A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m bisexual, and met my girlfriend in high school. We dated for three years when, this last April, she broke up with me. It was not entirely unexpected- we had hit a bump, and communication had pretty much completely broken down between us, leading to a lot of fighting. Even still, it did catch me off guard because I didn’t think we had gotten that bad. I felt betrayed because she hadn’t stuck around to work things out, and the majority of our fighting was about her not putting effort into the relationship (which now she admits she didn’t really do). The break up really turned my world around and changed my perspective, and I struggled with some thoughts of suicide (and luckily got help). All in all, it was a really difficult time for me.When this happened I had been away at school, and returned home about a month after the break up. Because she and I shared the same group of friends, this meant seeing her. I went out with her a few times privately, and we talked about the break up. We even ended up sleeping together a few times (not a smart move), but she never took the initiative to ask me back out. Slowly, I began to realize she wasn’t going to and that I needed to get over this, so I set some boundaries. Three months after the break-up, and I was beginning to feel human again.In the mean time, a close friend of ours was helping me get through this all. One night, knowing all about the difficulties between me and my girlfriend, he admitted to me that he had always had strong feelings for me and thought this was his chance to finally admit them. I was surprised, but I had thought about him like that before, and he assured me he would give me whatever time I needed to get over my past relationship.I guess I was lonelier than I thought, because we ended up sleeping together.It was probably the most impulsive thing I had ever done, but it was absolutely amazing. The connection between him and I was more than anything my three year relationship had produced, and the sex was fantastic. He was the first guy I had ever been with (my girlfriend was my first and only sexual partner until this point), but I found the experience beyond amazing.Well, I don’t know if the consequences of my actions hit me in the face, or I panicked about being so vulnerable with someone so soon after being hurt, but I went home crying. I called my girlfriend and confessed what had happened. She immediately came over, and asked to go back out with me, saying that the idea of me being with someone else was the same perspective-changing experience I had had when she broke up with me. Since I had experienced that when she broke up with me, and realized how important she was to me and how much I took her for granted, I didn’t have a hard time seeing how she could have a sudden about-face. I was sure some of it came from pure jealousy, but she really seemed sincere. She even contacted him, and had the three of us talk about what happened.Still not 100% over the last relationship, I agreed to go back out with her. From that point on the guy-friend completely cut off all contact with us. For five months now my girlfriend and I have been working on rebuilding our relationship, and have talked openly and honestly about our past and current problems. We’ve probably never been closer.There’s only one thing I’m hiding from her; I’ve fallen in love with the guy.At first I thought it was just guilt haunting me, but as the weeks past I continue to think of him daily, almost at all times. I have talked to therapists about him, and even hinted to my girlfriend that I wasn’t completely over what happened. I feel guilty because I consider the emotional attachment very close to cheating on my girlfriend, and I honestly don’t want to hurt her. What’s even worse is that the guy has started trying to make contact with my girlfriend (she’s not too thrilled with the idea), but ignores my existence. I feel desperate for contact with him, and even have gone so far as to consider breaking up with my girlfriend because I just don’t feel as strongly for her. But I also don’t want to lose her again. The problem is, I am almost certain that these feelings are more than lingering lust, and that if the guy came to me and said he still felt the same, I would leave her for him.One thing I think makes it worse is his silence on the matter. I can’t completely tell if he has stopped talking to me because he’s hurt over me choosing her, or if his “feelings” were only a ploy to get me into bed. Him reestablishing contact with my girlfriend and not me makes me think it’s the latter, but I would also think that at some point he would feel as desperate as I do for contact. If I had such strong feelings for someone who was showing interest, I would probably call things off or take a break from my girlfriend to sort out my feelings, just to be fair to her while I figured myself out. But I don’t want to take a break for someone who won’t even acknowledge my existence, especially because my girlfriend has been trying so hard at our relationship.So here’s my problem; I have an absolutely loving girlfriend who is really pouring her heart and soul into repairing damage between us and building a relationship with me. But rather than feel blessed for having someone so committed to me, I am weighed down by feelings for someone who may or may not have feelings for me. I don’t want to lead my girlfriend on, but I also don’t want to leave her and find out later she really was the one I love most and I was too blind to see it. I want to be true to myself and do what makes me happy, but I also don’t want to hurt her. So what do I do? How can I forget this guy? How can I wake up and start feeling good about the wonderful relationship I’m in now?--It may or may not be important to note that the sex life between my girlfriend and I is less than spectacular. We’ve had our good moments, but since the incident with the guy I haven’t been aroused by her. I’m not 100% sure if I’m really bisexual, or can “play the part”. I have tried to get her to do things I know excite me, but it seems the one part of our relationship she shies away from. It frustrates me that she says she’s willing to try new things but never follows through, especially because I’m not sure about my sexuality now. It probably only amplifies the feelings for the guy, because I was so sexually satisfied with him.
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a break, broke up, jealous, my ex, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 November 2009):
You need a break from both people to work out what you want. It comes down to a choice. Him or her. and there's no going back this time once you've made it, because you'll know neither are meant for you. I think you need to spend some time alone thinking about what you really want. Usually, if you can't make your mind up, it's because neither person is really for you. Think about what you want from life, and you'll find your answer.
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