A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice very badly. I'm in a predicament I never thought I would find myself in though I have seen it on the site before. I am having to choose between two men. Each have their strengths and weaknesses. One is my husband, not what you think or how it sounds. Man 1 is my husband. A short back story, we were married for 2 years, we had issues, he left me while I was at work one day. He texted me he was done and moved his stuff out while I wasn't home. I was devastated. Tried very hard to get him back. After months of nothing I tried dating and met someone new. A few weeks ago my husband came back and is trying very hard. Our original issue still plagues us- he is very unemotional and I am very emotional. My needs aren't met and I don't feel love or love. I do feel secure and stable, comfortable, and we get along in almost all logical ways. Day to day life is content and I enjoy being around him. He knows me well. And we have a decent sex life, albeit little passion. Sometimes imagining a lifetime with him makes me feel extremely depressed and limited. He also wants to have a child right away and feels that's his sole purpose, I feel it will drag me down even more into boredom. Man 2. I met him during the separation. He started as a friend then grew to more over the course of a few months. He was/is not my type physically. He lost a lot of weight and I grew to be more attracted to him, though sometimes it appears he is back peddling. I started to love him in a way I didn't feel with my husband. He is emotional and fun and romantic. He is sweet and caring. We have more in common. Sometimes I see his name in my phone and feel butterflies like I'm in high school... On the bad side our sex life is terrible. And our future is far more uncertain than mine would be with my husband. He loves me a lot and tells me so, there is a lot of passion and excitement with him. I don't love my husband. Not in the same way I feel for man 2. I don't know if it is any love at all or just the commitment and honor and wanting my marriage to work. Man 2 makes me apprehensive. I don't know what to expect and I hate to imagine giving up on my marriage for something that may never go anywhere. I don't want the marriage failing to be my fault and then I fall flat on my face- the grass is greener syndrome- is my fear. I don't know if the marriage I have with my husband is how it is supposed to be, no real loving feelings, just commitment etc. Passion and love can't last forever right? Clearly you can see I'm confused. What should I do? Right now I'm seeing them both, they both know about each other, and they both love me and are trying their hardest. The stress is killing me and I need to make a choice. Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 July 2014):
 I am glad to hear you are happier now! Good luck to you!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2014):
 Thank you for following up! It's good to hear things have worked out for you. Best wishes for continuing happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ended up divorcing my husband, it was finalized in March. I did continue to date my boyfriend to see where it could go, I figured even if I end up single its better than being in a marriage where I am unhappy. We are still together now. The issues I did have are no longer problems, sex did a 180 once we were fully together and became more comfortable with each other. No complaints there at all. I made the right decision for sure. I was just too scared at the time to leave a marriage. Thanks for all the advice.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 January 2014):
I am going to take a shot in the dark here and say it would not shock me if you had/have long standing issues with your father. Ive seen this type of behavior before, and it without exception has been accompanied with a girls poor relationship with her dad.
If this is the case, you need to address this issue before you move on to a relationship with any man. Otherwise, you will remain in the cycle of attracting men who are bad for you, and feel you always need one around....
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 January 2014):
Neither. Don't settle for either of them, neither are good enough. You appear to think you must have a man, any man, and that being alone isn't possible.
Just my piece of advice, as hard as it will be to follow: If you get back with your husband, you will not be happy. He will suddenly leave again. He left for a reason, he did so without talking to you. He can't manage problems or conflict. I know he will bail again. Maybe next time he will get a mistress and sneak away with, and leave his things behind. But he will find a way to bail and not face the problems, one way or the other. He's flaky. You will get your heart broken again.
Then again, if you are against divorce you must stay, no matter how bad the marriage gets. That's up to you and your values.
Second guy. Like you said, he's not your type. He's good for the moment, that's all. So why would you even consider him for anything long term?
Third choice is better: stop thinking you MUST be with a man!!! If your husband isn't who you want, you are miserable, he is flaky and you can't work it out, then get a divorce. NOT a new man. A divorce. Do you see the difference? Anything you've started with ANY man, without first being divorced, will not be good enough. Because you haven't yet finished what you started with your husband.
Get a divorce first and THEN consider whether or not you want this or that other man. The choice is NEVER between one or the other man.. The choice is always just this one: is this man, right here, good for me? And if the answer is no, it is no, no matter if you think you will only ever get these two options of men to choose from.
There is always going to be men out there, men you haven't met yet. Don't enter a relationship with someone not good enough, because by doing this you rob yourself of the chance to meet and be with the one who suits you the most.
And being single is not that bad in the meantime. Men should not be the center of your universe.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Hi, sounds like you limiting your view. Neither of these men are good for you. A husband that has bailed once and is likely to bail again when things get tough. He is obviously insecure and thinks having a child with you will keep you tied to this marriage.
A BF that has direction and provides just good sex. hmmm... not much of a choice both these men. Its not a question of the grass is greener its about what makes you happy.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
Something in this posts suggests that you didn't do a good job of finding a suitable man for you.
I'd cut both of them loose so they can go on to find suitable women for themselves, and you keep looking.
Do get a divorce so you aren't encumbered by legalities or mingled finances when you do meet the man who fulfills all the requirements.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 January 2014):
You and your husband didn't work out for a reason. No use taking a step backwards because what made you unhappy will always make you unhappy.
Why don't you work on the sex part with your bf?
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (23 January 2014):
Breathe a huge sigh of relief you're childless, get on with the divorce, and get rid of the other man too. If you cannot choose between two men, neither is the one. And try to get a grip on your emotions. Men avoid emotional women like the plague and rightfully so. We cannot reason with (or, for that matter live with) someone who feels rather than thinks, and often feelings have no basis in reality.
Take a break from men until you feel more secure in yourself. Thinking someone else can 'complete you' is a fantasy- only when you are fairly complete yourself can you find someone with whom to harmonize.
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (23 January 2014):
You should stay with your husband and try to work things out since he is willing. That would be a great chance for you to express how you feel, and how you would like your husband to beige of.
It may take an effort but you already have a bond which has not dissolved and looks like it could be repaired.
Also, as you mention, your husband has many more life qualities than man 2 and that is a better basis from which to develop a sustainable marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): Why are you even entertaining the possibility of staying with your husband? The marriage is clearly over. Finalize the divorce and move on with your lives. Marriage is absolutely not supposed to be a loveless commitment, not ever and certainly not at your age! The only time people who don't love each other stay married is if they have children they want to stay together for, or remaining together benefits them both professionally(think Bill & Hillary Cinton). Neither of those situations apply here. Yes, passion and love certainly can last forever! Married couples stay together into their 80s and 90s and still have that love and passion for each other.
Just the fact that he left you via text message while you were at work and moved out before you got home would be enough for me. I would never date somebody who did that to anybody, let alone get back together with somebody who did that to me. That's just crazy. What possible reason could you have for staying with him? You said you don't want it to be your fault it failed and the fall flat on your face...well, first of all, a failed marriage doesn't have to be anybody's fault, some people just aren't meant to be married, as is clearly the case with you two, but if it is anybody's fault here, it would be your husband's for leaving you once already. He already caused the marriage to fail. And secondly, as far as falling on your face, if you're worried about the relationship with man #2 not working and you ending up single...who cares? Find somebody else. As the old saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And you shouldn't worry about being single for awhile until you find the right one.
It's funny how sometimes people need an outside perspective to see something that is so obvious. This is a no brainer. Divorce your husband and see what you have with man #2.
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A
female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Wow, you do have yourself in a predicament here. There are some things that you should consider here. " Can I live the rest of my life with a horrible sex life?" " How long can I stand being in a relationship that you dont love the other person?" For one, your husband left you and there was a reason. What was that reason? Will that reason happen again? Can you feel secure with your husband knowing that he may leave again and you never would know what could have been? Why did he come back? Why does he want to be with you? Is it because someone else wants to be with you? Men usually want what they cant have, and when they get it, they no longer want it. Will this be the case with your husband? Maybe you should step back and try to develop a friendship with these men. I think the best person to be in a relationship with is your friend. The one that can be your best friend will tell you who is in it for the long run. And although I believe sex is very important in a relationship...it can be taught how you want it, but you cant teach passion, security, loyalty and love. If you feel guy 2 is not what you want physically, that can be worked on too. You could take the initiative to work out with him, eat better around him. It sounds like guy 2 is losing because of his physical appearance, but seems to be providing you with what you've been missing. OH and by the way, passion and love can last forever... you should be falling in love with your spouse over and over throughout your life; and when you stop doing that it needs to be reevaluated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): Wow, you do have yourself in a predicament here. There are some things that you should consider here. " Can I live the rest of my life with a horrible sex life?" " How long can I stand being in a relationship that you dont love the other person?" For one, your husband left you and there was a reason. What was that reason? Will that reason happen again? Can you feel secure with your husband knowing that he may leave again and you never would know what could have been? Why did he come back? Why does he want to be with you? Is it because someone else wants to be with you? Men usually want what they cant have, and when they get it, they no longer want it. Will this be the case with your husband? Maybe you should step back and try to develop a friendship with these men. I think the best person to be in a relationship with is your friend. The one that can be your best friend will tell you who is in it for the long run. And although I believe sex is very important in a relationship...it can be taught how you want it, but you cant teach passion, security, loyalty and love. If you feel guy 2 is not what you want physically, that can be worked on too. You could take the initiative to work out with him, eat better around him. It sounds like guy 2 is losing because of his physical appearance, but seems to be providing you with what you've been missing. OH and by the way, passion and love can last forever... you should be falling in love with your spouse over and over throughout your life; and when you stop doing that it needs to be reevaluated.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 You are still married so a boyfriend is out of the question. Your husband had thought this wouldn't work out because it would require him to change himself to be someone he wouldn't recognize. He thought that a man's job is to provide and that's it. He might also feel that expressing himself is unmanly and it's a scary unknown territory for him. However once seeing man 2 and how he connects with you it changes his perceptive and knows that love would only stay if one puts in effort. It also sparks competition and the fear of losing you out to another man.
If you want your marriage to work then the only way is to stop seeing man 2. I would like to see you stay in this marriage because your husband wants to work on it.
I do believe that men can become more loving but sexually it's more challenging for them to be better lovers. Do not go back and forth. Try your best to fix your marriage, build trust so at the end you would have no regrets.
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