A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on what to do with a girl I've been seeing lately.I met a girl and we started to date for around two months. Within that time we enjoyed each others company; I did nice things to suprise her and we generally had a fun time. We were only dating each other and we were both only interested in dating each other. Both of us made that clear to each other that we only wanted to be involved with one another.She's a student and I'm a young professional.A couple of weeks ago after spending the night over at her place I asked her the following morning to be my girlfriend. I got a no. She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now.She's a very insecure person and her last relationship that lasted a couple of years hurt her pretty badly. This has been pretty evident to me since knowing her.She told me she still wanted to see me but just not in a relationship.The following week we met up again. This time she started the conversation about us to stop dating. Her exams are coming up and she stated she wouldn't be able to see me for a month and then after that she'll only be around for a couple of weeks before moving back home for the summer (home being pretty far away). I suggested coming to visit but she said that in order for me to do that I'd end up meeting her parents and she doesn't want to force a relationship to happen.I knew this conversation was coming so I took it pretty well; in fact she was shocked by how well I took it.She admittedly didn't want this to end between us but feels she has to because a relationship would be forced to happen.So I walked her home; with her worrying about this whole scenario the entire time while I'm comforting her telling her that it's all okay and that I'm not mad at her; she genuinely thought I'd be mad and in a sort of hopeful way she said that maybe after the summer if we're both single we can date again. We hugged and I went home.Two days later I got curious and decided to search for her username on google. I saw her name come up on a website she frequents where you can post your opinions. And on it she was posting about how she has a big crush on me and the thought of me is driving her neurotic.So here's my dilemna. I do like this girl; quite a lot to be honest. I do want to keep seeing her and it seems like she wants to keep seeing me. But right now she is going through a stressful time with her exams and I don't want to drag her through any emotional drama during this time. I know she has commitment fears due to her ex. I have no idea how to handle this situation going forward.Do I wait until her exams are over and ask her if she wants to start dating each other again? Or do I ask her now during her study time? Should I even ask her?I feel that at the very least if I ask her and get a no; she is long overdue the self esteem lift of knowing that someone thinks she is worth being with because I fear at times she thinks she isn't.
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crush, her ex, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): One of the most common problems people seem bring to DC; is pushing a relationship too hard.
They're just not listening; when the other party tells you they just aren't ready for a relationship. If the other person explains it's just too soon! You want a person that is whole and ready to offer you everything you want and need. Not someone stressed and depressed over a past relationship.
Here's what that means. They are in the healing process after a very stressful and painful relationship that did not work. She feels rejected, wounded, may abused to some degree. The trauma runs deep. She doesn't feel strong enough to allow herself to commit to anyone right now.
In this case, she is focusing on her studies; and dealing with healing. Trying to adjust to a new relationship will make her lose focus on what is much more important. Getting through her exams, and continuing her healing process. Preparing herself for the next chapter in her life.
Her personal-growth as a woman.
Rediscovering her strength and potential; without being sidelined by a relationship!
I understand that you like her very much. You have to respect when someone warns you that things are too shaky on their end to offer you what you want, and deserve, in a relationship.
The term she used was "forced." That means pressured,or pushed. In opposition to her will.
YOU want a relationship. She does not at this time.
So respect that. She did not say she didn't like you; she just isn't ready.
Healing after a breakup takes time. Time to get over the other person; and time to recover from the emotional and psychological damage she suffered. It's hard. It can overwhelm you. I'm sure you've had at least one breakup in you life.
She may also feel that she is too vulnerable. Accepting a relationship may just be on the rebound. Her feelings could change, or she may be too preoccupied with her ex-boyfriend to concentrate on you, him, and her studies.
She's smart to put her studies first. She gave that last relationship so much, it must have wore her down a little.
Lighten-up. She didn't want to hurt your feelings. Stop pressuring her. By the time she's ready, you might as well start dating other people.
It's not wise to place yourself on-hold; on something so uncertain.
I could be sentimental, wishy-washy, and tell you what you want to hear. Instead, I say allow her all the time she feels she needs. I've been where she is. I know both her side, and yours. I've been in both places.
It would be a little unfair to tell you to wait. What if it takes many months. You'll be impatient and start pushing again. Then you'll get upset and she'll be upset.
She might relent; but it might be because she felt "forced."
You want her of her own free-will. When she is willing and able, to give and take what a relationship demands.
So back-off, see other people. She may want to just enjoy being single for awhile. To grow, regroup, re-energize, and heal. She's in repair.
She doesn't want to be in a relationship, only to date. That's her prerogative.
A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (2 May 2014):
Hey there buddy, I know exactly how you're feeling. I've been in the same situation before. From the sounds of it she does really like you so at least you know she's not messing you around.If you're worried about messing this up what I'd do is just carry on casually talking to her and being friendly. For now at least, you don't want her to feel forced and she needs to focus on her studies but do not walk away from her if you want it to go further. If I were you I would just keep the situation open. Don't push it either way. Wait for her exams to finish or ask her how her exams are going. If she feels on top of her work then maybe ask to see her. Or at the very least try to show her you're still interested. If she does become ready to commit, she'll let you know if you stick around, care and continue to be close.
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