A
female
age
41-50,
*ritpop
writes:Should I tell my fiance what I know, or leave it? OK this is a bit convuluted so bear with me. I met my fiance James through a friend from work called Lisa. I knew Lisa for a few years before meeting her friend James and, as you do at work, she used to tell me things about her friends. James used to go out with a girl called Sarah who Lisa didn't like, as Lisa knew that Sarah was being unfaithful. Eventually, Sarah cheated one too many times and James kicked her out. I met James the very next day and whilst not an ideal time so soon after his split, we fell in love and we took it slowly as I didn't want him to be on the rebound. I therefore was in a difficult position as I had to be patient while he got over Sarah, which he eventually did and our relationship blossomed. Lisa had told me before I met James that a friend of hers had told her that James' ex, Sarah, had had a fling with one of James' best mates, Dan, who is married. I had also kissed Dan, who did not let on was married at the time. When things got serious with James, I told him I had kissed Dan before we met and also that Lisa had told me about Sarah and Dan but that was all I knew. I told him because he really puts a lot of weight on honesty and I didn't want anything to come up in the future where it appeared I had held things from him. James was really upset and thought that all his mates were laughing behind his back and knew what was going on with Sarah. He approached Dan about it and together they decided that Lisa is a bit of a "shit stirrer" and James did not really believe it, so I left it at that as I felt I had done my bit. However, now James and me are getting married and Dan is playing quite a major role in our wedding, as an usher and James is treating him like a really good mate. I can't forget what Dan has done to his so called mate and also his own wife. When Lisa first told me about the affair, I assumed it was third hand, but she recently told me that she heard it from both Dan and Sarah. Part of me wonders whether Lisa is trying to cause problems in my good relationship. Whatever happens, I love James and if he wants to be mates with Dan that's fine. What concerns me is not what has gone on in the past, but whether Dan is a good mate to James. I am also now friendly with Dan's wife and she knows nothing of this but I think she prefers to turn a blind eye. Do I dig and dig and get to the bottom of it all, or leave it for an easy life?
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affair, at work, fell in love, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Britpop +, writes (24 June 2010):
Britpop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you agony aunts, I will leave well alone, and actually found writing my problem therapeutic and that in writing it I found myself think I need to let things be.
A
female
reader, Britpop +, writes (24 June 2010):
Britpop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your lovely answers people, it was one of those that I feel I answered myself as I wrote my problem, know what I mean? Sometimes you don't realise til you voice it, even anonymously and in the cyber world. I have also confused myself by changing people's names to preserve anonymity. I will leave it well alone.
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A
female
reader, angelpie +, writes (9 June 2010):
dont dig, instead focus your energy into friendships that you and your husband to be can involve yourself in that are not questionable.
this man is likely to be a cheat if you trust your friend. a husband with a friend that is a cheat is a discomfort to any wife. talk to your husband , tell him your unsure of dans character because you trust your friend, see if he reasurres you. you will feel better .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Whatever you're thinking about doing, don't do it. I don't know what you're thinking, but nothing good can come from this? What is the best case scenario here? Where is the possible win? Regardless of what you do or what you find, you will come out of this looking very bad. Imagine if you find his friend did cheat on his wife with his ex? Even if you can convince people that you're not making this up (they will accuse you of this), you will have only succeeded in driving a wedge between your man and his good friend, and breaking up someone else's marriage, which you had no business sticking your nose into in the 1st place. Do not, I repeat DO NOT go digging. Just enjoy being with your man.
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A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 MMmm yup this is a bit of a twist ...So what I am understanding is your biggest concern is whether Dan is really a good mate for James? Can you allow James to figure this out for himself? You have told him what happened between you and Dan and he knows about Sarah and Dan whether he chooses to believe it or not is up to him You have nothing to hide now and you definately did the right thing by telling James about you and Dan. I think it is best to be left alone Side dish:I think Lisa likes to talk alot and involve herself perhaps where she shouldnt And I'm also wondering if all breaks open how Dans wife will feel about the kiss shared between you two that may put a wrench in the friendship wouldnt it? What's important is the honesty between you and James and Dans true colors will come out to his friend and his wife one day but I dont think you will enjoy being the one that does it!
Good luck with your new partnership ...I choose the easy life although nothing is ever really easy :)
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Leave it alone. You do what you needed to do and that was being honest with the man you are going to marry. Going any further is going to just make you look bad for stirring things up. Be happy with your husband, enjoy your life together. You can keep an eye on his friend if you want, just do it from a distance. Your soon to be husband is a big boy and he can take care of himself. If his friend starts to betray him in the future, then you can do something about it.
It's not worth obsessing over this and letting it take over your life. Be happy with your man.
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