A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone, I really hope you can help.Little background;I have a little boy whose two in July. His Dad and I separated when I was 16 weeks pregnant, we'd tried over a year to have our Son, engaged, had been in our 'forever home' a little over a year, together for a decade, he was my best friend. He however fell for somebody at work. It hit me hard, very hard, looking back, we were merely living a routine, and two years on, im happy that he is happy. If he's happy/they're happy, then on the days he has our son, our little boy will also be happy.Things haven't always been easy with his Dad/ we had a lot of issues with selling our home, not to mention he will never let me meet his new better half, but at this point now, I no longer hold all this upset, and hurt inside me. It no longer feels as though my heat will explode in pain. Don't get me wrong, some nights I do still get upset, especially when I see how happy my Son is with his Dad, how happy he is if he sees a pic of his Dad, but I always remember that though he no longer loves me, he cherishes his little boy and that's all that matters. My question however, relates more to my lovlifw, however I feel I need to give you the background a little bit so you can understand me a little more. A guy I went to Uni with (I'm now 28), I reconnected with after me split with my ex. He is a genuine, lovable person, who genuinely always cared and would do anything for anybody (albeit many at uni tried to use this to their better nature). For the last year we have caught up, had many dinners ( there's two hour distance between us), and he has admitted he has fallen heavily for me (this around 8months ago). Around six months ago, we tried to make a go of things. I felt ready, that I was finally at a better place and had finally stopped caring about my ex and felt ready to date. The hurt had finally begun to subside and I could feel the weight lifting. I met his mum who was so lovely ( we had ffood and lots of wine/girly chats) , me and him spent time together making memories, not to mention, he's always been so amazing with Daniel ( this being when we were just old friends catching up). He is honestly such a great guy. I'm still however very very guarded. He's wanting to move around 30 minutes from me, however I'm worried (he has a new job which moving, would, be absolutely ideal anyway, even if I didn't exist), I feel, especially as upto now we have pretty much been long distance, that we are worlds apart. I don't judge people by class, il speak to anybody, im customer service and people say I'm extremely empathetic, I just feel we are all the same until our actions prove otherwise. He however does not follow this same belief. He's currently a counsellor for the conservative party (I'm labour not that it really matters for our relationship), however his friends are very, well look down on me somewhat, and the conversations I honestly can't follow nor do they particularly Interest me, but I will always pay attention as it's his passion and help him with any worries or if he wants advice etc). He says that he likes how different we are as if we had the same passions, political views, then it'd be very boring, plus I'm not really politiccy so we never have any run ins. I just feel that I'm very normal and he's very very high end, highly strung and image is very important. For his birthday for example, I took us to a lovely spa, paid for dinner and decorated the room, made a cake etc and yet he blew up at me asking him to wear a birth badge (it was the smallest I could find). He then was unhappy as he doesn't shop high street and yet if bought him things from topman, new look etc - when he had asked me to try and modernise his fashion to things I think he'd look good in.I know he had a good heart, I know I care so much for him, however I worry that in the long run, our differences in beliefs, image etc, will take us apart. After such an essay I don't even know what my question is, other than do I continue? Is this my fear coming through and pulling it all the negatives? When we're together he is very nervous, and each time I have to do as much as I can to get him to ease and relax. Maybe once we're not so long distance things will be better?Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): Self-conscientiousness is a common quirk among people. It's a sign of a lack of self-confidence in some of us; and can also be an unhealthy need for validation, or the approval of others. Starving for acceptance or approval dominates a person's entire social-life. There's nothing wrong with wanting respect, or to be held in high-regard by our peers or coworkers. It's when it becomes an obsessive habit, conceit; or such a constant aggravation that you can't relax. That may be an indication that you need help.
The descriptions you gave seems more along the lines of feeling uncomfortable about eating in public. Some people are very modest about their table-manners; or hate eating in a room-full of people. Fearing they're being watched or scrutinized. That's not healthy and doesn't make any sense. Like I said, it's a quirk. It matters when that quirk or personality-flaw is difficult for you to adjust to, or dismiss.
You have to adapt to his world, as he has to adapt to yours.
It's not always about people mirroring all your own likes or dislikes. To be compatible, you must share things in-common. It's also about learning from others; and being introduced to things outside of our own realm of knowledge, experiences, or comfort-zones. Broadening our knowledge and experience by exposure, gaining a new perspective, and seeing things from a different/broader point of view. You should be able to step into any situation by his side, with confidence and comfort. Mix and mingle.
You should not tune-out of conversations, you should tune-in. Listen! You just might learn something!
We all have quirkiness in us to some degree. "Normal" is a subjective term. Is something normal because everybody does it; or because it's what you're supposed to do? You should be able to suppress/restrain/curb over-sensitivity or self-consciousness when it's causing a disturbance or bad-vibe around you. Dial it down to a low-pitch; if someone has to check you for it! When it becomes noticeable and evident to people around you; it's out of control, and you've got a big problem.
Our maturity-level, social-skills, and experience is supposed to teach us self-control and composure. So that fidgeting and nervousness doesn't become, or appear to be, a personality-disorder. You should also politely determine if he suffers an anxiety-disorder. He's around your child!
You can tolerate some quirks or odd-ball attributes while dating; only because you separate at the end of a day or evening, and everyone returns to their separate lives.
If you plan to commit to a long-term serious-relationship; you had better sort-out and select enough tolerable quirks that you can remain compatible. You can adapt to another person's political-views; but you have to share basic values and priorities. Otherwise; you'll find yourself in constant conflict. Your core values still have to synchronize.
Liking people places them in two categories. Potential friends, or potential lovers. You're going to be romantic and intimate with a lover. You are likely to share a lot more than you would being just a friend. So you should set a higher standard, and you should meet that standard yourself.
You aspire to create a bond of trust and commitment above and beyond just friendship. You are pursuing romantic-love!
We tend to over-look things in our friends we don't expect from those we have a romantic-affection for. We share emotional and physical intimacies, or vulnerabilities, with sweethearts we don't share with friends.
Romantic-connections may become more established over time; and result in marriage. You're supposed to have weeded through a number of people; eliminating or rejecting those possessing ways and views you can't abide by. That's what matching is all about. You can date anyone; but you have to be very selective when it comes to forming a romantic-bond and a more long-term emotional-connection with someone.
"Like" is not strong enough to put-up with just anything. "Love" is too strong to allow just anything! Use discernment.
Nervousness and excitement being around you may just be a symptom of powerful-attraction, and perhaps even being a bit overjoyed in your presence. The affect you have on him, like butterflies in the stomach! Time and more familiarity will define his behavior; and he should become more relaxed and calm once you and he have become closer. It's okay to allow him more time; because you haven't known him long enough to fully understand his ways.
You do have your own standards and criteria. If he's just not cutting the mustard; then throw him on the reject-pile!
Don't waste your time.
You've been on a few dates; but you haven't really spent enough quality-time together to become better acquainted; in order to develop a reasonable understanding and familiarity with each other's personalities. However; if he really creeps you out, or makes you uncomfortable, and doesn't seem to calm-down; you have to follow your gut-instincts. There is a point when the behavior becomes creepiness.
His fidgeting and hyperactivity should subside. If he's just too high-strung; don't try changing him, you just have to let him go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): I'm the original poster : he is a very anxious person. He worrie over having nothing to worry over! When we have food out, he will never relax, he cares too much over how people perceive him. I don't. Not that I act in any particular way, other than normal, everyday.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 June 2018):
 When he is with you, he is nervous . . . of what exactly?
My gut feeling on this one is that, if he is already "blowing up" at you over something like buying him clothes from the "wrong" shops, then this will only get worse the more time you spend together. Image is everything to him.
I think you are right to be cautious. He may be good hearted, but you already know you are very different people, with very different views.
If he is going to move because of his job, then fair enough. Take things slowly and see what happens. However, how long will it be before you start to feel resentful of his friends looking down on you and of having to pretend to be interested in conversations you have zero interest in? Are you going to keep pretending to be something you are not just to please him?
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