A
female
age
41-50,
*ngela29
writes:Heres the thing: I am not proud of it but I snooped around a few years ago and found my boyfriend's password to his email. I checked it once and didn't find anything suspicious. I felt horrible for betraying his trust and privacy but, I never said anything to him. We have been together for over 3 years and due to his visa issues he had to go back home. We are in the process of finding a place to live and to settle down together. We have been doing the long distance thing for a little over a year and so far we are making it work emails, skype, and all the rest. Well recently, I had the urge to look in his email account. I checked it and found that he signed up for a pay-site for live web-cam chat with other women. Of course this bothers me and I've no idea what to do. I know it's my fault for snooping and that's probably due to my own insecurities. But, I can't get this out of my head. It's hurtful to me and I don't think I could confront him. Our relationship is very good and we have a great sex life. I just don't understand what he's getting out of doing this? I feel he should be trying to talk to me instead of random women. I have no problem doing that stuff from him, and have before. So why does he have to be doing this with other women? Help! What should I do? Just leave it or confront him?
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 This is a tough one.He's definitely wrong to do this behind your back. But you are also wrong for spying. That shows you never fully trusted him to begin with. If someone ever looked in YOUR e-mail account or your diary, would they find absolutely nothing embarrassing/incriminating?In his defense, I'll speculate that it may have something to do with your long-distance relationship -- that if you were with him in person, he'd be more satisfied. Also he may not see what he's doing as being that serious. More like casual entertainment or something. It's hard to see it that way but some guys apparently do. He may think that since he's not with the girls in person, that makes it ok and more of a fantasy, not really cheating.I foresee this problem continuing to grow. You won't be able to keep from reading his e-mail, nor will you be able to do anything about what you find since that would mean admitting you spied. The result is you getting more and more upset and him never knowing why.Ok... in an ideal world where everyone was completely enlightened and mature, it would go like this: You would tell him he should change his password because you found it, looked in his e-mail, and felt bad for doing that. Then you'd mention that while you were in there, you couldn't help seeing that he'd subscribed to a webcam chat site. If he got mad and said you had no right to do that, you'd agree and apologize but also say it doesn't change the fact that he is chatting sexually with other girls and even paying for it, which is a legitimate thing for you to be very upset about. After all, you are planning to settle down together and need to know he is trustworthy. Then, being equally mature about it, he would explain his position (for example, "I thought it was just fun and didn't realize it was that serious, etc."), apologize, and even keep his password the same as a gesture of trust so you could see he had unsubscribed from the site and you could continue to monitor his e-mail if you wanted to. No more hiding and spying anymore.Like I said, that would be in an ideal world. Doubt it'll work out that smoothly in real life!
A
female
reader, heart-shaped-balloon +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Apparently your relationship isn't good. He's cheating on you! Don't you get it? This has nothing to do with you and what you will do, and everything about him. He is not faithful. You need to confront him-- if you don't want to say you were snooping just say your friend was checking their account they have on that site and they accidentally found him and told you. Be vague and say you don't want to say which friend because you promised you wouldn't. Demand an answer.. Maybe break up with him. I know you love him, but he is willing to have lovey and sexual webcam chats with other women. He is probably communicating with them via other means as well like chatting and phone calls and texts. Many men move to that level. They may even be having phone sex. You really don't know. What if he's even met some of these girls in real life after meeting them online?If you call a relationship where a guy is hiding the fact he's being inappropriate with women when he's away from you a good one, then maybe you should rethink your priorities.
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A
female
reader, blindbetty +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Well, if you continue watching him online in secret it is going to hurt you mentally. There must have already been a breach of trust within your relationship because you have a sneaky feeling that he is up to no good. Trust you inner instinct.
If your relationship is a secure, loving relationship why would he need to seek out other women. Why would he to do that to you? This is definately a red flag!
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