A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I hope someone can help - It might be a long story! About six weeks ago, I reconnected with an old classmate on Facebook. We got chatting and sharing stories.I told him about a recent break up which I'd gone through which although was for the best, still hurt a bit. He told me about his recent experience which is that he went out with a girl in July/August time called Sally but his heart wasn't in it with her. He said he still loved his ex Tonya who he had split with 18 months before after they were together for six years.He had lived with Tonya but they had argued about everything. They had remained friends and met a few times since and although he felt it felt like old times, he didn't do anything about it. Then they both went out with other people. He went out with Sally and went on holiday with her. He came back to a call from Tonya who came round to his house in tears, saying she was still in love with him. So he asked for time to finish with Sally as he didn't want to cheat on her. Tonya agreed and he proceeded to break Sally's heart. Then he started hearing rumours of Tonya getting friendly with his best mate. He asked her, she said they were just friends and he asked the friend and said he was getting back with Tonya and the friend said congrats. Then Tonya went cold and lo and behold, she had gone off with his friend and is still with him now. He told her she'd abandoned him and she said it was just the way it is and he had to deal with it.He told me that he felt like he'd lost the love of his life and regretted not making the move sooner to say how he felt. I basically told him that she can't have been the love of his life as she wouldn't have treated him that way if she was and gave him some advice.Anyway he and I started chatting beginning of October. He said my advice had given him such a lift, that I'd saved him. We just seemed to connect straight away and made each other feel alive again.We started seeing each other and things have been going great. It got intense very fast and he said things like I was going to make him fall in love with me and he knew it, and we went away to his hometown where he took me to meet his brother. He said he'd thought about what would happen if we moved in together and we were planning a holiday to the states next May.Then the Sunday before last we were together, discussing our plans for Christmas. All seemed fine till I mentioned getting a new job - I said if I wanted to stay near him it limits my job search areas. He said we've only known each other a few weeks, you should do what you want to do, I'm not comfortable you basing that sort of decision on us when we've only been together nearly two months.I said to not be defensive, I didn't mean anything. He had already told me he runs from girls when they get 'googly eyed' at him and he had done that with a girl he had gone out with twice at the start of the year, then Sally too. But these girls stay friends with him and still chase him.I said you've told me you run and I'm just going to not be afraid of that and be myself and if you run it's your loss. He said or my decision and I Said yes your loss. Anyway things were fine after that.We had sooooo much passion and we laughed all the time. Then we spoke on the phone the next day, all fine. The last last Tuesday it was the ninth anniversary of his Dad's death and it hit him really hard, crying himself to sleep and he was shocked by how hard it had hit him he said. I said is there anything I can do to help, I can come round what can I do....he said he preferred his own company as was so upset and needed to work through it himself. This was all on text and email.I understood but was worried he was shutting me out - I've been cheated on in the past and struggled a bit with girls and his ex's chasing him. And when my ex shut me out, he finished it soon after so I started to feel anxious....selfish of me I know given his upset but it's just my own hang up.Anyway Wednesday came and I'd asked him if he wanted to do anything. He said he just needed some solitude and not to take that wrong way, hoped I understood, that he needed an early night and to relax.I was away last Thurs night to Saturday so couldn't see him then - he phoned me Thursday and we had an argument. I admit I was tense as I didn't know how he was going to be given he'd shut me out - I could also see that he was talking to his girl mates and an ex on Facebook so I didn't understand why he was shutting just me out.He said I seemed off with him and I made him feel like he did something wrong every time I spoke to him and that he couldn't believe he had to justify wanting time alone when he'd been crying himself to sleep etc. I said he made me feel like he wasn't bothered - I mean we'd started with texting each other like crazy, him sending me songs etc but obviously we couldn't maintain that level of craziness and needed to get to know each other and so he stopped being as attentive.I said he didn't have to justify himself, I'd given him the space he asked for and I understood but it was hard for to be shut out and watch him struggle and be powerless to help him.He said ok and we sorted it out, things were ok. We spoke last Friday all flirty and normal, then on Saturday we spoke and had a discussion/giggle about what we were going to do on the Sunday. On Sunday I got a text at 14.00 saying 'hey lover, hope your day is good, see you at 18.00 missy :)' then at 16.00, two hours later, I got a text saying he was going to have to do something that upset him and that is that he has to break off 'the situation we have going' because the truth is that he is still in love with Tonya and after the bad week he had, it was clear he needed some help to get through things and that he was going to the doctors. He said he was so sorry, was going to call but just couldn't cope with it and please forgive him. He said he'd tried to get past it but he's not ready and asked me not to call him 'for a while'.I was shocked as it was erratic to text me calling me lover and say he'd see me later then only two hours later say he was breaking it off with me, just didn't get it. I said please don't push me away through fear, think about what you're doing we've found an amazing connection here etc I tried to fight him on it and said I really like him....and we'd found somehing brilliant etc and I wish he'd come round still as I think we can talk this through - and then asked him outright, or is it over as in you don't want me at all?He replied saying it was fea. He said he was a big mess, thanks for my understanding and kind words and he was going out to talk to his mate, needed a friend.I texted back reiterating what I said, asking him to think as it'd be such a waste....I said I understood fear, I've been there, it's hard to to let someone else in when your heart has been hurt but what's the alternative, you walk away from me, from this amazing thing we've found?Anyway I couldn't sleep that night and sent him a picture of us happy on the beach during our weekend away and said to him look how happy you are in this pic, what are you doing, you 100% sure you want us to be over?He replied to say he hadn't slept well either, that he knows that he had tried to get past it but he wasn't ready to move forward yet, he still had some work to do before he could and that it wasn't fair to involve anyone else.Anyway I ended up texting back saying it was over then but I didn't want that really but I guess I had to accept that he didn't see a future for us. I said that I thought he'd regret letting me go as I could've bought him happiness and I think we had a good chance. We had everything going for us really.And that he can't keep living in the past because Tonya is not good for him, she's moved on and has told him that herself and that he should value himself more highly than to want someone who would treat him so shockingly bad as she had. We have stuff at each other's houses so I said I'd rather do that sooner rather than later so we can both move forward and I can start to put him behind me and move on to find someone else as he so obviously wants me to do.I said I'm not like his other girls, I can't be friends that would be too hard so would have to remove him from Facebook (which I've done as healthier for me not to be looking at his profile I think. I said I deserved better than just a text about this but thought there was a reason he couldn't face me and that's because I don't believe that he truly wants us to be over. He didn't reply. Later that evening I was deleting our earlier texts and got upset seeing things like him saying how I'd made him feel alive again, how connections were not easy to find and we had one at hello and how he couldn't get me out of his head etc....I cracked and stupid texted again saying I was struggling to understand how we'd got from that and planning hols etc to him not wanting to be with me and that I missed him. But that I wouldn't text him again as I was not a mad stalker girl (which I'm not, just hard to understand when someone won't face you and talk to you).No response from him again. He did ask for space and for me not to call him for a while so I have now slept and am slightly more the rational me and have calmed down a bit and managed not to text him yesterday - phew! I had told him in my earlier texts that it was a waste and I'm so frustrated because it is a waste of a good chance for both of us to move forward together - I mean if you're not ready why say all the things he said about me making him fall in love with me and why take me to meet some of your family etc? So now I'm confused.....I don't know if Tonya has pulled her trick again having seeing him moving on, has she interfered again (which honestly if he wants to steal his ex back from his best friend then he's messed up as she'll only do the same again and he'll be constantly paranoid).....or is he genuinely just having a hard time mentally with everything....he hasn't said that it's that he's not attracted to me etc and admitted it's fear so what do I do now?Thing is it annoys me that he says he's still in love with Tonya as I just think he uses that as a barrier and that this is all about fear, fear of getting hurt again and it's causing him to lose one of the best things that has ever happened to him (in my humble opinion!).....and really, this Tonya lives a couple of streets away from him, he sees his best mate's car outside her house and he sees them in the pub - and he speaks to them, says hello! If I loved someone passionately then I wouldn't be able to say hello to them casually like that, first of all I'd be so angry then I'd blank my ex at least!SO I'm not sure whether he genuinely is in love with her or whether he's clinging as a barrier to future relationships against getting hurt again....she seems to be playing him (like she texted him a joke and he said back that you seem to confuse me with someone who has a sense of humour) but she sounds like the kind of girl who wouldn't want a man pining after her like he is doing, she sounds like a player who wants a player...So I don't know what to do - I guess that's my question....do I consider it over? Do I give him space and try and move forward whilst hoping he'll get back in touch? What's the best for me to do?Sorry for the length of this letter - thanks if you made it to the end of this small novel! It's just so raw right now and am having a hard time understanding what went wrong and well I spoke to him every night and most of the day so I do miss him...Any advice, gratefully received!x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all for your kind words.
I told him that I understood the fear - I've been cheated on as well in my last relationship and he was the first person I've met since who made me want to open myself up to a new relationship again.
Things were great. I understand what you are all saying but I do really like this guy and am not going to give up on hoping he'll come to his senses for a couple of weeks....after those weeks have passed I'll start to move on.
The fact he said don't call for while because he's too fragile is not final to me.
However, he has two choices - he can wallow in the past and pine for a girl who obviously doesn't love him the way she should if she cheats with his best mate and who he would never be happy with even if he got back with her because he'd never trust her OR he can let go of the past and break free, stop using his ex as a barrier when he gets scared to a new relationship and have a happy future - I believe he and I had a special connection that you don't find very often - in fact he said himself, we had a connection at hello, so I think he could have that happiness for me if only he'd give us the chance.
In the meantime I just have to try and move forward. If he's meant for me, he'll get back in touch. If not, I will get over it (I've survived worse breakups!), it's just hard as it feels like he and I had a good opportunity and it feels like such a waste.
Thanks xxx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 November 2009):
 I just want to add my condolences to you following the previous good answers given. Break up are HARD!!! we are all subject to them at one time or another and nothing seems to rationalise the situation.
I can't see you did anything wrong. This bloke was so obviously not ready for a relationship but perhaps he didn't realise that for himself until he was getting in 'deep' with you. We all love to hear those words of adoration when a relationship first takes off and out of excitement and passion people say all kinds of dreamy stuff that we take to heart. I am sure within those moments he meant what he said...he just couldn't back it up when things began to get serious...it's a human trait. Don't be too harsh on his memory as I am sure deep down he feels dreadful to let you go.
You are doing the right thing by backing off and ending it.
I hate the cliche of 'passing time' but it is true and you will eventually gain strength to move on.
Wallow, cry, talk to your girl mates, eat yummy food,be nice to you, sleep in, go for a walk, dance, sing...or just sit in peace with your thoughts...it WILL pass.
Hugs and a special 'chin up girl' to you.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Forget about him and move on. I know you are feeling sad and confused right now but you need to think positive about yourself because what happened in this relationship is not your fault. This man is a complete mess and you must be thankful for the fact that he does not want you near him. Otherwise you would find yourself trapped out of pity for him.
Consider it OVER. There is not point in waiting around for someone like this. You are a good person and deserve better.
I would advise to you to give yourself time for healing before you date someone else.
If he contacts you, for your own sake, please tell him is over.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 November 2009):
 you need to thank your lucky stars you only wasted six weeks on him, not six years.
Shrug, accept it as an error of judgment on your part, and move on.
I dont think there is anything in this for you.
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