A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long term relationship for 9 years now - with all its ups and downs. We've bought a house together (not married, no children). I was a pretty straight edge person, until i met this other guy. Also in a 10-yr long relationship, the attraction was instant. We work together and we clicked straight away, but it took 18 pain stakingly months before anything happend, as we have always been faithful etc. The connection is crazy, both mentally and physically. We indulged in the physical for a few months and then we called it off because we felt wayyy too bad (and rightly so). Now we're just gravitating around each other, and the feelings are very much still there. We both try to be logical and stay away from each other, but our actions speaks louder than our decisions. He seems very adamant that this is a "side" thing and so am I, but I wonder if we're too scared to think of making a step? Our attentions for each other go way beyond flirting: he remembers anything ive ever said, he tries to impress me... i think of him constantly.The biggest thing, though, is that whenever im with him i feel truly, truly, happy. Im ridden with bad anxiety, but when Im with him... I smile. I really smile.But. I dont know if i'm caught in a late teenage romance, or if something is there and we're just too scared... I've never been here before, I don't know if this is an irrealistic feeling. I am lost - I don't wanna suffer for this anymore, but I wouldn't want to throw this away if there is something...
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (28 July 2020):
 I agree with everything Honeypie says. As usual, she is right on the mark. I do want to add one thing that I have learned over the years in regards to men. Men normally say what they mean and mean what they say. They don't usually play around with words or play little games like we woman sometimes do. If he told you he thinks of what happened as a fling, then that is what it is to him. Don't read more into what he says. Odds are you are a distraction and he has no intention of making you anything more than that.
Let's flip things for a moment...how would you feel if your boyfriend was messing around on the side??? I have a strong suspicion you wouldn't like it one bit. You aren't being fair to him OP. If you're bored, the relationship has lost the spark, then be kind enough to end things. Keeping him around "just in case" isn't fair or kind.
One more note--I'd be real careful about having an affair at work. They don't normally stay secret very long.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): Here's a French saying: everything passes, everything fades away.
Being in a relationship and loving someone is a decision, one that needs to be made every day.
I understand that life is messy, but it's not about what happens to us but how we react.
The trouble with cheating is that old saying "I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me for a member". Cheaters cheat.
So... my question for you is: why do you even have a dilemma? He told you what HE thinks your relationship is.
How do you know that he had been fateful to his wife before he met you? Because HE told you so. And of course he would say that, it's more romantic than saying "I'm a cheater" - which you already know he is, "and you are just one in the line" (which there is a possibility you are).
What you are saying is that you are not happy in your relationship, otherwise you would have never risk it?
Face it. You don't really know this guy. He's been putting a nice face for you because what you have is casual. He doesn't get to share anything with you and you have zero obligations towards one another. Why wouldn't he be nice? He's getting to eat his cake and have it too.
But I repeat there is one thing you know firsthand about him - he's ready to cheat on his partner of 10 years and have someone "one the side". That's what you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2020):
 What it is - is STUPID.
You are BOTH committed to someone else. You are BOTH cheating. Maybe what YOU need to consider is your OWN behavior here. How is it OK for you to cheat? Because you "just can't help" yourself? Because that is flipping bullshit.
If you think this man is a better fit for you than your partner you REALLY need to let your partner GO so HE too can find someone who is better fit for him. Not string him along emotionally and financially while you "play" outside of your relationship.
The HORNY coworker has already told you.... THAT all he wants with you is a fling. LISTEN to what he says. IF he thought that you two could work out, he probably work towards that. But he isn't. You are both morally bankrupt.
He is escapism from your relationship that has become a little stale and routine - it's fantasy. With him you don't have to worry about the house, bills, shopping, cleaning all the daily MUNDANE things that becomes the norm in a long term relationship. This is new and shiny, and it makes you FEEL good. So does ice cream. Doesn't mean you should eat a gallon a day. Doesn't mean it's GOOD for you.
MAYBE you feel less anxious because you aren't really worried about the mundane things, you are caught up in a fantasy.
How would you feel if your long term partner pulled a stunt like this BEHIND your back? My guess is you would be LIVID!
Instead of being so self absorbed, consider what you WANT in life. Right now you are choosing instant gratification because it FEELS good. To you. But you are NOT single. You ought to consider HOW your actions affect your PARTNER too.
Time to grow up.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 July 2020):
 I take it that his situation is the same as yours, 10 year long relationship, not married no kids?.
I think that if you continue this with him then things just are not going to end well.
You are both being unfaithful to partners that you have shared the last decade with, and really its your partners that I feel sorry for.
I think that the feeling that you are having for this colleague is infatuation, lust, and these emotions tend to be short lived and don't last forever. You could both leave your long term relationships, start up something with this new guy, and a bit further down the line you could end up feeling like this was a mistake.
If it was reversed, how would you feel if your partner was at it with someone he worked with?. well I'm sure you would be devastated. And with all things in life, what goes around comes around, and acts of unfaithfulness and deceit can often come back and bite us on the bum.
The guy at work said this is just a side thing, so I think that he does not want to take things any further with you.
Also the pair of you work together, have you thought about the complications that this may cause if you carried this on further. I'm sure co-workers have noticed the pair of you flirting together.
You say, " he remembers everything you say" " He tries to impress you" this sounds like something that resembles being at school, not in a professional work place.
With your current partner of 9 years, if you see a future with him, can you progress in the relationship knowing that you have been unfaithful to him with someone else. If you eventually married him, could you look him in the eye at the alter knowing you have an unclear conscience. Well that is between you and how you feel really.
I think get over this crush, this lust for the other guy and come clean to your partner about what has happened, and let the chips fall where they may.
Honesty is the best policy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): It is unrealistic if one or both of you are in a committed relationship already. If this had any chance of success you would both need to be free and single - totally.
When a person who is in a committed relationships falls for another and really wants them they end the committed relationship.
Side relationships - sex things - are not meant to be serious, not meant to entail responsibilities, promises or anything ongoing, that is the whole point of them. Once you start longing for them when you are apart it has changed into something it was never meant to be. The other person rarely feels the same way.
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