A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I trust my wife, but she had an encounter years ago that I still question. I've been cheated on in the past, not by her, but my ex so I think that makes it harder for me to trust anyone.Anyways, she had a coworker whom she trusted like a brother. She went out with her girlfriends, which was a common occurance on occasion.While out, this coworker came to the bar and she gave him a hug and half sat on his lap at the bar for a couple of minutes, while they caught up then she left to her girlfriends again. Ok, so you are wondering how I mean she sat on his lap, half standing half sitting, her feet where still both on the ground, but there were no other seats to sit on. She saw no big deal in this as their friendship was plutonic. I guess he thought elsewise.The night rolled on and the music was loud in the bar and about 20 minutes before closing time, he asks her to talk. They can't really talk there so they step around the corner and my wife is tipsy and didn't catch it right off the bat that he was leading her to the men's bathroom. When she realizes, she says she needs to go. He says just a minute, let me ask you something. He is between her and the door now, blocking her.He asks her "When are you getting a divorce? And when you do, will you give me a shot?"To avoid conflict, she says "I am not getting a divorce, but if I did I would give you a shot, now I must get out of here I am very uncomfortable."He blocks her and says how about one kiss? She says know and pushes by him and tells her girlfriends they must go, which they do.Well they are driving and one of the other girls (who is also a co-worker of this guy) gets a text message saying, "How's the drunk?" Then this guy follows up by texting a picture of his penis to her.Well, my wife told him off and was not going to have him fired or anything, but then she goes to work and everyone starts asking "You are getting divorced?" and her manager even heard things and comes to question my wife and my wife tells the entire story.Well the manager, terminates this other guy, not just for this inceident, but other issues as well.I trust my wife's accounts of the event for several reasons:- she came and told me completely unsolicited right away- this guy wouldn't be her type in a million years, she is a person who prefers clean cut white collar types, this guy is pierced tattooed all overBut for some reason I still wonder, I guess it's cause I wasn't there and the fear of the unknown. This happened probably 2-3 years ago and she hasn't even crossed this guys path in almost 2 years. So my question is drop it, or ask any questions that I still have?
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female
reader, supermum  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 if you have questions rattling around in your head, they will only get worse, so DONT drop it. But, you need to word yourself carefully so as not to offend your wife. Sit her down when she is in a good mood, and start the conversation with something like "i trust you completly, with everything i have in me, but i still have some questions i need anwering for my peace of mind. Please dont be offended, or think i dont trust you but...." and name your questions, or even, show her this post if you dont want to say it out loud.
If you keep quiet, you will end up taking your frustrations out on her in other areas of the marriage...
Please, be careful how you word it though, you have to do it in a way that shows you do still trust her. xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): I'm just out of a similar situation. I suggest that you consider the following. First, your wife may have grown and learned from that bad experience. Perhaps she realizes that she made a mistake and is therefore less likely to allow it again. Good thing? Maybe! Second, ask yourself if you've even made stupid mistakes, or regretted anything that you've done, especially if you've done stupid things that hurt your wife. After that, perhaps your negative judgment about her might be tempered. Third, if there's anything bothering you - anything at all - then you owe it to yourself and to your wife to tell her. And she owes it to you to listen, understand, and discuss it. You might find that by discussing your fears with her, and listening to her response, that you'll become more comfortable, and your relationship will be stronger, i.e. you'll trust her more. So, I advise against "dropping it". Instead, tell her about your worry and ask her to listen and help you with it.
If you tell her how devasted you would be if she cheated then it's slightly possible that she might be slightly inclined not to cheat on you - or at least to be careful not to get caught. And finally, if she does cheat on you, it's because she didn't get the love from you that she needs. So, continue to pay attention to her. Make sure she is alway welcome to come to you. Tell her - and yourself - everyday that she's the woman you love forever.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Continuing to question will only hurt her and make it evident you don't completely trust her.
If you can't let it go, then the problem will not go away and your best option is couple's therapy to work out any trust issues.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 January 2010):
Drop it. She was entirely honest, and entirely faithful. I don't think anything happened at all. You know all there is to know. If she had been having an affair, she would have gone. You have nothing to worry about. Trust her and love her.
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