you from excelling in love. He should be in your corener all the way, hun. You have a heartbreaking decision to make, but do what's best for YOU and your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Of course you do not stay with him and forgo going to university...this is your life's goal and anyone who would emotionally blackmail you by telling you that if you go away your relationship will fail does not have your best interests at heart. I am sorry to say that you may be making a mistake planning on marrying so young, most marriages between 18 to 20 year olds do not last due to immaturity of the partners....you both have a lot of life to live, and you would be unwise to put your life and career goals in the dumper to keep someone around who is insecure in your relationship...it will be a big mistake and you will end up resenting each other and the relationship will most likely fail due to that....Keep with your original plan of going to school and tell your boyfriend that you don't want to leave him, but that you have bigger plans for yourself and hope that it may afford the both of you a better life in the future if he still wants to be a part of it, if not, let each other go with love and see what the future holds for you. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, singlemomfindslove +, writes (10 February 2008):
 If he really loved you and wanted the best for you, he would stand by you. Those that love us want us to follow our dreams and will do whatever it takes to be apart of them. You shouldnt let anyone get in the way of your education. Loves come and go as you grow and when mr rigt comes he will follow along with your heart where ever you are
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